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Monday, December 12th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 1:05a | |
| 8:32a | ALL I WANT TO BE IS BEAUTIFUL she`s gorgeous. she`s beautiful.(they say) she stares in the mirror and hates what she sees. she spends hours in the morning fixing her hair, putting on make-up, && still hating her reflection. she exercises five hours a day, starves herself skinny, makes herself throw up at night. she goes in depression. starts cutting herself. "shes Beautiful". anyone can see it; except her. why can`t she just learn to love herself instead of putting herself through all this agony? she`s never good enough for herself. doesn`t see what the point of her living is. life is hopeless for her. she gets an overdose && feels the rush of death. .. ANOTHER WASTED LiFE. - <33 wrote thiss. Things right now are just soo confusing i dont even know what to think or what to say my life right now is sooo confusing. Im sitting here just in blank-ness not even knowing waht to do or what to even think about. the other day i talked my friend out of killing herself. . .when thats all i want to do. i dont even know what is going on. Me and my best friend arent close anymore shes just drifted since she got a boyfriend. Ive been soo moody lately where i just want to scream my head off when someone talks to me i dont even know why and i want to walk down the halways with my head to the floor and just loose myself slowlier everyday. and love it. not hate it i want to cry in joy of loosing myself. to just drift away from myslef my friends and life as i know it. i truly want help . i think i have been crying out for help for the longest time. i want it i crave it but i dont know how to approach it. My mom && dad would just say "stop it " they wouldnt give me any support like Ohh how about we take you somewhere this may be seriouse. i just dont know how anything and anybody react . .i mean im already the biggest disgrace to this family i dont know how it would change a thing or make them look down on me any more. i just truly want to be loved, to be accepted by somoene for who i am. i always have to change the way i am for somoen im sick of it. if you dont fucking like the way i am go fucking screw yourself. theres nothing i can do for you. the number 1 thing that gets to me is that i want to talk to lindsey (bff) about when i cut i want to be able to talk to somoene and as her being my best friend in all i thought hey maybe i could talk to her about it but no. if i ever did she'd be like fuck you your soo stupid blah blah and i CANT TAKE ANYMORE NEGATIVITY towards me my self esteem. i dont know what to do anymore. Current Mood:  confused |
| 5:13p | I dunno what's wrong with me lately..I seem to be totally out of it. The only thing I can think of is him...K...he slowly is driving me nuts. Okey his best friend told me that K thinks im a cool gurl and he likes me and stuff, but when his friend asked him when he was gonna make a move, he couldnt answer...He just was like..uh I dunno...hmm maybe not at all...maybe I will...we'll see blah blah... WTF??!! And now this friday I was in this bar with 3 of my friends and their b/f (who are K's friends :-| ) and K walks in... He OR didnt see me OR completely ignored me on purpose...but he DID...and he didnt even say bye either! Oh man...Im so done with this all.. I wish I could just forget him and just move on but I can't :-S this is driving me NUTS....I can't sleep anymore, I can't concentrate, I'm eating like a fckin pig and look even more fckd up than nrmal. Hope everyone's fine :) Love , iensjj |
| 8:49p | Opps ... I did it again EEP i want to stop but i like the feel y ankow it lets me know im still alive ..:-/ whys every thing so effin hard geesh <3 Odie Current Mood:  blah |
| 9:46p | ever loving sharpness Again Shes done it again Sitting on the bathroom floor She watches expressionlessly as the blood flows Drops of crimson splattering onto the white tile What a contrast The devilish red liquid against the innocent white What can she do? Who can she tell? No one would listen past the point of one word "Cut" Insults would be flung Voices would be raised As would hands Eyes would glare While others shine with horrid pity Thoughts of "How can you do this to yourself?" Racing through their misunderstanding minds While she'd stand there Protecting herself by disappearing inside her dark mind The blood flows steadily Wondering what to do As she merely stares Closing her blank eyes She slides away Knowing no one would find her In time at least Ah yes...I bought my razors...mum almost saw though...I was freaking out so badly when she walked up behind me as I was standing in line...I almost fainted I was so damnb freaked...and I DON'T faint...I was so lucky she was looking away when the lady rang up the razors..I seriously had my eyes closed and was prepaired to run when if I heard her yell "ARE YOU MAD!?"...but thankfully that never came.. I cut yesterday as soon as I got home with them...Wasn't more then semi deep cuts... But I got into a fight with my friend Lee and hell I went crazy with my razor... Now I've got this big ass cut gaping open on my inner thigh.. *rubs eyes I don't know what to do.. I don't think I should tell anyone... I won't go to the hospital... Never again.. If they find out I'm not taking my meds and I'm cutting like this.. They'll send me back upstairs... And I won't take any meds or even talk so god only knows how'd long I'd be there.. I won't go back... Never helps.. Only makes me feel like more of a weirdo.. Blast it! I can't talk to anyone about this.. My friends either.. Don't cut...and wouldn't understand Have stopped...and don't want to be reminded of it.. Or are trying to stop...and hearing about it might send them back to the blade.. I try to talk to my friends seriously... *Shakes head* They're so used to me joking.. They don't take me seriously anymore.. I feel so alone...and I don't know what to do... <333333 Gabby Current Mood:  melancholyCurrent Music: |
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