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Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 2:20p | *I dont feel well* So I have been sick for the past few days, and so I went to the doctor and he saw all my NEW cutts. So he had my mom step out of the room, and he sat down and said "Ok, what happend this time?" I was determined to not let this fucker for a person try and get into my personal life. So I didnt tell him anything, I mean we sat there for about 25/30 min and I said nothing. He was trying to get me to talk, but I was in totall refusel! So then he gave me some more of my drugs and I went home. Then things started to get bad again, and my mom and I were fighting. And over what? Something stupid, she goes..."Are you really ever going to go to college?" I said Well yeah wen I am ready. And then I asked why no one in this family thinks I can do anything? Then thats wen she got crazy, and started yelling and saying things like...we are only trying to help you, and why dont you take any of my ADD? Things like that, however lucky for her she didnt see my bade and I cutt the words....No More Schoolin...I think only because I was mad at her, and mad at myself maybe because I am really not sure on what to do about school. Sure I want to go, and sure I want to have a job after that, but my fucking god! Cant I go at my own pase? No I have to go at everyone ele's pase! It's like I dont even matter anymore. I have to be like everyone else, and do things in the matter that they do. Well you know something? I can't, so I'm sorry. Current Mood:  crappyCurrent Music: Evanence-sorry if it was spelled wrong Natalie |
| 4:17p | I basically tore my shoulder up. I couldn't stop. and it's just like. cuts everywhere. and I was "sober" for a week. in PE, when we were changing our clothes back to the regular daily outfits. Krysten saw my shoulder. she was all "OH MY GOD!" and I was all "shhhh!! oh my. I'm sorry. don't tell anyone. sh!" and she said she wouldn't tell anyone. and I trust her. so her and Lena are the only people who know. and I hope they are the only people who find out. but oh well. I really don't care. and I think I do like Eric. and Hillary can go fuck herself in a corner, although I do see where she's coming from, but she shouldn't have blown up. and I cant help who I like. and he can't help who he likes. so yah. idk. whatevv. I'm over her drama. hope everyone is well. ♥ Current Mood:  bitchyCurrent Music: Panic! At the Disco |
| 8:04p | pleasured moments so today has been pretty bad. i cut really really bad last night...the first time in about a week. i only did one cut but it gaped open and it wont stop bleeding...that was last night....and its still bleeding. i've never seen a cut open up so wide before. i decided i would do it in a place no one could see and would be hard to cover up...boy...is cutting your foot not a good idea. i can see a vein at the top of my foot....it's disgusting, i'm disgusting. i told my counsellor in shame and she asked to see it, just so she could tell if it needed stitches. she told me i do and that i should go right away....but the problem is i cant work up the courage to show my mom what i did. so i think tomorrow during my spare i'll get erin or carolyn to drive me to a walk-in clinic. it hurts like hell though...and it's bleeding through my sock...it bled through 5 bandaids, a sock and my shoe today..it was horrible. i talked to my counsellor about how i feel "stuck." she kind of just looked at me like, "what?! how can you be stuck?" ......... so she upped my dossage of prozac. isn't that nice how that works...*rolls eyes*.... ahh! my foot is fucking killing me! i'm not looking forward to doing a presentation tomorrow...i'll be standing in the lecture hall with a throbing foot and a puddle of blood in my shoe. i'm so stupid. i feel so guilty...well i am guilty...but this scar is going to be bad. for someone who didn't want anymore scar i sure fucked myslef up. take off the safety, lift your arm to something you've lost. A mind full of memories, only a hopeless body. Hook your finger over the trigger. Only time for one more thought, before you blow out everything you never got. You think back to all the old times. Everytime you smiled, everytime you cried. You think back to all the times you tried to unravel these lies. What got you to this point, where you figured there is nothing left. You breathe in one scattered breath and close your waterlogged eyes. You pull the trigger as your body cries. Current Mood: crappy |
| 11:13p | oh my god...it hurts...this is worse than any breakup I've had in the past...Maybe I didn't really love any of those guys...but I know I loved Myka...I swore I wouldn't cry...Wouldn't waste one tear over this...But I just broke down because I went to look at his Vampire Freaks profile...why I don't know...but there they were together...him and Lucy..(the new better gf...the normal one..) One was of them kissing...the other was of them laying on a bed smiling up at the camera...god...I could have lived to be 100 years old and not needed to see that...It shows that he actually cares about her...or isn't maybe isn't ashamed to be seen with her like he might have been with me? I don't know. I'm pulling straws here...I so wanted to be whole for him...not only half fill...but I wasn't good enough. Will I ever be good enough? He IMed me the other night...acting like he'd done nothing wrong...I asked him why he IMed me if he had told me just a day or two to f*ck off and that I was yankee trash...*sigh* I also said "I thought you weren't talking to me..?"...He said " I never said that...I don't ignore you...and I won't" then he says "Myka (11/7/2005 8:01:30 PM): *hugs* I'm sorry I hurt you. Gabby (11/7/2005 8:02:19 PM): Are you? *looks at him* Myka (11/7/2005 8:03:45 PM): yes i am. Gabby (11/7/2005 8:04:06 PM): *just sighs* whats done is done. Myka (11/7/2005 8:04:17 PM): yea... Myka (11/7/2005 8:04:27 PM): do you think we can still be friends? Gabby (11/7/2005 8:04:41 PM): I don't know...it really hurts.. Myka (11/7/2005 8:05:02 PM): ... Gabby (11/7/2005 8:05:24 PM): Why would you want to be friends with me anyhow? Myka (11/7/2005 8:06:13 PM): because Myka (11/7/2005 8:06:29 PM): i still care i just didnt see us with a future together. im sorry. Gabby (11/7/2005 8:07:08 PM): I just wished you'd told me..sooner is all. Myka (11/7/2005 8:09:34 PM): ... Gabby (11/7/2005 8:10:28 PM): It felt like I wasn't even important enough to know that you wanted someone else. Ack nevermind. Igore me. Ha. Just being weird me hehe Myka (11/7/2005 8:10:56 PM): no. you are struggling with emotions thats not wierd and i wont ignore Myka (11/7/2005 8:10:58 PM): you Myka (11/7/2005 8:11:02 PM): thatll make me as bad as charles Gabby (11/7/2005 8:11:44 PM): I shouldn't be whining over something thats my fault is all. Ack SO how is mummy? Myka (11/7/2005 8:12:08 PM): good Myka (11/7/2005 8:12:24 PM): whats funny is with how you are feeling you may root for Lucy. Myka (11/7/2005 8:12:32 PM): She beats the shit out of me. Gabby (11/7/2005 8:12:43 PM): Why...? Myka (11/7/2005 8:12:58 PM): shes wild and wrestles with me Myka (11/7/2005 8:13:18 PM): she has martial arts experience and so do I so we go at it Gabby (11/7/2005 8:13:28 PM): hmm.. Myka (11/7/2005 8:14:05 PM): i have a bruise on my bicep that is killing me, she roundhouse kicked me and knocked me into the couch." God...I felt like he'd sucker punched me in the tummy...How could he think I wanted to hear about his new gf, the person he thought was better than me...Is that soo wrong to not to want to hear about how well they get on? How much they have in common? I just don't want to be here anymore...I'd rather be damn well dead...Theres nothing here for me anymore...Only pain and confusion...I need to cut to badly...but I don't have any razors...Well I do but I don't know if they'll work...and do I really want to have to explain I let what Myka's done to me make me fall back into my old ways? I don't know what to do...or where to turn...I just feel so empty...I don't want to feel this way... oh god...whats wrong with me?... Current Mood: gloomyCurrent Music: |
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