Wednesday, December 7th, 2005

Time	Event
8:02a	bleed me beautiful Alright i havent cut in 4 days. wow thats forever for me. but i really need some advice from someone anyone.!!! WEll i really like this boy named kevin and i havent like fallen for anyone since 2 years ago. b.c i still have been heartbroken over my last boyfriend of 8 months. but kevin i dont even know with this kid im soo *head over heals* like i dont even want to use this word but i am in love with him i have had a little girl crush on him from the beginning of the school year and i dont know what to do with myself. i melt everytime i see him i could be in the worst mood ever possible and he just looks at me and "acts like hes mad" and i just smile i laugh i cant help it just looking at him puts a smile on my face. he sleeps sometimes in 3rd hour and i just like look at him sleeping and smile hes sooo cute and to die for and i dont knwo what to do. this kid is soo mysterious hes un-predictable, he like has a damn on and off switch i dont knwo what to dooo ahhh. its like he flirts with me all the time but i never talk to him outside of school or online or anything i just talk to him in school so 2 days ago i worked up enough courage to see if he wanted to hang out this weekend and he kinda like hesitated and was like yea sure i played it "cool" lol and i dont even know if were hanging out anymore. and right after he said we were hanging out he like put his head down i wanted to scream with joy. i want to get to know him i want to be with him but i dont know how to talk to him about it. b/c we dont talk anywere else besides school and its soo difficult for me to do something like this to tell him i want to though i want this to go somewhere i REALLLY like him and im soo stuck im soo ugh lost i dont know what to do i have never been like this usually i can just tell the person but its soo hard with him becasue hes not the kind of kid you talk to about these kind of things and i neeeed to i neeed to tell him how i feel i want him to but im scared im a wreck over here. i have noo sense of anythinng.sorry im just ranting i need this to get out and i need help. Pleeeeeeeeeeesee help mee ♥ ♥ I hope everyone is doing okay and i love all of you verrrry much!! xo . x3.carissa. Current Mood: flirty (3 Comments | Comment on this)
2:20p	I've read in many of these pages that some, like me, cut because of loss. How does one learn that balance between living and emotion. I drag my knife across my chest till it looks like there's been some tribal right of passage ritual having been performed on me... the design dripping blood and serving as a symbol of my inability to express my remorse, my anger, my longing. Dear God please grant me strength to keep not cutting. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: VNV Nation - Existence (VNV Nation Mix) (Comment on this)
8:14p	*...How Do I Know? You Are Always Lying...* I don't know what to do... My boyfriend and I are fighting... I am getting backstabbed at work all the time... My money from my pay check is not getting me much of anywhere anymore... I am not going anywhere right now... My family is mad at me... I can't keep anything going right... I can do nothing right... I feel like such a loser right now... Hope you all are doing better... I would like some addvice... And I don't think... You all like me very much on here... As well... But that's ok if you don't... I understand why... I understand why you would not like me... There are tons of reason's why most people don't like me... If you don't I would like to hear why... I mean you don't have to tell me... People love to keep things from me... And they have every reason to... I am as people call me *A BackStabbing Hore*... That's what people call me... Judge as you see fit... Current Mood: blank Current Music: *Saw* (5 Comments | Comment on this)
9:25p	ok, tell me fi this ever happens to you guys... ok i was taking a Precalculus test, and i couldn't do like any of the questions, and if i coudl it took me a long time and i felt liek i was doing so badly. i felt lieka failure. so i wanted to cut RIGHT THEN so badly, i was liek so desperite, i was just liek digging my nails into my wrists, and i was liek so angry with myself for some weird reason. Like i hated myself then and like i wanted to hurt ymself, i turned my pencil to the erasor end and tried to scratch my wrists but i wa sjust really upset while just taking a layed back test. i twas lame, and random. im just physco, i just am obsessed with cutting mabye, but its been like 2 months, and then my friend showed me her arm and she had hardcore cuts all over them so i dunno it made me want to so badly, so i did 2 little cuts that night. but then today during the test i REALLY wanted to cut. life is wierd. you knwo when you think baout it cutting is so weird. liek to cut yourself, tis random. its like you purposely harm yourself, wich isnt wierd, the wierd thing is its called cutting. im physco tonight clearly. sorry if i wasted your time. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Rent (1 Comment | Comment on this)

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