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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 3:47p | "i'm afraid of changing" i cry for all the wrong things...i sit here in my room doing nothing but writing for hours. the pain in my foot is seeping through my whole body, it hurts so much. i went to the walk-in clinic today with erin so i could get it stitched up, but the doctor said it's had too much time to heal itself so i'm just going to have a bad scar. she asked me how i did it, so i said i fell and bashed my foot on a rock.....then she asked me again with this look in her eyes like she knew what i had really done, and asked if i had a tetness shot.....lol nope. so she starts cleaning it ans she fully just rubbed a cotton swob of alcohol on it...just rubbing and rubbing. i sat there screaming...well not actually screaming, more of just the mouth movement of a scream. it stings so much now. it probably hurts more that i'm thinking about it. i'm trying not to, i'm singing to the smashing pumkins trying to think of anything else...but it is what it is. it is what it is, because we don't know the proper way to live. we give in at the weakest point. we spend our time erasing our memories with this joint. flowing into our bodies like a waterfall of smoke. sinking into our flesh. it's the beginning of what we cover ourselves with. a mask of mesh. we thought it would get better. maybe one more day, one more letter. we pray for everything to be okay, for us to get somewhere better then where we are today. each layer rolled around this splif is one more day we erase. it lifts us out of who we are. taking us to that better place. we peal off the paper, unraveling what holds together. a harmony of feelings. it's almost as good as bleeding. we match up what we think is real. we can't tell anymore what's fact or fiction. Current Mood:  calmCurrent Music: smashing pumpkins - landslide |
| 4:05p | Drama, Drama, Drama. I'm sure none of you want to hear my stupid freshman drama. but I have to get this out: God. Hillary. she fucking has the nerve to talk shit about me infront of my friends. and then, who tell me. and get me even more pissed about her. and her fucking first grade ways. all of this shit is over a fucking boy, but he's a boy that I like. and apparently, she likes. but whatever. cuz you know what. I think he's over her. he's the one who dumped her. and so why am I in this?? because Hillary has too much fucking free time. AND!! she decides to open her mouth, along with someone else ... I think it was Ariel and some other bitch. but I guess they were all "God. Lena and Brandi cause sooo much drama." FUCK NO! are you kidding me?! Lena and me?! wow. make me laugh just a little harder please. Lena and I staay away from drama. we've had some bad experiences with it. oh. and i just realized. all the drama Lena and I have been through has been caused by either Hillary or Baylee. oh my! I think I know who's causing all the drama! IT'S FUCKING HILLARY AND BAYLEE. well no shit sherlock.they are probably the people who first made me want to cut. and now look what they're doing. and the fact that I let them make me want to cut, makes me want to cut even more! and it's just one fucking vicious cycle that won't end unless someone(or two people) get kicked outa the loop. my vote is for Hillary and Baylee. and I'm sure Lena would agree with my vote. and so wow. I just keep going on about this. but I shouldn't let it get to me. but for some reason it is. and I dont want it to. I dont want to cut myself over this stupid drama. but I feel so helpless, so alone, so ... well. like no one. and I feel bad because my friend Rachel, who is also friends with Hillary, is like "torn" between me and Hillary. and I dont want her to pick sides. and I dont think it's right to make her. so I'll drop out. it doesnt matter. as much as I love Rachel, it hurts me to see her have to choose. if it's not me bitching at her about Hillary, it's Hillary bitching at her about me. it's not right. I just want to cut so bad. and I want it to bleed so bad. and I hate myself for wanting this. I just want to do something so bad. and this is it. Current Mood:  aggravated |
| 4:25p | i know i'm a mess he don't wanna clean up hmmm anyone want to run away with me? i'm completely serious. i have to leave this place. i just don't think i can do it by myself. my new years resolution is going to be simple. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. |
| 7:13p | i'm stuck in this automatic manic feeling. i hate what i do to myself. i hate how stuck i always feel. i'm like a fucking doormat that people walk all over. why can't i feel as good as i act?! why can't i ever have both of what i need. i want, i want, i want. maybe i'm selfish over the way i want to feel, but i am not selfish for the wrong things. at least i think this is something "right" to want. i deserve those feelings. i deserve to be happy. we all do. why can't we fucking feel it!? is this what drives me to cut myself up? i don't know why i do what i do. i honestly dont. there are just so many things that drive me to it. i wish i could stop, but i'm addicted to the pain. to the blood. Current Mood:  crazy |
| 8:34p | so today i had a 3 hour japanese exam... reading, writing and listening... i wasnt stressed... well not really... but now i feel so crappy... i never can do well at the things that i like... i lose things somewhere in the middle and i cant seem to pick them up again... and im worryin bout friends at the moment... im worrying about everything... i cant stand this life anymore... i mean look at my MSN name... "i feel lost and alone... theres things about me that are unknown... what to do... shall i cry...sumtimes its prolly easier 2 die"... maybe its true... i dont feel like im worth half the person people tell me i am... im jealous of people and things i cant do or have... i feel like i push ppl about things... sometimes its becoz i enjoy it so much i want more... but i hate feeling like that... i feel guilty... im kinda angry with myself at the moment... i dont know why... but the only place i want to cut/ like to cut is my wrists and my arms... i particularly go for my left arm... and now i have trouble cutting my left wrist becoz i have cut there so many times that the skin has gone all rough and its harder to cut thru... and its annoying me... and thats all i want to do now... i have no particular thing to live for except for my best friend lauren... sometimes steph too but its my job to keep lauren safe... she means too much to me... i dunno if she knows that or not... she has saved me and i want to save her but i feel useless... i cant seem to get things right... fuck!!! maybe i should go... maybe this is a goodbye letter... i think i just want to be alone... me and my blade and a few drinks... so goodbye to all... please keep safe... be the person you were born to be... and if people hav a problem with that then they can get screwed... u are who u are and no one can change that... so be safe and look after yourselves... im sorry... i just cant take it anymore... Current Mood:  sadCurrent Music: before i forget - slipknot |
| 9:18p | Yes...I HATE life...I woke up to my mum SITTING on my damn head trying to get to my AC...!? It was 5 In the bloody morning! So I told her to get off me before I made it so she'd never see daylight again! She called me a lazy selfish brat and left...I seriously thought someone was trying to smother me when I woke up...I was like *Screams* hehehe. Grr anyhow...I was watching Charmed after mum went off to work...and someone suddenly knocks on our front door (we live in a LOCKED building)...I figure it mum shitting around with me or she forgot something and she'll use her key right? Well I stay silent for a minute or two and then I hear scratching noises!? WTF! Someones trying to get in...if they were drunk and thought it was their door then they'd have used their key...but it sounded like someone was trying to pick the lock...okay so I'm completely freaked out...I can hear my heart trying to beat right out of my chest... so I slowly walk to the front door and peer out the peep hole...Whoever had been there had left....so I called mum right away and she called the police...they came and couldn't really do anything..so I was standing there after the cop had left just staring at the door...and I thougtht "Omg what if they come back?" So I put the chain on the door too just in case they did pick the lock this time...GRRRRR. There was this other time when I lived in Worcester...it was like 3 am..and mum was at work...and this dude was at my door? (we lived in a LOCKED building then too...he'd broken the door in to get to my apartment? *Squeaks*) hes knocking...banging...(obviously drunk..) asking me if I'll come out and play? *blinks* I called mum right away and she called the police...They came like seconds later and grabbed him...I finally came out and sat on the stairs and watched them talk to him...he lied and said he thought it was his apartment...? Turns out he was a sexual perp...convicted...*blinks* I just starred as they handcuffed him and took him away...*shudders* WTF man! Honestly its like these people KNOW when I'm alone....Just ONCE I'd like for a friend or parent to be with me so I'm not so damn scared! *sighs*I finally ordered my laptop...I should be coming either this week or next...Can't wait... I still want to just curl up and die...but I don't see that happening anytime soon...Sadly... Current Mood: irritatedCurrent Music: |
| 9:25p | i havent cut since my incident where i needed stitches. of course i didnt get stitches because that would mean telling my parents which i will NOT do. but anyways, the scar is starting to itch and kind of hurts still. it also looks like it reopened under the skin and is like bleeding under the skin. theres nothing i can really do now though. i dont know that i'll ever be able to wear a tshirt without it looking like a fresh cut. from far away it just looks like its bleeding because its so red. does anyone know anything that fades scars really well? i need something! at least i havent cut since then though. im not sure if i will ever again. im way too scared now because one swipe on my wrist and it was the worst cut ever. i get kind of weak just thinking about how it looked and all of the blood and what not. hmm so i guess its been about a month since i've cut. wow, im doing damn good! Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: yellowcard - way away |
| 10:27p | I Stand in front of you and you look at me Never ment to hurt you is what you make me believe Under your troat my knife hold its grip Motherfucker i will pay you for all the things you did the tears ive cried and the cuts ive made what's the fucking point of this game you played? I'm screaming now in your fucking ear so you can hear me now, seems like youve denied me I will make you fear Be scared of what i am, You dont even know me Fucking asshole, filthy fucking pig I hate you and you make me fucking sick Your fucking face makes me trow up And your voice makes me wanne cry Your stupid dumbess fuck And oh yeah one thing before you ask your self why You went into my brain, got stuck up there Like a mystery, your hauting me And you dont even care I asked your help and you said no I needed you, and you ignored, turned your head away I had no place to go So explain to me WHY THE FUCK YOU STAY?! I want to kill you, eat your insides, and drink your blood Wanne rip your head off and smash it against the wall Destroying you is what makes me feel good Now your crying like a bitch and you have no one to call This is you last moment of life I am the one that is gonne kill you, Im the one who's winning And there's no way to survive I pull my knife inside of you, there is no returning |
| 11:22p | *Update from the sickist place...Hospital* Well I made another deep CUTT. I know, I know not smart! But I was angry, and I didnt know what to do, so I went for the only thing that has helped me so far. So now I am in the hopsital waiting to get stiches! And where might you ask...my arm! It sucks, cause know like everyone knows, and there all outside my room telling my parents. Thank god David is here (my boyfriend), and he is keeping me company while everyone out there fights over how stupid I am! And then once I get the stiches, then I am going to spend the night at his house. So that I can be with someone who really cares about me. Which is good! But I feel so bad, and now because my best friend is, or well could be having a baby. And she is only 18! Well sure, thats not so bad, as like 16 or dare I even say it...younger. So that kinda threw me off there. So I am kinda at a loss here. But um...it's time for me to get going. I have to get the stiches all done, and then I am off to spend the rest of the sad night with my love David. So wish me luck on my stiches going in and out ok...hope your all doing well! Current Mood:  scaredCurrent Music: *Shrek 2, I brought it with me so I wouldnt be so alone* |
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