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Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 12:41a | So gone... If If her tears could make a sound... Would you hear? If her breaking heart could cry out of help... Would you try? If her tattered soul was in front of you begging.... Would you care? She was there for you Doing her best to be normal Could she help it she was sick? Promises of love and devotion All lost when someone better came along Was she so vile that you couldn't even tell her it was over? At first there was only shock How could you? Act like she'd seen it coming Like she wanted it too She'd only wanted to be love For herself Tears came later Along with anger and hurt Are you happy now? She was only broken before But now shes destroyed She'll never be the same This night was her breaking point Pills slowing her system Razors freeing the blood from her wrists A noose to make it alright She covered all her bases So no one could bring her back like before Now shes gone Her pain and confusion no longer mattering Her mark of existence soon will diminish Fade with time No one will remember How she'd struggled to be everything and nothing at the same time If she'd called before she'd disappeared... Would you have answered? If she'd told you how you broke her heart... Would you have even blinked? If she'd been normal... Would you have gone for someone new...? I don't want to be here...Theres nothing left for me...If I knew no one would find me in time I'd swallow every pill I have (i've got at least 7 different full bottles of meds) and just close my eyes waiting for the end...Should I? I think I should. I'll never be good enough. Not for my father...mother....friends...and not for a bf...I'll always end up alone...There really isn't any hope and there really isn't any use for me to stand in the shadows waiting for something better to come along. I'm not a child anymore...But I'm too unstable to be an adult...So where does that leave me? It leaves me alone in my own little hell of fears..pains...confusions...and abuses...theres really no other way out...I wish I knew what to do...I was listening to Evanescance's "My immortal"...and I just started crying...I'm such a failure in everything I do...So I don't try anymore...and that only makes people mad at me...How can I explain I'll always mess everything up? That as long as I'm involved in it, it'll never get anywhere? How can I explain...that this will always be me and no matter how hard I try I'll never be able to outrun myself? I dread the moments where I have to look into the mirror...Who is that person in there? How did she get to be so pathetic and stupid? How could she think someone would love her with everything thats wrong with her? Everywhere I turn it seems like everyone has someone...Someone who loves them...despite their faults...who'll never leave them...who'll always come back to them after a fight...I've done so many things wrong...Made so many horrible mistakes...Been soo stupid as to trust males...I'm soo screwed up...And theres no changing that. This is the only life I've ever known...Whose to say theres a better one out there? Maybe someone like me isn't allowed to get better and have a normal life...I just wish for the silence of the grave...The cool earth surrounding me...Keeping me from everything....I know Myka's reading this...Even though hes not with me he still feels the need to read what he hated the most about me...I know hes mad that I'm hurting and expressing it on my journal...He doesn't like it that one day he was almost like a god (not his exact words mind you) and the next hes the worst thing on the earth...Did you expect me to smile when I found out I was being traded for something better? Was I supposed to be happy that you'd gotten tired of how sick I am? Was I supposed to just find that switch called "love" and turn it off just as easily as you did? I'm not attacking you...I'd never do that..I'm just trying to make you understand that there was another person involved in this besides you...someone who might be messed up in the head but still has feelings...and those feelings can't be willed away with a flick of some mental switch...But you made me love so much that I couldn't see myself with anyone else...and you made me think you felt the same...but you didn't did you? Cause you are with someone else... No...I don't hate you...I'll never hate you...I might say thing out of hurt or anger but I never mean them...I hope she makes you happy...Yes I love you that much that as long as you happy its okay...even if it is with someone else...I asked you flat out if she was better than me...and you said Well shes more positive...I told you all you had to say was yes...and you didn't deny it...you only sighed...At one point I thought no one was better than anyone else...I think I was wrong...Cause appearently shes better than me...Shes a church going happy white girl...a complete 180 from me...Maybe shes happy because she hasn't had bad things in her life...Or maybe she has and she's just a stronger person than me and can get over it...I really don't know...But does it matter really? Cause when it comes down to it...shes happy and normal and I'm not... god made such a mistake when he allowed me to be born... and I made such a mistake when I told someone I'd ODed...if I hadn't I'd have died and been at peace... *disappears* Current Mood:  listlessCurrent Music: |
| 7:22a | ¿ I pensamiento que amor estaba para siempre ? Current Mood:  lonely |
| 7:32a | ¿ I pensamiento que amor estaba para siempre ? Current Mood: lonely |
| 4:37p | waiting im waitin to move out of my house i cant handle it ne more just cuz my mom always bitches about me not cleaning and not gettn stuff done.. well i work till 12 every night alomost and the days i have off i have to catch up on homework and sleep ... so yea.. and she just constantly bitches about it ... she bitches about what time i got to sleep she yells at me about my grade.. when i only have on d and i am working on it ... she tells me i am a big baby who needs to get over my problems ... especially when i try to talk to her about it... she tells me go ahead and kill myself because she doesnt care if i die or now... so yea.... shes just a bitch and she hides it in front of all my friends and all her little bitch ass friends and he little boyfriend whom i also hate ... i use to be ok with him then he became an ass hole/... he slamed my face into the wall and it was all on from there... hes being ok now but i just hate him so much now.. theres no going back i cant leave though ... i need to stay and get my license which kinda pisses me off too ... b/c my mom made me take drivers ed when i was 16 then tell me i cant get my permit cuz she doesnt want me on her insurance.. she doesnt believe that she doesnt have to pay for me on her insurance and doesnt believe me that you dont have to pay but now the law says that you have to wait 3 months after you turn 17.... like you cant get your license till 3 months after the test.. so yea ... now she sayd i have to wait till im 18 i said fuck her.. im getn meg to bring me on my 17 birthday theres just soo much bullshit in my house and it just pisses me off ... so yea im leaving as soon as i can cuz this is fuckin stupid well yea ne comments go ahead... help me blow off some steam about this shit.... ~Crystal~ |
| 9:16p | *I want to die too, so I can be with my Nanna and Nonna* Today at 9:00PM, my other Grandma Nonna died. She too was in surgry, which was for a blood clot in her leg. I am so sad right now, we went and saw her before she went into surgry, and she wispered in my ear..."Bosha, I am going to let go. I have done everything I could have possably, I love you and the family all very much. I will be watching over you all." I was crying and screaming as they took her away from me, and into surgry! And I was yelling at the doctors "Dont take my Nonna away for me! She's going to die in there!" But of corse they would not her any of it. I mean how much more can I take? Thats two (Grandmas) in like...two weeks. I can't take this anymore, I wish I could just die so I could be with them again. And I hate god for taking my Nanna and Nonna away from me! My Nanna was 93, and my Nonna was 103. Some would say they have lived long and healthy lives. But I didnt want them to go, and now I have nothing left to live for here. They were the only things keeping me alive, and now...I have nothing. And no one to save me. I miss them so much, and I just want to die, I really do. Fuckin christ, just take me now so I can see my Nanna and Nonna again! I am so cold, and I know it's cause I am beating myself up about their deaths. I am going to "Try" and see my Nanna and Nonna again...Bosha is comming Nanna and Nonna! I want to be with you both again... Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: *Silence, and the sound of my own crying* |
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