Saturday, November 19th, 2005

Time	Event
2:13a	my worst fear....RAR ok, i know i have problems, i have been medicated and hospitalized for years, but i stil have my worst fear engraved forever in my brain...i have a fear of getting raped, and like they ripping my panties, and me crying, and they giving me bruises on my arms (the ones kind of like the ones damion gave me) andhe hold me by my wrists and my hair looks like sex hair after wards, adnd afterwards i feel liek i have lost all control of my entire body and life, and that everythign was taken from me, adn that like i have a cut on my chak from him like forcing me, and like he calling me a whore the whole time, and like that he would i woudl find out a few days later, find out he gave me a STD. i have this vision ingraved of my worst fear, just like that in my head. its a physco girl thing, and i thin kabout it a lot. i guess it comes along wiht being a crazy person. im a crazy physco girl adn this is the thigns i have to deal with, the hjorrible thoughts i live with..... that and BARFING.. EWW lol hey i have a question, does nayone, honestly, when they come to this website, actaully get kind of encourages, like reading this stuff, make them atcaulyl want to cut? i kind of leave the website feeling liek i want to cut more than i did before sometimes? is that just me? not alwyas but sometimes... Current Mood: scared Current Music: sublime (8 Comments | Comment on this)
10:46a	goodnight sunshine, its nighttime and you're faded. these egomaniacal day trips leave me empty your presence is fading just like your voice just like your voice the stepping stones on this path are jagged your feet are shaky just like your resolve just like your resolve reflections are opinionated and weighed down with duplicity ulterior motives strangle every pretty gooseneck that peeks around the corner this room is shady just like your eyes just like your goddamn eyes stare back at me and let me sink into the void the black hole of your pupil is ignorant a gaping catacomb that echoes of wasted space and wasted time the clock strikes once, just like your fist just like your fist why can't we find the happy happy happy happy medium? happy happy that grey area that will bend and bend malleable steel that gives underneath these palms broken shards of decisiveness and deliberate action lay scattered scattered, just like your mind where is my mind? TRUTH is vacant, like forgotten motel rooms along the highway neon signs lead the way to your demise motion creates a commotion as your wasted emotions form a waterfall of reasons for me to leave. just like everyone else. i can step through this mirror for once, onto the other side bloodied up but invisible i see her the foremost reason for becoming something, it seems so much more than anything you've given me and a true magnet to the shores of somewhere forbidden. my compass doesn't work here. soooooooooooo there is this stupid christmas party at my work that i got coerced into agreeing to go to. and now, im really really really wanting to cancel, which im thinking i will. my mom, however, is freaking out at me to go. she thinks i dont leave the house enough. is it so bad that all i want to do is chill at home and smoke pot? who cares? i mean, it doesn't affect her if i have a social life or not. i dont see why i should have to go and suffer through being uncomfortable and alone just so that she can think she's a good mom or something. i mean, im 20 years old... aren't i allowed to make my own goddamn decisions regarding my attending a party or not?? argh argh argh. i haven't really been cutting much lately, just a slip up like for days ago. nothing major. it was more like it felt like.. wrong to have such scab-free legs. so i cut to see teh blood i think more than anything. yeah. these days it seems i live to smoke pot, watch america's next top model, and play guitar. lately everythign i play comes out sounding beautiful. its like meditating for me, stroking the strings. as i fingerpick and the melodies run out from the hollow inside of my guitar, my mind empties and all there is is me and the music. its nice, its a beautiful release that makes my fingers sore cuz my old callouses are still coming back. maybe i'll write an album of songs, get discovered and live happily ever after? ha. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: something retarded on the radio. (3 Comments | Comment on this)
7:24p	friend me on myspace im in a lonely mood tonight : ( http://www.myspace.com/kimberlysthesex (Comment on this)
8:58p	new hi, i'm new. i'm 14. i've been cutting for about a year. i know not long. i don't want to stop. i stopped for like half a month though && that's the longest i've ever not done it. i do it because of psycological reasons && some reason that i've never told anybody and i'm going to keep it that way anyway, to be the babbling idiot i am i'll leave it with i had one of the funnest nights of my life tonight && now i'm in such a bad mood and i don't know why. so i'll probably end up cutting. i think it might be because one of the guys i was hanging out with is a guy i like && he has a girlfriend. it totally kills me. i don't know.. i don't care. by the way, i've been reading this community forever and i finally decided to join and i love it. also, i want to be a threapist when i get older so if anyone needs any advice i can try && help. my myspace it http://www.myspace.com/awakening_ add me &/or message me thanks for listening [reading] to my babbling. (Comment on this)

<< Previous Day

2005/11/19 [Calendar]

Next Day >>