Thursday, November 17th, 2005

Time	Event
8:46a	he's gone! well things are getting a little better now. i found out i'm not "you know". well my b/f wouldn't talk to me. he was acting like a 2 year old. i kept trying to talk to him during group but he wouldn't listen to me. i tol him i'm not and then he said" oh well then i'm sorry i wasn't talking to u" and i told him to f**k off and to go f**k himself backwards in a bathroom mirrror. then the bastard hit me. dude common sense says dont hit someone who is in a psycho class. well i hit back and we got into a fist fight and now my side is all bruised up. it hurts when i breath. well we were both temporarly kicked out of group for it. i tried to commit suicide last night. i bled alot but not enough. shhh that never happened he he. even though he's out of my life it doesn't change anything i still want to die. well g2g Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
11:56a	wanna cut i havent cut in a while. i can if i wanted to cuz i gotta kitten nd she scraches a lot. nd summers over. so the question is should i cut? i know the answer i shoulnt,but its so tempting. Current Mood: creative Current Music: fall out boy (Comment on this)
4:01p	wow. it's so cold outside. and in my house. but that's besides the point. I haven't cut since ... last Monday? I think. and I've been having a pretty good week. but I have this burning urge to cut. it's buildnig up within me and I don't know how long I can keep it undercontrol. I would love to keep the record longer than one week. but it's so hard. the littlest things tempt me: shaving my legs;; cutting things out with scissors;; seeing scabs ((other people's and mine));; seeing scars ((other people's and mine)). I feel so ... bad? and my friend ((whom hadn't cut forever, whom I confided in for basiucally everything, whom took my pocket knife from me)) cut. and it makes me feel longing to join. maybe I'm tired of trying to keep everything right. just one little cut. buy we all know that 1 turns to two and 2 turns to four and 4 turns to fourteen. and I don't want to get carried away. besides. it's just an urge. how many other urges have I had for other things? a lot. maybe I'm just overreacting. =/ Current Mood: calm Current Music: Halifax (Comment on this)
5:57p	i could be more. a heartache in my body leads me to think i'm not quite as smart as i thought i was. i told myself i would never give in again. i told myself i deserved better then this. these days, i trace over my flesh with a sharp piece of metal. i cradal it in my hands like it's the only feeling i deserve. why can't i feel this anymore? i have put myself through such a manic phaze. a mellow dramatic life, caused by all the things i had to let go. i dont have this anymore. i've chained my non-existant happiness to the corners of my mind. i can't seem to find the way i came out. i float through the days in my doubt. one day i know i'll get through this, but today doesn't feel like the day. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: The Spill Canvas - "So Much" (Comment on this)

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