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Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 4:42a | Oh my lord i couldnt be anymore pist off than i am RIGHT NOW!!! eeeerrrrgggg. i fucking hate stupid girls why the hell are boys soo much more inmortant than your god damn best friend seriosally. ughh $#%^#(&^@& thats how i feeel !!!!!! My best friend (lindsey) totally has been with this kid named clifford and everytime she gets with a boy she like gets soo attatched that they hang out 24-9 and its soo fucking annoying i cant take it anymore. she never has any damn time for me. this week she has hung out with him EVERYDAY no matter what and its like when she finds something new she forgets about who was always there for her thick and thin through everything. we had plans to hang out today because she was too bussy with cliff yesterday so i told her id call her around like 11 b/c my fam. was leaving and the only way i could get over there. so i called her like 3 trillion times and she doestn answer her phone. so i left her a message for her to call me back does she call me back?? . NO. and i get online like 5 min. ago and i see shes online and i look at her profile and it says "at cliffs<33 :)" im like WTF . ahhhhhh she ignored my phone calls beacuase she is with a fucking boy i cant fucking stand this any FUCKING LONGERRRRRRR> AHHHHH IM GOING TO GO INSANEE. damnit why the hell does this alwasy happen to me she always does this whyyy? seriosally she just forgets about who has alwayyyyys been there for her. fuck this im fucking done with it im not taking it anymore. im about to go nuts i need to bleed. i need to ahhhhhh cut myslefffffff. damnit. xo. x3.carissa. |
| 11:42a | So what im i suppose to do now Save my fucking life, and get trough it somehow? Fuck all of this, i hate this world I hate the people, the ones that control me I hope yuo all fucking burn in hell and see What the fuck is in my thoughts Story’s without words You will never understand me And you always gonne be The one i hate so much And when can i finally touch Your body full of flesh and blood I’ll kill you and i will do it good Ill slit your troath and cut into your vain Feel the fucking pain! Bleed motherfucker, let it drip away Die motherfucker! I dont want you to stay |
| 1:51p | ahh. to be young and in love ... the play went good last night, aside from the mic problems. but i guess that's bound to happen. *shrugs* after the play, a lot of peolpe from the cast went to Denny's! haha i ate like a freaking pigg. it was crazy awesome. and yah. i was really hyper and so i probably scared some of my castmates. haha i think i just made up a new word! anywho. my friend Jake, who is also in the play, said he'd help me dye my herr. i'm thinking maybe purple or maroon or something pretty darn awesome. yah. and he's really cute too. and idk. maybe i like him. maybe i just like to flirt. hmm. talk to you kiddies later! love you all! ♥ Current Mood:  hyperCurrent Music: Aiden |
| 8:27p | i'm new here... My thoughts are all jumbled up now. They're all together in my head, I just don't know where to place them. So, I'll start with one thing. I'm like the biggest teenage fucking cliche ever. And yet I always try to deny it. And so I don't fit in with the people who are the cliches. But I don't fit in with the people who aren't. (If that makes any sense.) I'm so ridiculously insecure. I have such a deep dislike for everyone I know... and yet, I hate being alone. I hate meeting new people, because I'm so fucking shy and insecure. And I just hate bothering to get to know them, period. I'm so anti-social. One thing I really hate is that I can't cut anymore. I can't cut because I don't want to have another "scare" like that one time I made that gash. I don't want to feel the relief of the blade against my skin, but have to monitor how deep I cut because I don't want to kill myself. And how I have to cover the scars up for gym class. And how people ask questions, and how I make excuses. And how some people just love to put me down when they find out... like my self-esteem can't get any lower. And how people accept my cutting as something normal and a part of who I am. And how I can't pop pills like candy anymore, because I keep on feeling like throwing it up, ever since that one time I downed way too many and thought I was gonna DIE. And how I seem to suck at living. And how much I suck at being a good friend to anybody else because I'm too sucked into my own drama. And how I never seem to get a day without all this repressed anger and sadness. And how everyone just accepts these feelings as just who I am. God, I'm ranting so badly right now. But whatever, this is a cutting community thingy, and I decided to join because I needed to rant really badly. And if anyone wants to criticize me, they've really got some nerve because even if my life comes off as perfect, it's not. It's really full of too many cracks. God, that was such a crappy way of writing it. Fuck. Current Mood:  aggravated |
| 9:01p | he knows that i love him...so why does he need this? hey all, things are a little better lately...actually just the night before...i decided i was gonna go over to his house and not let my parents control our relationship anymore so i said i was "spending the night" at my friends house and when she dropped me off there, my boyfriend came and picked me up...so yes then we were with my friend britney, her boyfriend, and 2 of my boyfriends friends...and yes...we all spent the night over there...my actual first time spending the night at a guys house..i know..its sad...but o well im only 16 lol so yea that was pretty fun, the only problem is, which is relaly bothering me lately, is his smoking problem, just regular cigarettes so not as big of a deal, but it actually is when you think about it, its like a slow death when you look at it from my point of view, im not one of those people who automatically hate ppl who smoke or do drugs, cuz why would i when ive done them myself...but that doesnt mean that i like to see the ppl that i care about hurting because of it...especially my boyfriend. hes not particularily hurting from it, but its sooo excessive right now, i mean i swear he smoked almost a whole pack..or maybe he did smoke the whole thing, of cigarettes in one night..that scares me, idk if im overreacting or not but i dont think i am..my dad smokes too..and he doesnt like to talk to me about it, so i was hoping that my boyfriend would talk with me about it..totally not what i expected...he said that he would cut back for me, and not smoke as much, but that might only be around me, and he said he will never stop, those exact words...and that really scared me because i KNOW that its hard, its sooo hard, but you got to at least try right? thats what i think anyways. i love him so much.. does ne 1 have any suggestions that know a little bit more about this than i do? its appreciated very much.....luv all you girls, you rock. <3 -oh yea...i havent cut in about a couple weeks.. : ) Current Mood:  coldCurrent Music: some gay christmas music haha |
| 11:45p | hey guys, Im sorry I didnt post in a while...I was really busy with school and everything...How is everyone doing? Hope ur doing fine :) I feel so fckd up...I really like this guy okey...and all his friends told me he liked me too...but Im almost sure he doesnt. :( We went to the movies yesterday( me, him, and my 3friends with 3 of his friends...), everyone was like making out and having the funnest time ever. He hates movies so we had to drag him to the movies. The whole movie long I was trying soo hard to make him notice me. padding his leg because he was so annoyed by the movie etc. And he just ignored everything I did...He just was being so pissed off the whole nite that I didnt know if it was just me or that he just had a shitty day. So at the end of the movies he just walked out very annoyed and like not talking to me, avoiding me etc.. I really just wanted to cry! I mean I like this guy for over a month now, all my friends are like basically dating his friends and he is just being such an ass! Cant he just be clear to me? Cant he just tell me to fuck off and tell me I dont have a chance or is that too much to ask? God...I so wanna know if he likes me...Maybe its because he is a senior and is leaving the country like in 6 months to go back to the US and doesnt want to get hurt, but I mean I just feel like Im making up excuses.... Why do I always get into this fckd up situations? He didnt go out tonite...Maybe just because he had to take his SAT's this morning at 7:30 and was tired but otherwise he is just trying to avoid me..cause Im sure he knows I like him...Okey not totally but ALMOST... Sorry for the long post, with all the complaining and shit...Im gonna go now...I really feel shit and feel like cutting and I mean we're not shooting the weirdass movie for english this weekend so no one will see my legs anyways.. again sorry for the long fckd up post... <3 iensjj |
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