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Friday, November 18th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 1:08a | *Thats it! I can take no more of this shit!* Well I had things going pretty well in my favor, for some short amount of time. But it was good for a small time frame. I had things all worked out for this weekend...well today. David, Jesus, my self and my best friend Natalie were all going to hang out. I mean we had everything planed out till the second of where we were gonna be, and what we were gonna do...and so forth. Well Natalie was having problems with trying to convince her mom, to let her come and hang out with me. Her mom hates me for some reason, and thinks I am better off dead then with her daughter Natalie. Well w/e, so then Natalie calls me and say's I dont think we should do this, she is not buying it. But NO! I say, no really man it's ok. Just tell her thats what your doing...so she keeps working on her mom....AND THEN...at about...ooo....12:53AM she calls me and says...Were going to cancel the whole thing. Have fun with David and Jesus, I am not going. I can't take this shit anymore! I didnt even ask why, I said ok...said she would call me wen she gets her phone back. And that was that...see? What did I tell you? I fuck everything up for everyone! And now I really do think I have lost my best friend of 5 years...thanks to be being so pushy of her! So thanks Cass...thanks to me! Cause look at what I have done...I hate myself for doing this to you Natalie. If you want to find another best friend I totally understand...you deserve better then what I can give you... Current Mood:  numbCurrent Music: *T.V* |
| 9:47a | sorry i haven't posted for ages. i've been in hospital. ok, thursday night last week i went to A+E to get someone to look at the cut, they dressed it and said it was too old to stitch because it was over 24 hours old and there could be a risk of trapping infection in it. so i went home with it dressed. on friday i went to see someone from where i have therapy, but not my usual therapist. she said if i felt unsafe during the weekend, like i was going to cut, then she would phone the hospital and ask them to admit me if i needed it. saturday evening i decided to go. i was scared. i was in there for 5 days and 5 nights. i got used to being there and i actually preffered being there to home... i actually didn't want to go home... all the nurses were really nice to me and talked to me about it but one of them searched through my stuff to make sure i didn't have anything sharp and said i wasn't allowed to have drinks in cans or have knives to use for my tea... in the end i ended up going into theatre and getting stitches. i don't know how many i have, i haven't seen it yet because it's all bandaged up. then when i came home yesterday everything just got a whole lot worse... my parents had been all through my room and taken absolutely EVERYTHING sharp. they even took down all my posters cos of the push pins and replaced it with blu-tac. my scalpels are GONE and i need them. i started punching, biting and kicking my parents, shouting at them and making suicide threats...,i ran away from the house not knowing where the hell i was gonna go but my brother (who is very athletic) ran after me and caught me when i'd got to the main road. then my dad followed behind. they were talking to me on the roadside for a bit. i actually was really close to jumping infront of a car. i can't take it. i need something to cut with. scalpels. i really need them right now. so yeah, that's why i've not been posting. there is a lot more to the story, if theres anything important i'll add it. thanks for reading this, i'm sorry it's so long but i've tried to break it up a bit. Current Mood: suicidal Current Music: papa roach - last resort |
| 12:09p | how is it that i fix one friendship and manage to fuck up another?? its not fair... not to me.... she doesnt know how bad i felt... how bad i feel now...and how much i wanted to cut...and the fact that i thought about them more than anything... god damn i wish i could do something right... wats wrong with me... no one deserves me as a friend... i mean she even walked out of the video store without saying goodbye.... does she know how much that hurt... she barely talked to me.... fuck!!!! why.... cant....i..... do.... something..... right....... fuck this.... im not going anywhere, not gonna talk to friends or anything... becoz i dont want to fuck up something else and make someone else angry at me... Current Mood: angry, sad & lost Current Music: because of you - kelly clarkson |
| 12:09p | Hey everyone. What's going on? I'm in art class right now. I don't have time for a real update but I just want you all to know that I haven't been updating because my computer has a virus and I can't get on anymore. So I don't know when I will be able to join you all again. Hopefully soon. Anyways I haven't been cutting, I'm getting better now and controlling myself and trying to stop. Well got to go. The bell will ring soon. ttyl love yaz !! ♥ megan |
| 10:13p | I just joined this community a few days ago, just thought I would make my presence known. I’ve been an off-and-on cutter since my sophomore year of high school. (So for about 2 years) I’ve recently started up again. My parents had found out about it not too long after I started the first time, And I got an earful from them then, since then I have kept any and all cutting from them. And only one person knows that i carry my box-cutter from work in my pocket, and he and I haven't talked for a few days, now. In efforts to conceal my habit I have cut in several different places, I started at my wrists, got caught, moved to my upper arms, where I was cutting up until recently, when I was talking with a friend and let it all spill out. He freaked out, made me show them to him, and basically said he wanted to “save” me, which is a joke and a load of shit. Then I slipped up and told one of my sisters. So she bitched me out, as well. Told me I have no reason to be cutting, that I need to get some help, blahblahblah. I cut her off half-sermon (we were on the phone) just hung up on her. She’s actually coming home tomorrow to visit, she’ll be here for about a week, and I’m sure she’ll confront me (I’m actually kind of terrified….), which is why I have moved my cutting to my thighs, nobody suspects, nobody will check. And I have a mess there, now. I’ve never been, what I consider to be, a very good cutter. I’ve never gone very deep, and my cuts aren't ever particularly long…. But I made some improvement. I think partly because I wanted to show myself that I didn’t give a fuck what anyone else said, I gave myself a really long, not super-deep, but deep for me, cut. Anyway, I enjoy (?) reading about other peoples episodes. (I’m so in love with cutting, and this is the perfect trigger.) But anyway, just thought I would introduce myself. (I’m Beth, by the way…) And that’s about it…. --Beth Current Mood:  anxiousCurrent Music: somone else's arms -->mae |
| 10:51p | i havent cut for two months..i need to cut right now..im about to seriously lose it..i just crave it and need it..i need to cut deep and keep doin it till i cant anymore..i need pain!!!!! URG i NEED it badly but ive gone TWO WHOLE MONTHS!!! help! |
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