Tuesday, November 1st, 2005

Time	Event
2:25p	*?* I am not sure what to do here, my boyfriends family...they hate me. Oh how they hate me! I tried so hard to get along with them, I tried so hard for them to like me. I changed all of myself, just so they would think David was doing a good thing...by dating me! And what do I get after almost two years of dating...? BULLSHIT! Thats what I get, I get his mom, dad, and younger sister (who is 16, which is young compared to David and myself cause were both 18), they all call me names...make fun of me...make up things and then tell David. And what happends? David takes their side, and beleaves them, and wants to stick up for them, and leave me to defend for my self. Which is cool, cause I can...now here comes the FUCKED UP part. Wen I do try and defend myself, David says "You don't need to say thouse things." And all kinds of other FUCKED UP shit! And I am at a loss of what to do here. I mean, I was born into a family where wen people made fun of you, you took it anyway. But thats the kinda of shit that led me to cutt. So after all this has been going on, and after all this fighting...I go to work, and try and find something in the bathroom to cutt. Which I did, and I cutt. And everything bad went away for awhile. And then wen I came out of the bathroom, and went back to work...my boss asked me..."Is everything ok? You looked depressed?" NOPE! I said, I'm fine. So then I had to act all "Happy, and miss ray of FUCKING sunshine." So I am not sure what to do, should I keep "trying" to stick up for myself? Or should I just let them beat me down, till I am no more? Thanks for all your help guys, and I hope you're all doing better! CTC Current Mood: depressed Current Music: *CannibalCorpse* (Comment on this)
3:47p	"That's a bleeding lie and you know it." i just read someone's blurty post on whycut, about how it feels good to have that slash under your jeans and how you're the only one that knows about it. it gives me a sigh of relief in a way. strangely because it's my own and it is controlable...somewhat. i mean i don't go around flaunting my scars and wounds. it's something i keep to myself. it sort of shapes me in a way. i dont know if anyone else see's it that way, but i find that it carves my personality the same way i carve myself. it may not be the right way to go about it, but it feels like "home" to me. that's a weird way to put it, but it seemed like the only warm thing to put that i lack. i dont have the feeling of being home anymore. this is my substitute. it fills the void you know? i'm always worried that people are going to see the scars on my arms and legs and judge me from them. assume that i'm troubled or crazy. i don't want people to think that and my counselor says that those scars dont make who i really am. they aren't a part of me, they just sit over my skin. but i am proud of them in a way. it's like the only accomplishment i've ever made. well, maybe not an accomplishment ... just another attempt at failure, but so far my best failure. .... i guess i shouldn't be proud of that, but when you have nothing else to console yourself with...cutting is just fine. the destination is so far away. you're running towards her, looking for a way out. some way to come about these feelings you bury inside. hoping maybe she can help subside the pain. help you wash away the stain. it covers your skin. wishing you were anything but this sin. you begin to settle in to this medium. hoping she will lead you to freedom. cross your heart and hope to die. maybe someday you can admitt to this lie. you cover it, as if no one can see. you watch it soak through your shirt as it bleeds. it free's you from everything you hold inside. it's the only way you can find. to help you see you are so much better, but really only so much worse. Current Mood: crappy (3 Comments | Comment on this)
9:37p	crying on the phone and i cant tell the person im talking to about it I went back and read some of my old entries. it scares the shit out of me that I may end up back like that. I've wanted to cut for the last month or so but just can't bring my-self into doing it. I keep reminding my self of all the people that i have hurt by doing such thing. As I sit here typing this i'm on the phone with Chris. I love him so much but I can't bring myself to tell him whats going on. Why do I do this to myself. God I just want to cut. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
11:49p	tingly has anyone gotten a weird tingly feeling on the back of their neck near the spine? i started getting this feeling after the last time i cut, but i havent cut anywhere near my spine at all. maybe its from eating less? im not sure. please let me know if you have gotten this, or if you think this is nothing to be worried about... im totally freaking out. Current Mood: tingly Current Music: midnight hour - tasha (Comment on this)

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