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Monday, November 21st, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 1:43a | That’s not any kind of secret! Last night after my sister got here, she came to my room to visit for a minute. I was wearing some loose shorts when she came in, and this proved to be a problem to me. The shorts cover to the top of my knee, when I’m standing. They cover all my cuts. All my beauties. But when I sit down, those shorts don’t really like to stay down to my knees. I had a fun (haha, yeah right) time trying to keep the shorts covering me, trying to make sure that Sarah didn’t catch a glimpse of my thighs. Especially since I told her I hadn’t done it since I’d talked with Tyson. I had also done some new ones earlier in the day, while I was getting ready for work, and so I really didn’t want her to catch a glimpse of any of them, because I was sure that if I did, I would never hear the end of it. I want to write, and I want to cut, but what I really need to do is go to bed. Aw, shit, decisions, decisions…. Current Mood: indecisive Current Music: it's your world, pt. 1&2 --->common |
| 8:32a | Bleed me Beautiful Okay whos family doesnt have Thanksgiving?!?! Well APPERANTALLY my effing disfunctional family doesnt Im SOOOO angry right now i dont even know this is like the one time of the year i actually sit down and have a meal with my whole family and i look forward to it . . and now we arent having it i am soo upset because i was going to cook dinner and everything it was going to be soo much fun but no now my effing family is all effed up and were not having it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cut myslef i cut over thanksgiving! thats actually pretty funny to say but im soo upset about it, it actually made me cry b/c my dad is going hunting agaiiinnn and my great grandma cant be around sick people and my bro. is sick my aunt is sick im like wtf seriosally i just want to go be adopted to a family with thanksgiving! Ughhhhhh* =-( . somebody take me to thanksgicing dinner with themmmm <333 lol. x3 carissa Current Mood:  moody |
| 1:48p | nothing changed. i didnt get a boyfriend no new friends but im getting...not happier, but better. im looking on the better side ALL the time &even though i continue to cut. i'm feeling a hell of a lot better about it. :} |
| 3:58p | * && I know my scars won't heal tonight. * hmm. it's amazing how the little things can trigger me into cutting. I had a party to go to on Saturday night. and the rest of my family was at Harry Potter. I was supposed to be doing research for my wellness project and typing my biology report. I was also on AIM. and yah. the mouse froze up. and I was too in a panic and too stressed out to remember the control + s save thing. but whatever. and so I got pissed and stressed. and to top things off, I put some stuff in my hair to make the frizzies not frizzy. and it made my hair look hella greasy. that made me stressed out. because I had spent like an hour straightening my hair already that day. and I get stressed easily I guess. and that just made me cut. and I did it on my calf. and I had done it there before. but this time, it wouldn't stop bleeding. so I got some of my dad's sports stuff from under his sink. I took some gauze, some wrap shit and tape. I made me a band aid. cuz none of the ones we had were big enough for the cuts. so I fix my hair, fix my leg and write my mom a note, asking her to type my paper that I had written. and then leave for the party cuz my friend was at my house to pick me up. so. I get to the party. and Lena didn't have a ride there, so I (thought) I had to keep "my secret" to myself. but guess who showed up?! LENA! and so I took her into the bathroom. and I took off the "band aid" and showed her. and those damn things were still fucking bleeding! this was like an hour later! and so I was like "they'll stop" and we walk out of the bathroom. and go back into the room where the "party" was at. (the party was held at the Chatue, aka Jumer's) and so yah. then I feel the blood running down my leg. and I look closely and my pants have a red splotch on them. and I was like "Lenaaa! shittt!!" and she was like "Shit!" and so we go find Livi's parents and ask them if they have any bandaids. but they dont. so her dad takes me and Lena to the front desk to ask for a first aid kit. and thank god for Lena. I seriously don't know what I would have done without her. she is my fucking life saver. and so we go back into the bathroom, and she "fixes" my leg. then we go back to the "party". and later that night, Eric, the boy who made me and Hillary not friends, asked me out. and I was contimplating what to say. but I was just like "fine whatever." in my head. and I told him yes. and that was like. towards the end of the party. and so. I go home. Sunday's as good as it was gonna get. but after Youth Group, I come home, and get on AIM. and he IMs me. and he's like "it's weird, us going out" and I'm like "what?" and he's like "it feels like I'm going out with a friend that I've known forever" and I was "yah. cuz you've known me forever ... NOT" but then I bitched him out. and so now we're not going out. but it was less than 24 hours. and whatever. he's lame. and I dont even want to talk to him. and yah. I'm done with boys. I just wish I could say that about cutting. ♥ Brandi Current Mood: pissed offCurrent Music: Aiden |
| 4:00p | woke up this morning at 8 30 and cut for the first time in about a month. it just came over me. i dont know, i was really freaking out for some reason. then i went back to my room, smoked some pot, talked to my little brother a bit and felt kind of better. ive just been smoking pot all day and watching tv, trying not to think. then my stupid happy ex texted me like sixteen times arguing with me about how we should hang out but i didnt want to cuz it kills me to even think about her and her happy life and love. bleh puke puke. im too selfish. im thinking i might go dowstairs and buy some pity-party food. chocolate and grease and etc. carbonated sugar and caramel. all the good stuff. lord knows i can't gain weight. im always between 107 and 112. thank god im not like 87 anymore. thatw as just sick. i was so disgustingly thin you could see all my bones. but now, no matter how much i munch out i dont get fat. its nice. i burn so many calories just walking everywhere i need to go i guess. not that i go anywhere much these days. anyhow, its really convenient to just impulsively buy this stuff cuz i live on top of a london drugs. the plaza directly downstairs from our townhouse has a london drugs, a mcdonalds, a video store, a bakery, a chinese food place, a subway, a 7-11, and a pizz place. its very convenient. sadly, sushi is ALL the way across the street. lame, i know. hmmmmmm......... it would mean putting on pants though. im wearing two pairs of pajama bottoms right now. one on top of the other because it was cold this morning when i went outside to smoke weed on the porch. usually i smoke inside, but for the past three days the city has been immersed in fog, and i wanted to hotbox the city lol well thats all for now Current Mood:  blah |
| 4:08p | i can grow out of this. so today was shitty ... everything just bothered me so much. i can't stand listening to someone talk about what they did with their boyfriend/girlfriend on the weekend ... it just constantly reminds me of what i dont have. i couldn't take listening to that anymore so i decided to leave school early. so i walked that hour and a half home in the cold and had a nap. the entire walk i just kept running through everything thats been bothering me lately. how i keep ruining things. how lara doesn't even ecknowledge me anymore ... i see her and she just looks away. i hate that. she knows this thing with her and brody bothers me, but she doesn't care. she dates so many guys, but this month she goes for the one that has the most history with me ... not that i like him. he's just that one guy you dont go for because there is too much history. it just hurts, ya know. of all times to do this, why now? i'm so tired. i'm trying so hard to be happy. i'm trying so hard not to cut, its been two weeks. *sigh* i'm just so tired of being me. i want something so much better for myself. i deserve so much more then i give myself. i just dont know how to get it. happy medium, where the hell are you?! i want to be able to get up in the morning and want to get through the day, but i haven't felt like that for so long. so guys i'm going to say this now, i want to stop cutting.i'm tired of feeling guilty and caring a million scars over my body. i'm tired of trying to hide something i hate. i'm...just...tired. i'm going to make an attempt at this though. i'm going to try and pull through. i want my scars to fade so badly. i dont want those awkward questions anymore. i want to do this. its been two weeks since i last cut, i'm going to see if i can make it to a month. i've been cutting for six years, so this is going to be difficult. i think i've gotten to that point in my life, where i want to change my ways though. i've accomplished so many things over the past year i never thought i'd do. i actually got help, i'm in counselling, i went to the hospital, i talked to my parents, i got over my grampa's death, i took care of my nana, i went back into school and finished all the work i missed. i did a lot and i want to stop my bad habbits now. (except for weed. i'm sorry but i can't give that up...thats the only thing) everything else though, all the other drugs...i'm stopping. i dont want to be like this. i know i'm not going to be happy everyday....cause i'm sure as hell not happy today, but i'll get happier eventually. Current Mood:  determinedCurrent Music: So Much - The Spill Canvas |
| 7:47p | "i'm ugly like you" i can't help but get angry right now. i try and talk to my parents, open up and ask them for help. then they reply with "well, i think we should ask Carolyn(my counsellor) about that first." god! you're so fucking paranoid that i'll screw up again. i just want someone to come over to the fucking house! but because i met her at the hospital they "dont support the idea." fuck the idea. i finally find someone i can relate to that's close to me and i cant take advantage of a friendship now? thats bullshit. i'm so angry right now. my stepmom's sister and mother are coming on my grad trip now too...along with my dad and even maybe herself. i dont want a happy family fucking vacation! i just want to get away from this hell for a little bit, but apparently hell follows me where ever i go. i have this frustration/jealousy block in my chest right now. i hate it. i just want to be happy!!! how many fucking times do i have to say it before it actually happens. .... i know just saying it isn't going to make it happen, but god, i wish it would. i'm trying so hard, so hard ... breathe it in just a little bit more. maybe you will be able to forget this by tomorrow. it's something you don't want locked inside your head. you want your brain to forget, the pain that follows you everywhere. the non-existant happiness you hope to find someday. you sway, look back on the yesterdays. an empty room. you cry on a bloody floor, as the streams of tears flow down your face. you cut to erase the past. the fluorescent lights runaway with your pupils tonight. leaving only a body. you lie there another night, in the bed that's stained with blood. your tears flood onto the pillow. you close your eyes. you've had to pay with your body. you fall asleep and wake up to another day. Current Mood: cranky |
| 10:31p | they lie.. their fucking paper-cut sized cuts. they're sympathy cravers. they need the attention. so they have to fucking ruin the reputation of people who actually have this addiction.. this disease. they make us all into attention craving lunatics. they suck. they need to get over it. why can't they just ask for the attention if they need it so bad. i hope they burn in hell.... argh.. sorry. hope you all are doing well, or at least better ♥♥ |
| 11:56p | *I Hate This...This Is Such BullShit!* I hate how my family does this to me. I try and do something nice, like save an animal. And then I take it home and then I get yelled at! So then my mom say's "Oh you should go and get the animal to bring it back!" She says it like it was her idea! I mean what the hell! I mean like I have said before...I have a big heart. And I care for all of the animals. So then...I did some more cutting. I am trying so hard to stop! But this shit keeps coming up, and then my B-Day is in about...well lets see...my B-Day is November 25th. So I would think by tomorrow my B-Day is in...3 days...and then if you don't count tomorrow then it's in 2 days...but I am not as happy about it as I think I should be. So that used to be something I would look forward too...but now I dont as much. And I am not sure why...so I cutt some more about that. I have lost so much blood, I went to the hospital again today and they gave me more blood. Cause I have lost so much from cutting. So that's not good! But I tired no hard not too! Get Better EveryOne! Current Mood:  crazyCurrent Music: *Dumb & Dumberer, Wen Harry Met Loud* |
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