Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

Time	Event
9:19a	well today sux. i was absent yesterday not bcuz i was sick though. i juss say that bcuz i don't want to talk about the real reason y i was absent. well the truth is i was having a mini mental breakdown. i got i phone call on monday night and my one brother has been et out of jail 2 years b4 his sentence was supposed to be up bcuz of good behaivor. i think that's stupid. it's not fair. i have a mini fear of him. i cant stand being within 50 yards of him. he hurt me once and i don't want that to happen again. i'm sort of scared. i have a restraining order aginst him but still. i'm having a mental breakdown in my head. i shouldn't have come to school today either but i did. i don't want to be here. i'm having thoughts of suicide but i don't think i'll give in to them. i juss can't take it right now and all day i have to act like nuthing's wrong so people don't bother me. it hurts on the inside. i'm holding back on cutting though. g2g the bells gunna ring Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
5:26p	"make everything wonderful again." i'm searching, converting into something else. i make believe that i have a new life. make believe that i fought this fight. i want to say that i can understand someday, why it is i never pray. why it is i say "everything is wonderful now." when really it's not. that i really don't know how to fix the past. i know i'll never be able to, but if i did maybe the happiness would last. i close my eyes when i get too sad. i think thoughts that i know are bad. i want things that i had before. all the things i have no more. so maybe i can't change the way i am, but i can change the way i see my life. i wish i could make people happy. (i wish i could make your happiness last forever.) Current Mood: sad Current Music: Wonderful - Everclear (1 Comment | Comment on this)
7:37p	sitting here in limbo, like a bird without a song sometimes i look at my mother and think about how much i love her. i mean, deep down i love both my parents. there's always some kind of bond between us. so i don't know why i cringe everytime she touches me. she's a very touchy-feely person and she likes to pet me. it drives me fuckin nuts. i seriously cringe and shake and twitch, even if she just touches my arm. i feel like such an awful person but i can't help it. i feel like a zombie lately. i stare off into space constantly. i used to do it a lot, but this is ridiculous! i can barely function in a conversation. i can't pay enough attention to listen to someone. they changed my meds again. now i'm on wellbutrin. it's awful, my stomach is in pain and i feel like shit. dirty, rotting, maggot-infested, dog shit. i'm going to try and name all the meds i've been on. just for kicks. x. Celexa x. Wellbutrin x. Effexor x. Busiprone x. Lorazepam x. Methotrymeprozine x. Starnoc x. Zoplicone x. Trazadone hmm, that's all i can think of. considering i've only been on medication for a year, that's a lot. i'm currently on wellbutrin, busiprone, methotrymeprozine, and zoplicone. fun times. (1 Comment | Comment on this)
10:43p	sighhh. i can't help but to think i'm stuck. i'm standing still in a hell. stuck only in my mind. i want to be able to be there for her. make her feel better, but i feel so far away from being able to do that. well, physically...i am far away. but i love her. i wish she could be happy. i really genuinly do. i spent tonight finishing up some homework and watching America's Next Top Model.....i'm in love with Kim. maybe it's because she's a lesbian and proud of it or maybe it's just because she really is hot and she makes me think of doing naughty things to sylvie....haha who knows....(i hope that made you smile)....so, i sat there watching tv and painting my nails...haven't done that for a while. i feel so girly......ah! "it's 2 am and i'm still awake writing a song." last night i fell asleep waiting for her to come online, listening to music. i woke up at around 2 am and started writing. i've been in such the mood to write lately...*sigh*it's exhausting...heh, not really. i'm trying to block the sounds of my nana's coughs. they echo off the hardwood floors in my house, up the stairs and creep under my door. and once they're in, they don't go away. it's just a constant, painful cough. i hate it, but i love her. i try and drown her out with my music and my poems...*sigh*...but its so hard and that is truly exhausting. i cut myself last night before i passed out. all over my wrist. my razor is so dull though. my mom threw out all of my other ones. i guess she didn't find this one. i haven't had the chance to break open another shaver because now that my nana's moved in, she never leaves. and it's too noisy and obvious to do when someone's home....hopefully i'll get the chance to do it soon though....i hope. well, i think i'm going to go to bed. i'm pretty tired. i hope everyone else is doing well. :) Current Mood: crushed (5 Comments | Comment on this)

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