Sunday, November 13th, 2005

Time	Event
5:59p	hey guys haven't said shit in a longtime so i iwll now i hate life kay bye (Comment on this)
8:52p	do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? FUCK! i want to be happy! i've been crying almost all afternoon. i'm supposed to be going to mexico for my grad trip, in march. so my friend carolyn's mom phoned my mom today to talk about the details and such. when my mom gets off the phone with her she was like, "Dani can i talk to you for a second?" so i go into the kitchen and sit on the counter and she says that carolyn's mom told her io wasn't aloud to come if i didn't have someone with me (ie, parent, sister, brother...) so i was like, well is this for everyone or just me? "just you." *gasp* great....so my mom says, "they just dont want the responsibility for you if something happens. they know your history Dani. they're scared you might do something harmful to yourself." i cried like a fucking baby in the bathroom. i've been in this dazed emotion ever since. i sat looking at my reflection in the mirror for an hour straight. how can i go through all of this and think that everything would just go back to the way it was. obviously something wasn't right before all of this happened, which caused me to do the things i did to myself. so it has to change now or i'll just resort back to all of those bad things again. but see, the problem is things are changing....but its making me worse. it physically hurts to look at myself. i see myself in the mirror, i see all my scars....i just want to claw them off. i want to be non-existant. i want to run away. i want to be "okay." i want everything but what i have. i want, i want, i fucking want. it mentally hurts me to know that some stranger thinks i can't handle being alive....its alright if i think that, but when someone i hardly know is throwing up all of these precautions, it hurts. i have been so excited for this trip, now i dont even know if i can go...if they want me to go....if they can handle me going. i feel like i've caused so many ordeals. why wasn't i more careful? Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Incubus - Just a Phase (Comment on this)
9:02p	fingernails down a chalkboard clear the way, here i come. i'm not that "normal" person. be aware, i've come undone. from the beginning to now i contemplated on how i would get through. if i even could. my jaded persona is eye catching, but it might latch onto you. It burries deep down inside. you won't ever find someone to confide in. the feelings seem like they will never subside. i cried tonight, because i might not get through this. i might throw away the key. i've already locked myself in this room without doors. i dont think i can ever be free. the tears poor from my eyes and trail their way to the bottom of my chin. i wish i could get to the only person i would let in. so it begins .... again. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
9:22p	alone... Thats it...No one cares...I know that now...If I died tomorrow people would just shrug saying they expect it from such an unstable person...None of this will ever end...I'm either like this...or fine waiting for this to come again...Myka was the only thing keeping me alive...and now...we show just how well that went...Now what do I have to live for? The empty promise of tomorrow? Or the foundationless words "Everything will be okay"....I don't want to be here anymore...I don't care about wanting to be happy anymore...I've finally figured out I'm just someone who isn't allowed to be happy...I somehow deserve every bad thing thats happened and happening to me...I'm not worth anything...I'm just falling down this endless hole of nothingless...hitting the walls as I go...breaking down more and more of whats left of my spirit... What does it matter? I just want to slit my throat and get it over with... Current Mood: sad Current Music: Evanescence-Everybody's Foul (2 Comments | Comment on this)
10:06p	I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian. I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman. I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights. We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time. I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room. I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me. I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again. I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear. We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men. I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me. I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male. I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men. I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that. I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual. (yes, this actually happened: read more) I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me. I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind. I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love. Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong. (7 Comments | Comment on this)

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