!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

bad nights bad nights
last night i got home from work and i wasn't in the greatest mood to begin with. and when i got home my family just did nothing but irritate me... even if they didn't mean to. everything they did just set me off. i wasn't thinking straight.

i ended up crying on the bathroom floor, huddled in a ball. that's never a good situation, being a foot away from the blade i keep underneath the sink, feeling hopeless and pathetic.
needless to say, i gave in. goood fuckin' times. I cut fifteen big lines into my left calf, and I was watching the blood drip drip drip onto the floor i thought about how nobody was going to interrupt me tonight. nobody knew i was in here... and i felt sad and relieved all at once. usually when im in the bathroom for a while i get a knock at the door by my mom or brother saying 'are you ok?' worried that im up to no good. but last night, i just knew. nobody cares. nobody wants to deal with my shit tonight.
and i wasn't sure if i was happy or sad about it.
and then when i was thinking about how i've never understood moms and daughters who are as close as sisters or best friends... like, my mom and i never had anything like that. and then i think, it was my dad. it was him who kept up from having that, because lord knows my mom is capable of it, i just never was. and its because of all the shame and guilt and anger my dad infused inside of me at such a young age.
fucking BASTARD MOTHERFUCKER.
when i realized this, i just bawled and bawled, mopped up the blood, and went to bed.
lame.

well
i am trying to cut down on cutting. ireally am. and before last night i had bone almost a week without.
i think... ?

well yeah

so anyways,
keep on keepin on kids
stay strong.... love you all xoxoox

--sylvie

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: nirvana - lake of fire