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Monday, November 14th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 12:33a | *O...M...G...*Twitch, Twitch* So today was a sad day. My Granmie died while she was in surgery. She was 93, and sure she would have been better off dead. I mean she was telling me over and over..."Let me die Bosha (Thats what she calls me. Were part indin. Bosha means loved GrandDaughter) and she would say that every time I would go and see her. She would asked me all the time "Why I am I still here Bosha?" I would say over and over Grammie I dont know, I dont know. And then one day she got really sick, and I had a dream she was trying to die...oh god it was so sad and confussing. I am so lost right now. I dont know what to think or do. My family was mad at me cause I didnt cry at Grammie's death bed. I mean she was telling me to let her die, I was so confused and didnt know what to do. I am like that right now...so after the death thing was over (Which is where I just came from) I cutt Bosha into my foot and arm. My family has yet to see it, tho I know they will sonner or later. But I am so depressed right now, and there is no one to talk with. or anything for me to do. I am at a loss here....hope you all are doing better! Current Mood:  crushedCurrent Music: *SlipKnot-People = Shit* |
| 2:50a | I don't want to be here...*Rocks back in forth in her little corner* I just don't want to be here...oh god... Current Mood:  blankCurrent Music: |
| 8:55a | i HATE myself i fucked up big time and i can't fix it. :( all i could think about all weekend was how many different ways i can die. i'm still here though sadly *tear, sniffle sniffle!* i don't want to upset my friends such as mizegan but i tried to kill myself last night. i'm still here. i bled alot. i know why i'm still here though. bcuz i chickened out at the end. i'm such an ass. i found out that my dad's been cheating on my mom. that was a plus to how much i don't want to be here. it didn't help at all. i fucked up even worse though. megan if you're reading this don't kill me pleeze!!!!!!! well in september i was with my b/f from goup, Zane, and we were together for a wahil. we've been dating on and off since i started group a while ago. well anyway idid something i shouldn't hae done and now i might be "u know" and i haven't said anything to my parents bcuz they'll kick me out if i am. they said they would never tolerate it if my or my sister ever came home like that. i don't know wut to do so i resorted to suicide bcuz i figured it's a decent way out but i don't really want to die. i don't know for sure if i am or not yet. i'm just hoping that it's late and i'm not but it's not looking hopfull. i hate myself.i'm so fucking stupid. i want to die but i don't at the same time. i need help but i don't think it could work. i've messed everything up! i fucked up my whole life. my mom's considering divorcing my dad and i don't want that but all they do is fight anymore and with him cheating on her it's probably better but i don't want that. i might be "u know" and now that creapy guy that used to be at the bus stop started to show up again. just when i thought i got rid of him ya know. my life is falling apart again. somedays i hope i can get the courage to go through with suicide and stop chickening out but i don't think i can. i only want to be here bczu of my friends like mizegan and everyone here on blurty and my family but if i lose that then i'm gone. megan if ur reading this pleeze dont tell anyone about this. i don't need this getting out around skool and i don't want my parents knowing okay. i tried to tell me b/f about what might be going on and he won't talk to me now. i hate myself. i'm so pathetic. Current Mood: depressed |
| 1:28p | we never lost control im not really sure what to write, but i feel like i should write something. i haven't cut in quite some time. i have no cuts on me right now, only scars. its weird. whenever this happens, i always end up cutting again. but lately its like i don't even feel the urge. im depressed as ever... maybe my apathy has overtaken me so completely that i'm too listless even to cut. *sigh* maybe i just don't get enough privacy to enjoy it the same way. take time with a wounded hand, cuz it likes to heal listening to nirvana and talking to dani, being high and home alone in comfy clothes.... the sun is shining and today im happy to be alive. not every day is like this. im glad.. ive needed a break from the dull monotony of extreme sadness. im still depressed. one of my best friend's got a girlfriend, which means that we shall see if he truly is my friend or not, or if he just was around in hopes of getting some. and also, one of other friends broke up with his girlfriend of four and a half years and is in a new romance with some girl. fuck all of em. grr. maybe i should start saving up to run away to the eastcoast. stranger things have happened. change is imminent. the impossible may not be so impossible after all. hmmmmmmmmmmm Current Mood:  highCurrent Music: nirvana - the man who sold the world |
| 5:07p | i'm gonna get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out all day long "don't smoke pot while you're drinking and driving." my dad actually said this to me and he was being completely serious. he's such a fucking fool. gaahhh and i wonder why i'm fucked up. Current Music: james brown - sex machine |
| 5:44p | Okay. On Friday I drove with my friend Josh to a CVS parking lot. Then Mike and Allison came in Mikes car. I had already had a bit to drink but I kept drinking...and drinking...and drinking. Thats where my memory leaves me. But I know from them telling me that I started throwing up and I couldnt stop. I fell onto the pavement and they got me into the back seat. Josh hit my face to keep me awake so I wouldnt choke or pass out or anything. They drove me to my house. Josh went and got my dad (by now I was unconcious <- SP?) and my dad drove Joshes car to the ER. I was unconcious for another 4 hours. I woke up at 2 in the morning in the hospital. My mum and dad were there. My dad had told Josh and Mike to go home like 3 hours before that. Because of all the meds I take it basically doubles the amount of alcohol I had. I drank straight from the bottle about 1/3 bottle of Bourbon. I had twice the legal limit for drinking in my system (for adults). Four times the limit is fatal...and my meds could have made it that way. They ran drug tests and took my blood (while I was like...unconcious). The IV tubes left bruises and marks. So did the needles that they took blood with. It looks like I have track marks on both my arms. I have bruisies everywhere; my face, arms, legs, hips, and back...theyre everywhere. Now my parents know so much. Ive been drinking and doing drugs since I was 13 (Im 15 now) and Ive never gotten caught. But now they know... So theres my story about getting alcohol poisoning and almost slipping into coma. It sucked. I feel like shit and I have so much homework and work and tests and family/friends shit. I want to get out of here. Also, many people have been talking about losing grandfathers or grandmothers, I hope you feel better. A bit ago my two aunts, one uncle, my grandma and my grampy were in an accident. The accident was at midnight right before my birthday. So we had to fly to florida on my birthday and everyone was crying. My dad was supposed to be in the car. My uncle and my grampy were both killed. My two aunts were in the hospital for a while. My grandma was only in the hospital for a little bit. My family is completely torn and destroyed because of this accident. We arent close with one of my aunts and either of my two cousins. My family wasnt large to begin with and now it is basically gone. For about a year (almost exactly a year) I didnt cry or even talk about it. I went through the motions (visiting the hospital, funerals, wakes...etc) but I never really talked about it. My brain didnt let me think about it so I didnt get sad. But one night at camp we were driving home at like 10 pm on the bus back to camp. I was sitting with Blake and I had left my cell at the pizza place. I called my mum from Blakes cell and after I hung up, I started crying. It was really strange but thats the only time Ive ever really cried or even really thought about it. It seems really cold hearted...but I have PTSD and all other sorts of things that contribute to why Im like this. Im usually emotional, I think I cried all my tears out when I was in 7th and 8th grade (Im in 10th now). I feel so fucking lost. I dont know what to do about anything. I dont have enough time to live my life. I dont even want to cut. Im so gone. <3 Liv Current Mood: numb |
| 7:17p | we're so close. so today was pretty good. Lara's dating this guy that has a lot of history with me and it's painful to watch them hold hands and kiss. i hate it because it just reminds me that i don't have that ... but *sigh* one day... other then that it was amazing ;) ... i'm bored out of my freaking mind though. later i'm going to Erin's hockey game with Pat. He scares the shit out of me when i drive with him though. he does like 140 in a 60 zone. i don't leave until 8:30 though...so i have some time to kill. i haven't cut since thursday...i haven't really had the urge to cut myself...well last night i wanted to really badly, but i was too lazy to stand up and pull it out of the picture frame its hiding behind. so i sat in bed crying...what a fucking sad sight. i hate when i break down like that and i just lie there in bed looming through my window. i'm embarrassed and no one can even see me. i went shopping on the weekend and got a black tank top and a white t-shirt from boathouse.....i love that friggen store. i payed for it with my non-existant money ... but it looks good! i'll regret it later ... it's starting to get cold out, which just reminds me that it's almost christmas ... i'm too poor to afford that holiday. .... "here you go. i give you my love." ... it could work. rugby season is coming though, so that's good. i'm so out of shape. i should probably start running again soon. the thought of just tackling a 6'5 hairy girl makes me cringe. i've been playing for four years, i should be used to that by now. gah, i'm so bored. Can you hear me now? I look through these refractions of light to see only what really is. a long and clouded day. another day i don't pray. i walk to get away from my thoughts. hoping i can walk fast enough for them to get left behind. i somehow always leave a trail of them in my footsteps. i try to pretend i'm so much better then what i am. i'm a hopeless romantic. a manic depressive. i'm my parents fuck-up, because i always give in to myself. i tear myself apart more on the inside then you can tell. i've become frail and delusional. i'm amune to these thoughts. they seem to haunt my mind. making me resort to something i hate. the only part of me that isn't fake. Current Mood:  cheerfulCurrent Music: Self Conclusion - The Spill Canvas |
| 7:29p | Okey so saturday was a pretty good day...He called me! for the first time in my life... he called me cause he wanted to know if I was doing something :) and then he and 2 of his friends came over to my friends house and we chilled with the 6 of us for like a really long time and it was all nice! Only problem is is that he is shy so I'll nvr be able to find out if he likes me...and Im really not gud with guys and always afraid they will reject me so I never make the first move...So I'm hoping for a miracle...that he will come up to me and give me a little sign...just a lil one so I know that he likes me...Just so that I will not be afraid anymore to show him I like him...but yeah... Today was pretty shit. A day like every day. Just normally went to school, came home and started doing hmw...*sight* its so much work! I hardly even have time for myself anymore :-s...but yeah wtvr...thats how school works rite? So I cut again since a long time...And I know I shouldn't have done it. And I didnt even have a reason...I mean I was doing fine, I just didnt feel anything...Like numb..and I still do...I mean, I guess its better than feeling down but I just wish I could feel happy... Oke that was my nonesence entry for today <3 iensjj Current Mood: okay |
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