Monday, October 31st, 2005

Time	Event
4:02p	wow. so Happy Halloween everyone! hope everyone has a good night. too bad it's on a monday tho. ugh. lol anywho. so i cut. bad. on saturday. i was fed up and i'd had enough of my family and my fucking math teacher. she had the fucking nerve, when everyone in my family knew that i wasnt doing well on my tests and quizzes, to leave a comment on my report card saying "your student is doing poorly on tests and quizzes" NO SHIT SHERLOCK! god. i dont think i like her. i wanted to tear my arms and legs up soo bad, but i with held and only did two on my arm, and like. kind of a lot on my thighs. but i made sure no one could see the ones on my thighs. so yah. i have an excuse for the ones on my arms so yah. got it covered. lol? but one of my best guy friends is being emo for Halloween and he asked me on the bus if it would be okay if he put fake cuts on his arms. and i just looked at him. i forget if i answered him or not. but the whole thing is. that emo kids are known for cutting. and idk. i dont think that that's right. i dont know any emo kids. i dont think. but Emo is a type of music. i just dont see how people can become it. and whatnot. but that's just my view on the whole thing. and Adam called Krista. but he didnt call me. am i next?!?! god. i hope so. i hope everyone is doing well! hugs and kisses. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
4:18p	back to school after being away for 3 weeks. well i managed to return back to school today. i had a bunch of things piled on me right when i got in. a presentation tomorrow for my english ISU, a presentation next week, a bunch of paintings and drawings for art...sigh...so much. i'm tired just thinking of it. i sat in art today explaining to Karen how my life right now (or the past 6 years) have been like a downward spiral. she asked if it was my parents divorce...i can say that, that's what started it ... but so many things over the years have just built up inside of me. everything that i never said. everything bad i held inside of me. it was like i blew up, because i didn't have enough strength to tell people what i really thought. i have been so weak. just pretending i was alright. wishing for things to magically be okay. well....that didn't happen. i've turned my family into a wreck. we're sinking in all this water. one part of me keeps thinking, "why did you call for your mom? why didn't you just turn off the light and fall asleep?" and another part of me says that i did the right thing. that i really need help now. i read the letter for my principal today that the doctor wrote to him and it said that i have "Major Depression - Severe(underlined twice)" that definitly didn't help my self-esteem. i feel like i'm crying inside. i want to feel good, but i just can't. i'm sick of hearing myself complain, but i just feel so crazy. i wish i had someone near me who felt the same way. i wish i felt okay. i'm so scared of who i'm becoming. i dont feel like i can control anything. i wanted to cave in and cut so badly last night, but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. i just sat there crying in the dark, my head was screaming "I CAN'T! I CAN'T!" but i needed to. i didnt though. i'm so sore, i think i might cave tonight and break through my flesh. it's the only thing i can count on these days, the pain...its the only thing that has always been. "i'm a stranger in this town." it's like everyone is growing up around me and i'm just falling behind. i can only be what i've always been. weak and a failure. my mom is being so careful with my meds. she has to give them to me every night and morning, and then she hides them so i can't od on them again. i just want to take some sleeping pills and lie in bed watching the trees outside my window. i could spend days just sleeping and poping pills. i'm in such a daze anyways, what would a couple more do? i'm living a hell in my mind. no one else see's it, but they arent inside my head. they dont look at things the way i do. they don't feel this ongoing numbness that i feel every second of everyday. its like the walls are sinking around me and i'm falling into my seat. i'm stuck now. i dont know if it's possible to pull myself out anymore. everyone says it will be okay, that i'll get through this...but i dont know if i can. i've given up on everything else...why not one more thing? its only me after all. i'm tired of feeling like this but acting so happy. i can't be myself, but maybe what i think is me really isn't. i'm so confused with who i am, who i want to be, what i can be, where i can go, how to live. i'm just so stuck. ughh life... Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Bush - Letting The Cables Sleep (Comment on this)
6:14p	ok, i'm assuming most of you read my previous (and first) post about doing very deep cuts... i thought maybe if i did it so deep once, it would scare me out of cutting altogether... i couldn't have been more wrong... 5 deep cuts later i'm sitting here wondering why i'm so weak. wondering why i've been cutting so deep. now i'm thinking it'll take me to be hospitalised til i scare myself out of cutting, but i can't guarentee it... my friend is mad at me because of it. she started crying in the lesson when i told her- i couldn't keep it from her that i was still doing it deeper... last night i did two deep cuts. on one of them i somehow managed to get the whole inch long blade in my arm... i put dressings on all of them and then micropore tape over that and they bled through all the layers... i don't know what to do about it, it's got so bad and i really can't stop myself. i think if i could actually take pills (for some reason i've never been able) i probably would've OD'd by now and stopped hurting people. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
6:22p	i think we should have a thread for song lyrics which relate to self harm, pain, hate, depression, suicide etc... uhm i'll start off... "10 good reasons to stay alive, 10 good reasons that i can't find..." Current Mood: pessimistic (2 Comments | Comment on this)
7:58p	ehhh :-/ Wow i had been doing soo good for the longest time....Pretty much until about a month after fucking school started. Now im back to my old self cutting like its going out of style and i gotta hurry and catch up before the trend ends. But lets be honest....for most of us this trend probably will never end. I'd love to be the one w/ the positive outlook but i just dont see it happening here.... :-/ I'm doing it more and more.....and the sad part is that its making me feel better and better. Walking around knowing that under my jeans lies a slash acrossed my hip and stomach and nobody but my best friend knows.... and hey. Sometimes i just keep it to myself cuz i like having a secret. All i know is that things are getting worse and i dont plan on stopping it. I'm tired of it. <3 lena Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: bat country by Avenged Sevenfold (4 Comments | Comment on this)
9:31p	help i haven't cut for 3 months and 4 days now.. the longest ever without cutting in 3 and a half year. whoa.. & i really need to cut right now, my boyfriend and i are in this big fight and he don't want to talk to me anymore.. he doesn't answer my phone calls or my emails. he's my only friend, the only one i can really talk with. it's so my fault. i hate myself so bad. it's like i can't do anything right. everything is just so messed up right now. it's all getting a bit to much.. I feel like crying the whole time. it's not only my boyfriend, but the situation at home isn't really great either. i reeeeaaaaallly want to cut.. but i can't.. i mean, i really wanna quit, i don't want to have more scars on my body.. It's so difficult, but i gues you all know that. well i feel already a bit better, from typing this stuff out. What should i do? anyone suggestions or just anything?? Thank you so much..!! <3 i'm sorry if my english wasn't really good.. (1 Comment | Comment on this)

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