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Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 3:26a | what i posted in my journal i wrote this in my sketchbook a couple of days ago.... ( Read more... ) Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: |
| 2:01p | haaj people i live in holland but im on a vacation in amerika im in long beach right now its nice and i love the weather but i dont know nothing around here, no people and no gothicshops or something like that and does anybody knows if theres gonne be a metal concert here?? well let me know if you want thankss <3 kissesss |
| 3:37p | *cough*cough*dumbass*cough*cough* i had so much trouble sleeping last night. i messed up my meds the other day and took four instead of two because i forgot i took them. then when i was lying in bed it clicked that i took my meds from the wrong day. FUCK. i sat through spare watching everyone come in and out of the caf. can people tell i'm the way i am? do they see everything i'm supressing? how i can't confide in anyone? i've yet to cut, but i have the urge to today. i don't want to give in and i'm going to try my hardest to avoid any lonely situation ... like now ... ahh i don't care. i'm having such a shitty day. i ruined my painting in art today. so i just got up and left because i was going to flip out on myself. i did what my counsellor told me to do, "remove yourself from the situation." i still feel like crap, so doing that didn't really accomplish anything. the problem will still be there tomorrow when i go into art class. rugby training is starting. *sigh* i don't know why i find it so stressful. just thinking about going to practice and having to prove myself to my coaches just makes me want to curl into a ball and disapear. then i think about what i will do when it comes to change rooms. all these scars over my body and the short shorts i have to wear for the uniform. how am i going to cover them up? how will i do it? i can't wear bracelets, how will i cover the giant purple scar on my wrist and every tiny gash around it??? why did i have to slit my wrists? why did i have to overdose? why did i ever think cutting myself would make me feel better? what the hell went through my head when i decided to slice open my arm? did i think it would make the problems go away? can people see that i'm crying on the inside, that i don't feel the way i'm supposed to feel when i smile? IT"S NOT REAL! IT'S JUST A FUCKING GAME! AND I'M LOSING. i've been like this for too long and i can't get out of it. as much as i say i'm getting better, i honestly just don't know. seven years i've been stuck in this habbit. how do i pull myself out of it now? Current Mood:  blah |
| 8:54p | i carved an "A" onto my wrist. the first letter of his name. it seems childish to me, i don't know why i did it i also cut the tops of my fingers.. they wouldn't stop bleeding it hurt so bad and scared me from all the blood. but it was amusing and i knew nothing would happen i think someone saw my wrist today my watch slipped and i yelped kinda loud. i don't think she'll say anything if she did see it she's afraid of the guidance office. anyway, hope you all are doing better ♥ Aidan |
| 11:25p | Andrew signed off. And before he left he said "Remember Ill love you forever" and now Im scared. He hasnt been back online and usually he would be. Hes been talking about suicide a lot, Im so scared. Would he do this to me? I dont know. My phones broken so I cant call him or anything. Im so worried. I love him so much. Even if we arent going out...hes my best friend. I need to cut, I want to, but I told myself that I wouldnt so I dont want to break that... Help me <3 Liv |
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