Sunday, December 11th, 2005

Time	Event
11:31a	*Looks around for a monkey* Always wanted a monkey... Not sure why... They're so cute... Plus it would drive my mum nuts... Any and everything that drives her nuts makes me oh so content.. I can't sleep.. I know its almost noon... But my eyes are so tired... And yet I can't sleep... I just keep stressing over going to CT to see the family next weekend... I ALWAYS freak out... Never know why... It just gets to be too much and I feel like I'm being smothered even though everyone pretty much ignores me.. I always end up hiding out somewhere in my Aunts huge house.. And dad ALWAYS ends up finding me hours later... I've started carrying my razors with me again... I don't feel safe without them... Even if I don't use em all the time... As long as they're near me at all times I can relax... *blinks* Ah...am rather upset...Dad finally called me back last night... He had to put down our doggie this week... *cries* He was an old pup but...he was so awesome... Such a sweet dog...Never snap at anyone or even growled... Although ever since my brothers mum got him a new puppy poor Tocet felt he had to act young.. Just so he could get Dominic's attention.. I knew he wasn't doing good... Dad had never kept that from me... But its soo...I don't know...now that its actually happened... Mum almost found out I cut again the other day.. I was dumb enough to put some of the bloody tissues and bandaids in the bathroom trash... I had to lie and say the blood was..er..female problems...and I didn't know where the bandaids came from *Looks around worried* At first I thought she would make me pull up my pant leg and make me prove it.. I would have been sooo screwed... But after a few minutes she just shruged and said "whatever" Makes me almost wonder if she even cares if I cut anymore... We're going to the stores and mall today... I'll have to be sneaky to get my razors... I'll act like I'm going to the bathroom or something and when she goes off somewhere else.. I'll circle back and grab the razors and buy them... Then just stuff em in my pocket.. OR!! I'll bring my huge black purse with me and put them in there after.. Yeah I think I'll do that.. I almost need to get a pressie... For the Yankee Swap (or whatever).. Since I'm now 18 my dads family has included me in their little game for Christmas.. I usually try to hide around then.. I HATE sitting with all the family and pretend to be happy... Sometimes I think I wish I could just disappear then.. Anyhow...I've done on long enough.. *Reads everything and blinks* Damn...I talk too much... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <333333 Gabby Current Mood: blank Current Music: Alicia Keys-Karma (Comment on this)
3:20p	i stayed up really late last night. now i remember why i go to bed so early. around 1 in the morning i was looking at my old best friend's livejournal. i loved having a best friend. it made me feel like there was someone who cared. all her old entries showed that. we'd get into contests about who loved who more. we were exactly alike in every way. she made me stop cutting by saying for every cut i did she would do three. it made me stop for a while. i still did it occasionally. then over the summer we sort of lost touch. she was always gone and she was never home when i called. during the summer i stopped cutting for a month and a half because i wouldn't want her to find out if i did cut. then i learned she changed. i no longer have a best friend and she has replaced me, not that she hasn't before. she seperated herself from all of her old friends and even stopped being friends with two of them. they always fought and they gave up on each other. we still talked. rarely. she was the high school sterotypical freshman who had a dramatic change from 8th grade to 9th. finally it came out that she pretty much lied the whole year before. she was only who she was because she wanted to be friends with me, and the two other girls i mentioned before. she never liked cutting and never was really serious when she threatened to commit suicide. it tore me to pieces. i never had anyone who understood me. then i find out that she was just being who i was. like, stealing my identity for the sake of her.. popularity. i wasn't popular, i just had a lot of friends and it hurt to be used like that. i forgave her though, but she is still distant now. we're no longer best friends. it's sort of because of her that i don't have any best friends now, any people i can trust. that's why i cut for the first time in two weeks yesterday and cried the hardest than i have in a while. it's sad how much it effected me. but i know what to blame my lack of trust on. sorry about this stupid post. i just.. felt like talking. ha. hope everyone is doing well ♥ Aidan [ Emmy ] (2 Comments | Comment on this)
11:24p	*Opps* I did a bad thing... I tried to end it all... I tried... Tho I have failed... I will possably try again... If inbout... Try... Try... Again... Hope you all are doing better. Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: *Saw & Natalie on AIM8 (5 Comments | Comment on this)

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