Monday, December 5th, 2005

Time	Event
6:10p	hmm. so Dusty said he likes me maybe. and maybe I like him but I also like another boy, a junior with the name of Jake. and well. ah. I took a drink of Dusty's OJ today at lunch and he said i could "have a drink for a kiss" I thought he was joking, but I got on AIM tonight. and he's not joking. so I owe him a kiss. =/ I guess I'm fine with it just as long as Jake doesnt see me... what am I getting myself into?! this is only going to end up bad. badbadbadbad &&my best friend's grandpa [not technically, but I won't get into that] died. and I'm going to his funeral with her. I love her. and I'd take a bullet for her. loves to all. xoxo ♥ Brandi Current Mood: blank Current Music: Konstantine (Comment on this)
8:32p	this is my unopened letter to a world that never shal reply........ i had i friend who i thought cared. he always said that i was beautilful when i'm not, that i complete him like he did me, that we belonged together like it was destiny though it was all a lie. he said that he'd love to date me and that he liked me alot almost love he said. i felt the same or so i thought. i wanted to go out with him but he ruined me. bcuz of wut he knew he said that i was no good. that he would never date a slut who almost got pregnant. well thats the story he thought he knew though it wasn't completely true. he though it was a might got pregnant and so did all my friends but its time i tell that truth about wut reely happened. i was pregnant i juss lied to get away. so my friends wouldn't think i'm a complete slut who threw it all away. well i did and i lost it. i lost it as well as my pride and dignity and my bf who i thought gave a damn but he didn't reely care. to have the one person that i though i cared about and almost loved say that to me and lead me on playing me for a fool. i can't take it ne more. i cut 32 times lastnight. all i want to do is crawl up into a hole and die right now and it might be wut i do. i've fucked upmy life so much that i don't think i can fix it now. i want to go crawl into a ball and slit my wrists and take some pills and die. i don't think i'm gunna be comming back. i don't weant to live ne more and after all that's happened i don't think i have the strength to hold on. i'm gunna try and hold on as long as i can but no promises. this is my unopened letter to a worked that never shal reply. this is my goodbye. if i don't come back u were all great. mizegan i'm sorry. please don't say ne thing. sometimes u know when it's your time and well.............. Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
10:02p	"momma take this badge off of me. i can't use it anymore." hey, it's been a couple of days ... i haven't cut for about a week now. i gave in last monday because my nana is back in the hospital and that just got to me...burried inside, so i had to cut it out. i've kind of found a substitution to my cutting and it's not any healthier, but it makes me feel something and something is better then this nothing i always feel. it's healthier then snorting cocaine and that's what i need to get past. my mind is really a mess. i feel happy and i'm starting to act happy to the core, but i just need that something to bring me down. i don't know why and i've been sitting here for hours trying to come up with an answer to that, but i can't find one. it's like i need to be depressed. i need that unhappiness to level out my happiness. too much too fast maybe, i don't know. i want to be happy, but i want to look better. i want my scars to go away, all 300+. i need something better to fill my time. to fill my empty voids. i can't live like this forever. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Knocking on heaven's door - avril lavigne (1 Comment | Comment on this)
10:08p	*...X-Mass can bite me...* Well my parents did everything with my sister this year... Without me... They went shopping... They got gifts for veryone but me... They hung the lights inside and outside the house... They put up the tree... They did everything without me... Which is not as surpriseing... So I got up late... And then I went over to my friends house... But I was still upset... So I hope everyone else is doing well... Hope you all have a better X-Mass or whatever day you celabrate... Current Mood: nauseated Current Music: *Movie* (6 Comments | Comment on this)

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