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Friday, December 30th, 2005

    Time Event
    1:21a
    shitynizzleism
    well lately things have fooking sucked majorly. lets start with x-mas eve and we'll leave the shit b4 that out. well on x-mas eve i got to open a few gifts and i got a violin which is awesome cuz i wanted one and shit. well that was the good part. the bad part was the mail came... i got my progress repot for biology which i knew was comming...but i didn't know about the shit that was gunna fallow...my mom wasn't too mad that the only thing i passed in the class was one test with a 70 lol she knew that it was comming but my dad on the other hand...not so kool about it. he flipped out on me and lost it. he kicked the shit out of me after i said to him i'm sorry but it's no big deal. he said not to talk back to him and he flipped out. and now i have a black eye, and alot of bruises and marks on my body which is y i wouldn't take my hoody off 2day. my friend said y don't u take that off it's hot in here and i said i don't want to cuz theres marks on my neck and arms and i didn't want him to see them. it's embarassing. well i talked to my friend dennis about it after it happened online and he calmed me down and he's great. well then on X-mas i had to leave my house and i ran into zane, my ex, and he was trying to get me to go back with him but i'm already dating someone and i hate him and i said that to him and we got into a fight and he pulled a knife out on me and some shit broke out. well then i wanted to kill myself but i didn't and i'm still here. well the day after that i was in an agurement with my dad again when he tried to come back hom and then there were more bruises and i know he doesn't mean it but he's not taking his pills and without them he's horrible but he used to be great and it's so confuzzling and i hate him and love him at the same time bcuz he's my dad and it's messed up. well then on the 27th my bf found out that his ex was pregnant and lost it on x-mas eve which he had no clue that she was pregnant cuz she hid it from him and he feels horrible and shit and i feel bad for him cuz it sux. well he was considering suicide, my one friend was considering cuicide and i was considering suicide so it was suicide night. so we were talking eachother out of it and it was messed up. well then on the 28 i'm on the fone with my one gay friend and he likes to look at gay porn. well his mom cought him and he pinned the whole thing on me saying that i sent it to him when he was the one trying to send it to me but i wouldn't open it. and now his mom hates me and she said to him that it doesn't surprise her bcuz i'm not the best person and she doesn't even know me!!! i'mve only seen her abour 5 times maybe and i'm not sure wut pissed me off more the face that she said that she expected that or him pinning the shit on me. well his mom is an ass and he said that she never reely liked me and said i was "bad news" god that pisses me off. i wish she knew who i was cuz she may say things different;y if she knew me. well anthony pinned it on me bcuz he won't face his mom about the face that he's gay i told him it's gunna come out eventually he can't hide it 4ever. i know it's hard but he's not even man enough to take the blame for his maistakes he has to blame it on his friend!!!. this isn't the first time he's screwed me over like this either. i don't know y i'm still friends with him. well him and his mom are asses. well and 2day which is technicall yesterday since it's like 12:30 but w/e i went to the mall with anthnoy and dennis was there and we hung out all day and i love dennis and i want to ask him out but i'm too chickin to but he's great and well my bf that i have now wants me to take porno pics for him and i said no i can't and he won't get that through his head and now i think i'm gunna dump him bcuz i can't be who he wants me to be cuz i'm not like that and wellbac to dennis.... i want to date him!!! lol but he knew about my dad kicking th shit out of me and i was talking to him after anthnoy left cuz he don't know about it and i asked him if he told ne1 about it and he said " a true friend doesn't tell other ppl wut their friend told them no matter how bad it is and even if they're worried they keep they're mouth shut about it and don't go spreading the news" and now i fee like i can trust him cuz he's the only decent guy i know. he's not perverted and he's reely sweet and b4 he left to go meat his brother he said i g2g i gotta meat my brother in the movie theater and i said ok well i gotta go home and he gave me a hug and i was so happy so that made my day juss perfect though with my whole bf i can't stand him right now but i'll deal and i reely want dennis but idk. he's great and even with all the shit going on this whole thing with him made me feel better.... well i g2g

    Current Mood: crushed
    Current Music: sevendust: enemy
    11:12p
    Maybe the Suns finally rising...?? :-/
    Well it should be coming up close to a month maybe since the last time ive cut... idk i feel like my outlook is different now for some reason. I mean yea i still have my rough times when i want to do it sooooooo incredibly bad. && i know this is lame but me and my best friend (brandi) are going to try and make our new years resolution to stop. and after 6 years of on/off cutting this is the first time ive ever decided to try it.

    yea im sure this is just another one of my "phases" where i tell myself that im gonna stop this time. and i guess i can give myself a tiny piece of credit cuz there are times when ill go for 6 months...but then something snaps and i fall apart all over again..

    The latest thing was a pencil. Something so simple can cause just as much damage...id get upset and just start digging with it..was kinda fun cuz you could draw all sorts of things with such detail and precision.. :-/ horrid i know.. but its WAYYYY better then what i normaly do.

    I think my mom knows i still do it. but im not really sure. she probably doesnt know how to handel it.. or its the fact that she just doesn't have time to "deal with me" idk and honestly i dont really care. it just makes less problems for me to not have my mom breathing down my throat or asking me every day if im "okay"

    well i guess im done babbeling for now..:-/

    <3
    lena


    Have a happy new year everyone. :-)

    Current Mood: hyper
    Current Music: thrice

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