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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 4:35p | yesterday. i was in a horrible mood. and i had to stay at school until like 5. and my dad picked me up after my chorus practice (that's why i stayed so long after) and i bitched at him all the way home. about math, mostly. and how i hate it. and how i'm never going to use it. and how i'm going to fail the finals. and how i dont care. and he just listened. i think he may have tried to get in some words, but i was ranting so much, you couldnt have gotten a word in if your life depended on it. but yah. so when we got home, i got the ibeauprofin(sp?) bottle and took 3. like they were candy. and i've done that before. but this time, it seemed to calm me down. so yah. i guess this entry had no point. oh well. ohh. but i did cut. on thursday. so there goes my record. oh well. fuck records. fuck goals. fuck boys. fuck everything. hope everyone's doing well. xoxo ♥ Brandi Current Music: Konstantine ♥ Something Corporate |
| 8:29p | I think I'm drowning asphyxiated I wanna break this spell that you've created you're something beautiful a contradiction I wanna play the game I want the friction you will be the death of me you will be the death of me bury it I won't let you bury it I won't let you smother it I won't let you murder it our time is running out our time is running out you can't push it underground you can't stop it screaming out I wanted freedom bound and restricted I tried to give you up but I'm addicted now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation you'd never dream of breaking this fixation you will squeeze the life out of me bury it I won't let you bury it I won't let you smother it I won't let you murder it our time is running out our time is running out you can't push it underground you can't stop it screaming out how did it come to this? ooooohh you will suck the life out of me bury it I won't let you bury it I won't let you smother it I won't let you murder it our time is running out our time is running out you can't push it underground you can't stop it screaming out How did it come to this? ooooohh at the moment this song ('time is running out' by muse) sums up my feelings in a weird sense... the other night i went to a friends 18th bday party... i got pretty drunk and tipsy... me and another friend and my folks were staying at a caravan park down the road from my friends place and her bf (also my ex from about 3 years ago) dropped me and my friend there bout 1:45am... my folks headed back there earlier... we stayed out a bit more... anyway, my friend went inside and i was talking to my bestie's bf.... we had been talking all night... about anything and everything... im a good listener and he needed to talk... anyway when he dropped us at the caravan park we were talking (he was sitting in his car...) and we ended up makin out in the carpark... i feel so ashamed as i was kinda drunk but i still knew what was happening... i went to bed on cloud 9 and woke up with a hangover... we were talking the next day and he apologised for what happened... i said he shouldnt be sorry coz it was me too.... as we kept talking i found out that he liked what happened as did i... and he told me that my bestie thought there was something going on between us.... and that she thought i wanted him back... thats not true... i couldnt do that to her... she is my best friend... and then he was sending me messages last night and i said that i hoped that wat happened didnt effect our friendship becoz i was glad that our friendship was getting back on track... (it hadnt been so good when we had broken up...we didnt talk for 2 years).... he said that nothing would change and that something might happen between us again in the near future... i said maybe it would... he might get lucky again... then today he sent me a message telling me to wake up... (he normally only does that for his gf...) i sent him a message later saying that things couldnt happen between us as much as i wanted it too becoz i couldnt hurt my friend like that... wat happened was a once off... never again.... he didnt say anything back... until this afternoon when i got a message from him saying was i ignoring him... i said no... then i said something about his message that he sent to wake me up didnt wake me up i slept right thru it... then he said that he should have been laying in bed next to me when i woke up.... i said sure maybe but i couldnt do anything that could jepordise my friendship... i just couldnt... and then he sent me back a message saying that it was only a joke... i mean what am i supposed to think by that?? it threw me off course... i said to him that he shouldnt joke about things like that... its not right... then he said that he jokes about these things all the time with ppl... i thought to myself, thats not like him... he wouldnt normally do things like that... and it kinda hurt me coz i have had things like this happen to me b4... and even tho he is my friends bf and my ex, i thought he woulda treated me a bit better coz of all the shit i hav been thru with guys.... its not fair... i wanted to crawl up in a ball and not come out.... its not fair... i was so close to cutting up my wrists becoz thats the only place i feel happy about it... and i feel content with doing it there... but i didnt... but i think i might tonight... i dont know... it hurt me so much and i dont think he knows.... im so bummed.... i want to and need to cry... im sorry guys... u dont need this, but i needed someone and i knew you would listen to me... ur the only ones that do apart from one best friend.... i love u guys... always and forever... Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: time is running out - muse |
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