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Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 11:03a | Hey everyone. What's up? My computer is still broken or whatever, so I can only update when I can get in the computer lab here at school. But even here it's hard because the teachers are all over and I'm not supposed to be on this site. But whatever_ I haven't been cought yet !! So I haven't c*t in over a month. The last time I did, it was really really bad and I promised myself and close friends that I would never do that again. At least not that that bad. I c*t all over my arm and they were really deep, too. I had to wear long sleeves for almost 2 weeks until they finally cleared up enough to where they aren't that noticable. I still have the scars from them, they are white and all over my arm but you can't really notice them unless you know that they're there. Well, at least that's what I thought. My friend Ashley, who doesn't know that I c*t, was sitting next to me in art class and she asked what " those white lines " on my arm was. I said it was from a marker that won't come off. She believed me. So now I still kinda try to not show my arm that much, but I know I can't hide it forever. They should evetually go away. Eventually. Well I haven't c*t since then, I promise. And I am trying to hold it all back from now on. I choose to write my feelings instead of c*t them. My best friend Melissa hasn't been c*tting, either. Good for her. She's way worse than I am with it, and she showed me her wrist this morning before homeroom and she does have scars, but they are from her c*ts last week. There's no new ones. I'm glad to hear that. Her and I are trying our best to stop. We understand that we can't stop all at once, so we are just taking it slower. I hope we can get out of this habbit. It's a bad one, and I hope you all can get through it, too. I basically wanted to stop c*tting for my mom. She doesn't know that I do it, and if she ever found out then she would have more stress put on her and I don't want to cause that. I think that all of you should find something or someone that you love so greatly that it motivates you to put the blade down instead of picking it up. That's the best advice I can ever give any of you. Well I miss you all so much, I used to talk to you all everyday but I can't now. But I will be able to come to the computer lab tomorrow in school, so leave some comments and maybe I could get back to you. I love you all no matter what !! And PLEAse find the strength to move on in your life as I have. Happy Hoildays !! Love, *Mizean ! * Take my hand. We'll make it. I swaer.* |
| 11:04a | oops, haha my name is MIZEGAN .. |
| 6:29p | yesterday was hell but today i'm fine without you run away this time without you and all the things you put me through i'm holding on by letting go of you yeah.. that pretty much sums it up for me today.. hope you all are well, ♥ love [ Aidan ] |
| 7:37p | eh... wow, its been a long time since i even looked at this site. ive been really busy, i actually have a life now! hmm imagine that. things are doing better... a lot better. just 6 months ago i was trying to kill myself...i really didnt care about life at all, now when i look back on that it scares me. i dont ever wanna feel that way again. being in the hospital changed me so much...mostly for the better...i think. i think my meds are helping a lot. im still cutting but at least im not suicidal. there are still times when i feel like i might be falling back into my deep depression but i have so many people that love me and ive come to realize that im a strong person and i can handle anything that god decides to throw at me. its kinda like that saying "i know god wouldnt give me anything i cant handle...i just wish he wouldnt trust me so much." but im ok. i just got out of the longest and most serious relationship ive ever had. its really hard. when i first broke up with him he got all suicidal and i had no idea what to do. i just tried to make him happy and i tried togive him what i needed when i was suicidal but it didnt really help because i was the one causing him to feel that way...and... it was just really complicated, but everything will be ok... well i dont really know what my point was in writing this...maybe to just take up some time? i dunno. im sorry if reading this was just a waste of your time. heh... Current Mood:  contentCurrent Music: paper bag by fiona apple |
| 10:00p | I stopped writing and posting for a long time, but right now all I really want is someone whom I can talk to. Someone who wont judge me or be hurt by me but can just listen to my random messed up thoughts. I stoped practicing SI for a while I was so determined to make it and prove him wrong that I am strong and I can do it. I still cant believe how out of control I was with cutting even when I thought I was so happy with him. And since he screwed me over and hurt me all I wanted to do was to stop for a while like a way to laugh in his face and say look at me I can make it without you Im not some fucked up little girl Im more stable then you. In a lot of ways I have forced myself to move on and face things I never wanted to face but still all I want to do is go back to it. Maybe its out of comfort or habit I dont know but it feels right and even though I have resolved so many negative things I still dont feel right I still dont feel whole. Im consumed by the thought of it. How it felt and how it made everything seem so different. I sit here and constantly trace the scars on my legs or when I get a faint glimps of the more faded ones on my wrists it makes me smile. And I day dream constantly about it. And I know when I return home in 3 days Im going to break and Im going to love it and this time I wont make the mistake of leaving my justus behind. Im tapped out here and I cant fine anything remotly sharp enough in this apartment to make me feel good. So what am I saying? Im not sure. even though my life appears to be and is quite better why do I still need it? I think maybe I just need to control me more because if my thoughts arnt comsumed about cutting then its about my body image. Im obsessed with how I look and wanting to lose weight, like the other day I became disgusted with myself because I can pinch an inch of skin off of my back it made me sick to my stomache and Ive lost my apetite since. I go days all the time with out eating or when I do eat I eat very little. I have to examine myself in front of the mirror every which way each day and try to look the tinyist way possiable but yet I wouldnt consider myself as someone with an eating disorder... Ive had a hard past like a million other prople Ive deal with abuse and rape and false diagnosis from doctors making me think my life was over Ive had heart break Ive had a million other things to hurt me but I really have came to terms with it and moved on the best a person could have to be considered "normal and healthy" but yet all I want to do all that I think would make me truly happy right now is doing a lot of coke starving myself on end and covering my body in a million tiny and deep beautiful marks. why do I need to control myself completly? |
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