Sunday, December 18th, 2005

Time	Event
2:08p	I fell in love with a song. && I thought that I'd share it. it's called Loveless Wrists and it's by Bayside here are the lyrics: Where will I be When there's pain as far as eyes can see I'll stand in line for days and nights, for making up lost time And this is how it feels So now I cut these loveless wrists My head sure hurts today I'll take another twenty pills and try to make my troubles go away So now I cut these loveless wrists My head sure hurts today I'll take another twenty pills and try to make my troubles go away Away I once felt strong It wouldn't last for long I wrap my hands around my neck Kill myself again Cut my arms with the biggest knife that I can stand Why waste time Lifting my head Keep it down And save face instead Why waste time Lifting my head Keep it down Save face instead I once felt strong It wouldn't last for long I wrap my hands around my neck Kill myself again Cut my arms with the biggest knife that I can stand It's more than I can stand good news. I haven't cut in a week! and I hope everyone else is doing good. Happy Holidays. lovesss! ♥ Current Music: Lover I Don't Have To Love ♥ Bright Eyes (1 Comment | Comment on this)
4:57p	*No More, I Can't Take Anymore* My other Grandma died lastnight... It's no big deal, I am used to people I love diying around me... That's all I wanted to know was that she was dead... So I go to work today, no one said "Hey have a good day."... Or "Hey here's what were doing, so wen you come back. And if there is no one here, then you know why k?"... Nope I get nothing, so I leave all alone... Nothing new I can tell you... And thing's at work are the same as they are here at home... Same old people, same old shit... I get home and the house is dark, I think my "Family" went to my Grandma's wake... Or whatever, without me... They didn't even tell me, nothing... They just left without me and I am not sure why... What I mean am I so not worth, anyone even telling me what there all doing?.... I dunno anymore, I may live in a house with other people... But I sure am alone, no matter what... Go ahead ask me where I'm going, or what I'm doing... I will tell you nothing like you did to me... Sucks don't it?.... Current Mood: embarrassed Current Music: *Rob Zombie-More Human Then Human* (7 Comments | Comment on this)
10:41p	smile, because you're dying on the inside. i confess that i hate who i am these days. that i've hated who i am for so many years. i don't know how to change my habbits now. i'm scared i'm going to hurt myself again. is it bad when you're scared of yourself? the pills that my mother is *hiding* from me are calling my name. i feel like i need to swallow them down again. i need to hurt myself, but i don't want to hurt anyone. only myself. i don't want to cut and i won't. i just want to die right now so badly. this feeling of death is wrapped around me like a blanket tonight. it's so close to christmas though. i could never do that. i don't even know how many pills would do the job (?) i forgot to take my anti-depressents today. maybe that's why i'm so down. could that actually do that from only one day, i dont know? what if i just saved up all of my pills for a good month, then took the bottle my mom hides from me. drink it with some vodka or something strong. that could finish me. i confess i'm messed up. i'm crazy maybe. but you don't love me anymore. it's killing me inside. it's killing me so much inside that i need to kill the urges. i need to kill myself. i've said and done this too many times to myself. i *know* i deserve better. why can't i actually get better. i wake up in the mornings, praying for the day to be okay. i pray that i won't crack and fall to pieces. i remove myself like you tell me to do, but it doesn't work. i crack when i'm alone and i can't be with someone ALL the time. there will be those moments when i cry. i'll break and hate every minutes of it, but maybe i'll have the chance to feel better afterwards. i pray. who am i really praying to? i don't believe in god. i guess i'm just trying to believe in myself. how can i believe in myself if i want to give up on myself? a bit ironic, yes? i confess that i want to give in again and i'm debating it in my mind. i have been for days and months and years. *sigh* a mind ... where has mine gone? we really are what we pretend not to be, you're right. i'm trying so hard to be happy that i'm everything but. Current Mood: suicidal (2 Comments | Comment on this)

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