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Sunday, October 30th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 10:27a | that's black and full of dirt And the wind is pushing harder Into the bodom, of pain and hurt All the regrets are eating me inside Like a sickness it's growing onto my brains It's eating me up alive Stop all these foolish games!! life, what do you want from me?You allready have me depressed is there more you want to see?I'm under the cuts, and a cross upon my chest cause the love for me has died It's not ment for me I have waited for nothing whit my arms open wide i don't want to be So just push me harder into that water Stop my breathing Dont let me live any farther Stop me from my beeing!! |
| 12:09p | introduction. hey, i'm new to blurty so i just thought i'd post an intro so you know a bit about me... i've been cutting on and off for 4/5 years. at first it was nothing, just a few scratches on my wrist using scissors and safety pins, but in the past year it's been constant- almost daily. i now cut both my arms up to my shoulders, both my legs up to my knees, my hips, my stomach and around my collar bone. i now use scalpels and stanley knife blades. just recently i have got the scalpels and now i often cut a lot deeper, deep enough to need stitches but i never go to get them. i also stick needles and pins in my arms and self pierce. at school a load of teachers are involved with me and my self harm now because one teacher found out and obviously told other teachers. in p.e (gym) i have to wear long tracksuit bottoms and a longsleeve t-shirt which makes me stand out from everyone else, which i don't want to. people in my classes at school make fun of me and my situation. i sometimes cut in school. i am having therapy weekly. it's not helping me cut down on the amount of self harm. i hate who i am, i hate the fact that i cut so much to cope with things, i hate how i look. i'm adopted so i think that's one of the reasons i have a fear of rejection. i'm never happy with anything i achieve, i have low self esteem, i have trust issues. so that's basically the failure that is me... if i think of anything else i haven't mentioned, i'll add it. Current Music: acceptance- different |
| 3:46p | Slash I wanna cut.. anything to make this pain? hurt? upset? hmm.. well make it go away. Where to cut next.. arms, legs, wrists, chest, hips? Well i cut in most of those areas already, so ill just add a few more cuts to add to the collection. *Love Yoo All* xxxxxxxxxxx |
| 5:47p | "I CAN'T HELP YOU, NATALIE... NO ONE WILL EVER BE ABLE TO FUCKING HELP YOU..."-My mom She actually told me to pack my shit, and leave...Nicole called, she said if I pack soon enough she'll take me...It's sad that someone who isn't even related to me is willing to put up with me....I love her for that... Mood: I want to cut... Earlier yesterday, I received a phone call from a friend of mine. He asked if I would be interested in going to Chicago with him. At first I thought, "Why not..anything is better than being here..plus, I love the city." So, I hung up the phone, and within a few minutes I had to call him back. That urge, that fucking urge that always paces through my mind, telling me not to go control my thoughts, and I picked up the phone, dialed this number...and I told him that I couldn't do it. That I just didn't feel like doing anything today. So, I took a few Valiums, rested my head upon my pillow, and dozed off into the only reality I believe in. Once I was awake, I felt the longing need to carve into myself. While doing so, my phone starts to play, "How do you do it? Make me feel like I do?"...I notice the caller id says it's him. Once I answer we both agree to go to Round the Clock. The only problem was that blood was dripping down my arm, and I only had an hour to get adjusted. So, I try and stop the bleeding as much as possible, throw on a dark hoodie in case the blood starts to seep through the fabric. As he is hooking the horn in my alley, I slip 7 more Valiums, 2 more Effexors, and a Risperdal into my system... I barely remember much from then on. All I can remember is looking outside of the passenger seat thinking, "He must think I am such a fuck up...He probably doesn't even want to be my friend anymore.." I mean, here is someone who I laughed with under any circumstances, enjoyed every moment we ever shared...and now, there we were in complete silence as I was passing out. Once we arrived at the restaurant, we sat down at a booth, and I ordered nothing except water. He offered me some of his lemon-rice, but I didn't want any. As the place started to clear, I decided to take my belongings into the bathroom... I remember the confusion I had while deciding which door to choose because I couldn't read, "Women's" and "Men's"...Luckily I went into the right one though... I looked into the mirror, glanced at myself, looked at my arms, and wanted to just break down in the corner and cry... But, no....Instead I opened the filthy stall, hung up my messenger bag, got my razor out of it's case, and began to slice away at my arms...I found it hilarious how someone in the next stall could be taking a piss, and have no idea of what I was doing in the stall next to hers...I forgot to pack my orange washcloth to clean my blood, so I needed to use tissue instead, which wasn't the best thing to use because it barely takes care of the jobs. So, once again I just rolled down my sleeves, and acted like nothing had happened... As I walked back to our booth, I forgot where we were sitting. I even forgot who I was there with... Until I saw his familiar face, and it all came back to me... I took a seat, and set myself up so I could lie down.. I ended up passing out, which was very rude on my part because I was suppose to keep him entertained. I was suppose to be his guest, not someone he had to baby-sit. I can't recall when I woke up, but I remember him saying it's time to leave, and the waitress told me, "You're cute when you sleep.." and she walked away. No matter how many times people tell me that comment I'll never accept it as a compliment. I don't remember the ride home that well, and I wish I did. I wish I could have apologized to him. I wanted to give him a hug so badly, but at the time, I wasn't thinking clearly. I just thanked him for the ride home, told him how much I missed him, and walked towards my door. I didn't even bother to change. I just fell asleep on my bed with the clothes I had on, and passed out. I woke up feeling fed up, unhappy, spiritless, downhearted, and in pain. I hadn't felt that way since I was 13... I was barely conscious as I reached into my bag to fetch my razor, but while doing that I came across a note...a message...and it read, "And I swear if I could take your pain and frame it...and hang it on my wall, Then maybe you would never hurt again at all.." I knew it was from him, and I began to cry... That's when I realized I couldn't take it anymore...I took the last 4 valiums I had, and prayed to God that I would never rise again...I even wrote a letter incase those were my last breaths... "I'm tired. I'm sick of everything around me. I cut my arms over 170 times, and I still want more. I want the courage, and just be able to press down with anger on my wrists, and slowly doze away with relief. Within the past 3 days I've consumed 40 Valiums and 9 Effexors...I'm DYING inside to die. I just want to leave this world. I don't hold a purpose in it. Everyone else here is here because they are told to be. Well, I believe we should have the choice to leave. And that's exactly what I plan on doing. As much I love everyone, I can't take it anymore..........I'm taking 3 more Effexor, and then going to sleep. I love you all. -Natalie Jean Prskalo" But, the morning did blum, and this time it wasn't the sun that had woken me up...It was my mother's screaming and hitting my sides that did. "You took 40 of my Valiums didn't you! What the fuck is your problem??? WHAT THE FUCK NATALIE..." I could barely hear her...I barely understood what was going on.... I don't remember the day clearly, but my mom spilled her heart out to me...Telling me how I don't even have a hard life, and I don't even have the right to want to end my life... She then said, "WHY do you have to pull everyone into your black hole?" I didn't know what to say. I just started to cry. She was making me feel like I was some fuck up who just tries to bring everyone into depression with me.. Maybe that's the truth. Maybe everyone that comes close gets pulled in... I'm not sure. And if so, I promise to keep my distance until I'm better. "I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning." -the perks of being a wallflower. "Why kill yourself? Life will do it for you." Current Mood:  drainedCurrent Music: AL3-Crawl |
| 10:06p | sundays... today was a day of relaxation for me. my mom had some people over...people who i've known my entire life. we carved pumpkins. we dont usually do that so it was really awkward...heh, it was like we were a family? maybe, i dont know if i'd go that far. these past days i just feel so jaded. my mind is going insane. i act happy...but i just dont feel it right through me...it's like there's a piece of me missing. i cant get it to return. i want to cut but i dont want to disapoint myself. i dont want to cave. i dont want that feeling of guilt. i already have enough of it. i dont need anymore. i have this feeling in me that wants to save my nana. i want her to feel better so badly. it's like someone punching me in the stomach everytime i hear her hurting. her cough kills me more then its killing her. i kiss her cheek every chance i get, just so she knows i still love her. that i still want her to keep going, to stay with us. i love her so much. i'm nervous that something will happen. that i'll wake up one day and come downstairs and she wont wake up. that scares me so much. every second i hear my voice in my head screaming "I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!" but i'm so far from it. i act happier, but the truth is it hasn't gone right through me yet. and now i'm wondering if it ever will. will anything ever make me really happy? what is happy? i haven't felt it for so long, i dont know what to expect when or if i actually start to feel it. i breathe out all the anger, but i take in all the guilt. i'm so sorry, i feel so sorry. i've ruined so many things, so many peoples life's. i'm such a stress for my family, such an uneasy person. its like they dont know whether to let go or hang on. i dont know either...should i just get out of here, pretend like i never even knew them. just run away? i dont know. i'd kill for just that one feeling of being secure. of mentally knowing i am "okay." i just want to know that i am. i just want to know that i'm getting closer. how do i know if i can't feel? i wish for things that are impossible, but i pray for them to come true. Current Mood:  crappyCurrent Music: Blind Melon - No Rain |
| 11:00p | I'll keep you my dirty little secret Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret |
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