!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

God...even though I saw it coming ...it still blindsided me..

He told me on the phone that it was because of my cutting...but I haven't honestly cut (okay maybe scratches!) in weeks..

Then when I told him that he said that I would never get anywhere in life...I'd always be like this...never amount to anything..

Mum thinks hes just trying to find excuses so he won't feel bad...she says it isn't my fault hes a bastard...

But I keep thinking...that maybe if I had been a little prettier...less weird...skinner...had honest to god red hair...just something that I wasn't and won't ever be! that he'd have stayed with me..

I don't know what to think...except I never want to ever be anything more than friends with a male ever again...you just can't trust them when it comes to relationships like this...

I loved (still do) this kid...and he always said he loved me and would never leave me because of my cutting or how I act because hell he said he loved how weird I am..

How could he lie like this and give up on me just because he LIKES (yeah...not fucking love) some chick...Ha...he says shes indepenant...If thats true he doesn't stand a chance...he lives with his mother and hes going on 21...(mum reminded me of this..) and probably won't be moving out anytime soon...

Not to mention hes a mama's boy..*shrugs* you know it wasn't easy being with him either damnit but you know I did it because I felt our "love" meant something...at least it did to me..

He said getting back together with me was a big mistake...and I asked him why he did it then...he said "you were crying and I thought you'd kill yourself..." I almost screamed at him when I said "Well damnit what did you think I'd do when you told me you were trading me in a better normal model..? Smile and say okay? This is ten times worse!"...

I also said "Well damnit I'm not cutting myself...downing pills...or even crying now..so whats your next excuse?"

He didn't say anything to that...I suppose he'd forgotten about loving me so that telling me something like this and the possiblity of me ending it over this didn't matter to him...

God looking back how can I ever really know he actually wanted to be with me and not just "have" something his best friend had? I know thats horrible of me...but I can't trust anything hes said...because more than likely (since he lied about those other things) hes lied about everything..

He said...that we should have just stayed friends and not gotten into this relationship...I asked him "wasn't that my bloody idea in the first place? Didn't I say this would only come to trouble?" He said yes...

Sarah says she hates him...Sian says she wants to kill him...Karan thinks I should fuck up all his stuff...I don't know what my other friends will say...I'm not sure I should tell anyone else...I wish I hated him...I wish I could just get so angry that I could go to his house with my ex Paul and have him beat the living crap out of Myka...(Pauls a big irish dude..)..but I just can't...

Unlike him I just can't stop loving someone (someone I saw myself married to) like that...

He said he had nightmares about burying me...Well appearently he thinks breaking up with me and going to some other chick will stop all that? If you love someone like that then even if you are friends you'd still worry ...So thats another factor telling me he probably never really loved me...

Mum doesn't want me telling dad...because she thinks and knows (I agree) that he'll only say "there are other fish in the sea...and I told you so..."...

I can't help but wonder why I keep getting guys who do this to me...I'm also starting to think maybe I just deserve it..

Honestly I'm not always a depressed nutjob...It comes with having illness' like I do..Theres a good part of the time were I'm funny...happy...content...and ready to take on anything...but appearently he only saw the bad..

Why did I let him in? ...How could I have trusted someone who turned his back on his best friend in order to just get a girl? I should have known he'd only hurt me..

6 days...he ignored me and was with her...I don't even want to think of what he did with her while still with me..He said he didn't do anything...but you can't trust a liar...

I don't care if he reads this and hates me for it...Its MY journal...These are MY thoughts and MY feelings..no one can tell me not to express them..

If he posts a comment...(which I doubt he will...He'll probably do what Charlie did and just ignore me from now on..) and tries to tell me this is all my fault...god damn it I just might go to his house with Paul (even if I don't want to)...Is it my fault he LIKES some other girl and decides the girl he "loves" isn't good enough anymore? No...

Hell my dad is right...there are other "fish" in the sea...Hell even female "fish" if I choose...why should I wallow over some male who thinks its okay to treat someone who loves him like that?

I'm hurting...I won't lie...but I'll be damned if I let him of all people get away with walking all over my feelings like this...

When I first read his oh so impersonal IM...I ran from the room gagging...I thought I was going to be so sick...I called him right away...not giving a damn if he had work in a hour or not...

He said he was sorry..But I know hes not..If he was truely sorry he'd have told me on the phone...or had been MAN enough to wait till I was ONLINE (not in bed sleeping) when he sent me the IM..

Ha see I told you I'd called him that night and asked him to call me back...which he didn't...(which just proves hes a coward..) now see here..He told me this morning he'd been up till 2am...which means if he'd actually had the guts he could have called me...He told me this morning he'd gotten my voicemail so..theres no excuse...

This is just proving to me...that no he isn't sorry...and no he didn't love me...

This is the lovely IM he sent me...Myka (11/4/2005 1:25:42 AM): Hey there. I have to tell you something. I'm really sorry about this. But I met someone, we have fallen head over heels and I'm sorry but we can only be friends henceforth. Im really sorry. I feel like she may be the one... Goodbye, I will always be your friend. --

Now in that he says "we have fallen head over heels.." yet on the phone he only admits to liking her...

I don't even dislike this girl...Hell I feel awful sorry for her...cause shes with him...I can only hope she sees the light before he sees some other redhead...

I remember...when we were friends...that I couldn't half the time stand him because he was soo...UGH I don't know the word for it...but he just rubbed me the wrong way...but even though he was crude most if not all the time I was his friend..*shrugs*

I told mum...I wished I could nail his ass to the floor and just let him watch his whole world crumble like he did with mine today...No...I wouldn't wish him dead...just wish him to know and experience the pain he caused...

Does that make me mean? Maybe...While I won't always be mean like that...he'll always be the way he is...and I pity the fool who has to live with it...

Tank you everyone for listening to me vent and rant like this...xxxxxxxxxxxx

Gabby,

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Just the emptiness in my heart...