Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

Time	Event
12:03a	i want to cut so fucking bad. actually, i'm going to. i'm going to finish up whatever shit it is i'm doing on this damn computer, go to my room, cut, and go to bed at a fairly decent hour. why do i love to cut? at times it seems such a strange fetish.... except for right now. because i'm itching to do it. Current Mood: i wanna bleed Current Music: incubus (1 Comment | Comment on this)
1:25a	Does anybody know where I can purchase a scalpel? I can't buy anything online... any help would be appreciated. Current Mood: tired Current Music: Silverstein (1 Comment | Comment on this)
5:39p	maybe this is good news, maybe it's not. so. maybe Eric and I are going to be like friends with benifits. not dating, but still liking each other. but then again maybe we're not. I don't know. why is he so confusing? and I'm going to try not to cut for atleast until after December 4th. I am playing Dorthy in a play at school. I think. and I may have to wear a dress. and I dont know if my scabs on my legs are going to heal in time. God, I hope so. have a good thanksgiving!! ♥ (1 Comment | Comment on this)
6:15p	hey. i havent written in here for awhile aye. ive been getting better, then id get worse, then id get better again, then id get worse ect ect. its like a neverending roller coaster its like a neverending dream its like a neverending reality that im not gonna be over until ... not until i get help not until i throw away my life not until i screw everything up not until i fucking die if you kill reality, kill me too, i cant stand this life, its only me and you, alone and unafraid, the demons chase us in our dreams, im sick of tired of living a lie, they dont know a thing about me, this reality isnt real, so if you kill reality, remember to kill me too. after all the shit ive been thru, after everything we've done, after throwing out my razors, and making you my number 1, i keep getting hurt, i keep hurting you, i wanna lose track, of all the time in the world, then id be alone with my thoughts, id be alone with my actions, my dreams, and most of all, my fears. i just wrote those just then. kinda explains how im feeling right now. so yeh. how are all you guys doing.? ihate_myself Current Music: stabbing westward - breathe you in (Comment on this)
6:35p	hey guys. i haven't posted in a real long time. i guess im ok... sort of content not too sad not really happy. i haven't cut for about 1 month but i have burned myself. about 5 burns on my wrist from heating up the tip of a pen in fire and then dragging it across your skin.. its amazing. almost better then cutting. to me at least. i didnt really do it for a reason.. just that i missed it. missed the pain. ehh idk. life is just shitty? (Comment on this)
9:49p	"you're soooooo sad." ouch! okay, enough said. We’re indecisive and manipulative. We cave from the lightest thoughts. Do you think that if you hit me I’d feel better? Do you ever wonder where my bruises come from? That someone that raised me, The one who is trying to "save me." Console me in your arms, But that's not where I want to be. You don't see how much you hurt me. I’m trapped in your grip. That hand that tangles around my neck. Maybe I’m the defect, But I don't think this is right. We aren't supposed to fight like this. You're the one person I will never miss. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)

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