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Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 9:12a | well i don't have a home anymore. i don't really know why but my dad kicked me out last thursday. well i asked him if he had work and he said, and i quote, " u should know i hve fucking work tonight what r u stupid?" un quote. and he wasn't saying it as if he was joking he was just being an ass for no reason. then i said that he was being an ass, in those exact words, and he grabbed my arm and dragged me to the door and told me to get out. i said fine and i left. i spent the night sleeping outside and now i'm staying with my friend lex from group. it sux. i'm so glad his parents let me stay there but i don't know how long i'm allowed to stay. thenksgiving is comming up in thursday and i want to go home and be with my mom for it like always but i don't think i'm even think i'm allowed back there yet. see i still have my house key so when my dad's not home i'll go into my house and get something it i need it. my friend lives about a block away from my house so it's convient. i don't want to spend thanksgiving alon though. i don't want to spend it with friends either. i want to go home but thats exactally what my dad expects me to do. he doesn't think i can handle it and that i'm gunna come home crying to him and i want to prove him wrong so that maybe he'l ask me to come home but it's not likely. i hate thins. my mom hates this. my sister's pissed about it and my mom hasn't done anything about it. well i g2g. Current Mood:  crushed |
| 12:38p | Bleed Me Beautiful Why do i have to be treated like a fucking 2 yr. old alll the time im sick of it im leaving this house one way or another im going to go live with lindsey shes talking to her parents about it. because i cannot stand another single day in this hell hole i dont know what im going to do or what its going to lead to. ITS ALWAYS MY FAULT Always everytime even if the situation doesnt even pertain me its my fault everytime . . i didnt call my "dad" ( i dont even want to refer to him as that right now) before i left to go to cliff's house and i called him when i got there so he freaked out screaming at me infront of everyone making me cry. so im freaking out and i have lindsey come over to calm me down beacause at this point i cant even breathe so shes talking to me calming me down that took about 10 minutes. and so i ask cliff to use his house phone b/c my "dad" doesnt believe im there so i call him from the home phone and hes like id advise you to come home and all this other Bull shit. so i come home and get bitched at for an hour because its my fault and that i didnt calll right after i got off the cell phone and call off the home phone so i got in trouble for that and i "lied" tp him because i called him after i got to cliffs house. . . HOW THE HELL IS THAT LIEING?? what ever im leaving im done with this im done with my drunk dad everynight i come home to its pretty sad that i have to actually be sent to my room by my mom so i dont get yelled at by my drunk dad comming home . . thats just utterly pathetic i hate is i hate my life . i cant stand it . . I cut my legs over like 5693409376 billion times my whole 2 legs are all bleeding and none would stop soo im getting kinda scared but who cares now i hope i bleed out. serioally this time. i cant handle this and im sitting in the bathroom trying to stop some bleeding and my dad knocks what are you doing in there youve been in there for awhile . . im like im pooping god leave me alone its the bathroom really. ughhhhhh. well right now im going to cut my wrists because i need more. x3 carissa. Current Mood: numb |
| 1:37p | "More than a dozen whales that beached in the Canary Islands in September 2002 found bleeding around the brain and ears and lesions in the animals' livers and kidneys." whales and dolphins are being severely affected by ocean noise generated by military sonar. they rely on sound for mating, finding food and avoiding predators. "The Natural Resources Defense Council sued the Navy last month in federal court in Los Angeles in an attempt to curb its use of mid-frequency sonar, which is the most common method of detecting enemy submarines. The environmental group wants limits on sonar during training exercises, not in war." not in war? NOT IN WAR?? so not only are these pointless wars killing innocent families now they're contributing to the extinction of our marine wildlife? it makes me want to throw up. did anyone else see the Earth to America on TBS? it was about global warming. it was really well done, but i doubt that many people will do anything about it. i don't know why north america cares so little about the enviornment. it's a quandary. we use the most resources and we give so little back. i want to go to africa. i think i'd feel at home there. or maybe i could just live in an animal shelter. it drives me madd to know that people can abuse animals in this way and show absolutely no remorse about it. holy fuck, i'm reading something on the peta site right now. they busted another testing lab, WHOOO "Goddamn...i'm gonna knock you out...you little bitch, you hateful ass, you." - Senior Convance technician talking to a monkey he's restraining. (sept. 4, 2004) these things always make me cry...but i read them anyway. i think it's better to cry about these things, then to be oblivious. if you get a chance, read this article: http://www.covancecruelty.com/insideCovanceUS.asp and sign the letter to Secretary Johanns also go here: http://www.caringconsumer.com/ it'll tell what products are NOT tested on animals. heh, i know this has NOTHING to do with cutting... but really, i don't care. it's important |
| 5:55p | eep WEll its been a whiel from me huh? well i carved " I <3 U MA" on my arm but its fading cause it was almost a month and a half ago but last night...man.. i dk was crazy! i made more than 20 cuts.. it was bleeding so much I LOVED IT .. blood was dripping alot from my arm onto my chair then today i got called to the counslers (?) office and i was talking to a friend i thought it was cause of my arm and i showed her then i left to the counssler (but it wasnt cause my arm) and my friend Chloe told my other friend Emma and they cried in class THEN after class they came up to me and were talking about it super ass loud and a teacher sorta heard, 2 other people Alyssa and Jessica heard and said they were gunna tell on me then Emma wanted to see so i walked into the bathroom with ehr and Chloe and as i was showing her Christina a friend of mine walked in and saw stood there and came up to me and was like "are you okay" and i said i was fine i could take care of it all she said "no you cant im mad at you" WTFFFFF HOW GAY IS THAT?!?!?! and now im suppose to talk to a girl who use to cut/do drugs alot this weekend cause Emma wants me to Eeh I dk if i should But i really want to cut last night was awesome... that totally makes me sound bad haha but i mean i love to cut not just to get out my pain/problems but i love the feeling ya know?? im mumbling on and on i should stop huh.... welll I love you all stay as strong as you can If you ever need to talk my screen name for AIM is ... BloodyxemoxScars Feel free to IM me anytime!! <3 Krista (Odie) Current Mood: /pleased Current Music: Line And Sinker by Billy Talent |
| 7:38p | "The savages are upon me and I feel my flesh. Burn beneath the teeth of their indifference." today was pretty good ... didn't cut (yay me!) ... i managed to do all my homework last night and not break down .. okay... that's a lie ... i broke down once, but not because of homework. because of that ongoing stupidity screaming in my mind. i haven't been sleeping well ... maybe because i haven't been taking one of my sleeping pills ... i save those for the weekends when i can actually sleep in, i just hide the rest of them. i wrote my art ISU in one period today, and hell, it was SO good. i was suprised, i went to read through it again and i was like, "holy shit, i wrote this!?" heh, but i did. now i just have to do four fucking canvas paintings on it ... fuck, so time consuming. Pat, Matt, Karen and i drove to Carolyn's bball game after school today ... weeee got a little lost, but it was so fun. the conversation on the way home, stuck in traffic for an hour, was the best though. "what is said in the car, stays in the car" except for here of course... we basically just talked about places we'd want to have sex, how to finger a girl PROPERLY and our overall view on the topic of sex. it was pretty interesting. all of us are virgins but Karen. i wish i wasn't, but what can you do? it will happen eventually and i don't want to force myself into it...even though i want to. it was pretty interesting hearing how Matt and Pat look at it though. not that i'm saying it was stereotypical of them to say some things .... but it was. all the stuff they talked about i had already guessed before it came out of their mouths. .. *sigh* ... boys... that's why sometimes girls are just better. i just feel more comfortable with girls ... well when i'm hanging out with a guy it's like i get so comfortable i act like one...just my attitude is just similar. i guess i have a bit of both. maybe thats why i struggle with my sexuality so much, i just dont know. i saw my friend Laura today. she dropped out of school last year. stupidest thing she's ever done. it's weird to see her now and to physically see how she's changed, how her self view on things has changed. i just want to hug her and tell her i love her, she's so amazing. she just doesn't want to do anything about it. i hate to see how her decisions in life have screwed up her future. she knows i'm always here for her though. when she would run away from home, i'd always be that place she'd run to. now she runs downtown to the streets, that scares me a lot. it's twisted how everyone can be in so much pain and we all deal with it our own fucked up ways. we're all dealing with it the wrong ways though ... well Laura and me are ... and everyone here too (no offense). i hate how we cut to feel better, or get our minds off of what really hurts. it really depends on the reason you're cutting for at that moment, it all differs from that i guess. well this is getting long and boring...so i'll end it. i hope everyone's doing well Current Mood:  contentCurrent Music: Stained - I'm on the outside |
| 9:28p | i can't mend. her perception is so distorted she can't afford to live like this anymore. her body is crying from the exageration of her speech. she just doesn't see how much her words hurt me. ripping into the soul of my wounded figure. her words slur as she stumbles out an apology. am i sure i want to fall back into her trap? it's taken me this long to forget, how can i just cover it up one more time. under the covers. yet again i don't see the problems that blind me into thinking this is over, but it's just begun. once again she's come undone. Current Mood: content |
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