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Saturday, October 29th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 1:37p | shitty, man so lately..ive been doing nothing but cutting. my arms are so scared and cut up, its beautiful. and crazy at the same time. i have to hide them. i hate hiding them at home. they only one that found out was a teacher of mine. oh well, she didnt tell on me. i dont care. shes the one that told me i can talk to her whenever i want. fake ass bitch. i tried to talk to her on thursday and heard her talkin to people about how annoying i was right when she saw me. she tried to cover it up, but i heard it and my stomach did flips. why does this always happen to me? everyone i grow to trust fucks me over. besides my boyfriend. thank god i have him. i think i would go mentally and utterly clinically insane if i ever lost him for whatever reason. hes my life line. :) but yea this bitch...it just threw me for a fucking loop because she was one of the genuine ones. she acted so nice and so kind. i never wanted to get like that. im sorry i have problems. im sorry my life is pretty much fucked up by this crazy addiction. im just sorry. i dont think she would listen to it though. sighhhhhhhhh Current Mood:  weirdCurrent Music: crossfade |
| 4:10p | Recent entires from other journals..... Way out...In the Water... [28 Oct 2005|07:27pm] mood | sleepy [ music | The Pixies-Where is My Mind? ] And these....these are the pitiful moment I wish someone open-minded would talk to me. Last night is a complete blur. The only memories that remain in my mind are the ones I would like to neglect. Sitting on my bathroom floor as my arm takes one wound after another. Never am I satisfied though. The thoughts that sprint through my mind... "Natalie, their aren't enough. You can supply a few more, there is still space on your arm..." After 98 slashes...I'm complete. I move into the kitchen, pleading my mother won't wake up from her trance as I prolong my steps into my room. In my hand, I hold 16 Valiums. Never did I imagine I would be taking all of them that night. So, at first...I took 5. I was hoping to save the others for later. I ended up taking a bike ride by myself, just to get my mind off of things. I don't remember where I went, I only remember about 4 people I saw. After that, another blur occurs. I do remember coming home though. I believe I was planning on taking 3 more, and then continue to straighten my hair. Which I did...So, that left me up to 8 Valiums in my system, and I am usually only used to 9. Then, I received a phone call while doing so. A phone call I rarely receive. I like to think of it as my "booty call," but it wasn't this time. He actually for once just wanted to hang out. So, he calls...tells me he is down the street, and I run back inside my house to take 4 more Valiums. Now everyone...What's 8 + 4?...if your answer was 12, congratious! I wish I could remember exactly what happened. I honestly do. I know nothing, but kissing was involved. At least I hope so. I ended up going to Purple Steer. I found it sad that I was so fucked up that I couldn't even make the cake that was on the fork into my mouth. The last memories I hold in my mind from that night are giving him a hug, walking towards my door, falling up my stairs, and from then on it remains a mystery... All I know is that when I woke up I was in a daze, I noticed I had taken the last 4 Valiums, and I didn't feel like getting out of bed. My mother thought that I was still resting...So, I decide to go at my arm once more... Two of the cuts wouldn't stop bleeding so I layed down a towel to prevent it from dripping all over my sheet. Some blood caught the wooden part of my bed, but that's fine. So, I rested my arm there, and I fell asleep without evening knowing that I dozed off. Thank goodness my mother didn't walk in the room. She's gone for the day now. I plan on listening to music, and working on my arm somemore. I add Risperdal to my daily dosage today...Shall be interesting shouldn't it? Everyone have a fabulous Friday, and enjoy your night out on the town. -Natalie The drink isn't enough... [29 Oct 2005|01:23pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | Flunk-Play ] The one arm wasn't enough...I woke up, and the towel that was suppose to prevent the blood from draping my bed sheets was filled with a puddle...a huge puddle of my mistakes.. 68 fresh new ones...::sigh:: What a beautiful disaster, right?... I ended up taking 7 Valiums, and I added my Risperdal tonight as well. I passed out, but thank god it was on her shoulder. What a comfort, what a great feeling....but I could never deserve someone like her. She has enough problems, she has so much to look forward to. In my eyes, she is finally pulling herself along, while...I...am sitting on the railroad tracks with the chain connected to my legs not even trying to move... My mom wants to take my off of Effexor XR and Risperdal...She said it is making me into more of a Zombie than I ever even used to be. She is telling me that, "She's putting you on these pills for your depression and your cutting..you've stopped both, but you aren't Natalie anymore..You're a zombie.." NEWS FLASH mother...I'm getting the pills that turn me into a zombie from your fucking purse... ::sigh:: I need to get away from here. Everyday I pray to cut so deep, that they are forced to take me to the hospital, and just leave me there... Yet, another part of me is asking myself, "Could you honestly do that to your Father?".... ....He stayed away for years though. Yet, I still considered him my father... And I still do. I just wish...I don't know, I just wish he was here with me instead of keeping his distance... -Natalie Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: Dashboard-The Brilliant Dance |
| 9:06p | things I would kill to say: Jessica: gawd, how fake can one person get! geez com'om u hafta noe deep down in ur heart that ur transparent! You're not punk and u never will be. Ur not a true cutter so stop mocking those of us who have a serious problem. Fuck you bitch Fuck you. Gawd you need to get ur own fucking personality! I was once thisclose to you but now I can't trust anything you say, everything u say is a lie and get this thru ur fat ugly head YOU ARE NOT IN A BAND! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY INSTRUMENTS , NONE OF YOU NOE HOW TO PLAY AND ONE OF UR MEMBERS LIVES IN ALBERTA! I hate you. Dad: gawd noes I love you to death but I just wish that you would stop drinking and smoking, I want you to live to see me get married, to see my first kid. I love you and I can't say this to ur face because I'm afarid of what will happen. I love you to deathh. Current Mood:  artisticCurrent Music: Aloisia - After think, My cuzins band |
| 10:06p | I haven't cut in eons/months, hence my absence from the forum... It feels like this transitory phase that has passed in my life-- like I no longer need it to carry on. It served its purpose and I've moved on. I honestly think that the cutting propelled me further into depression; it made depression insurmountable. I mean, yes, I was genetically inclined towards the illness, but adorning myself in those gashes and incisions exacerbated my condition. Putting it out of my mind for so long hastened my recovery... I can't EVER forget it, but it's easier than you think to make it a memory. A cumulative memory. Good luck to all of you. I realize that we all start and stop for different reasons, and ultimately construe different meaning from our individual experiences. All I can say is that if you really try to pull your head out of that painful, self-inflicted distortion-- if you REALLY take things as they come and try not to become rampant over the paltry details, you probably won't need it. The blade. The malaise. The sadness. They destroy you and you enjoy it. How sad can reality be? Reveling in the pain-- the only thing you've programmed yourself to feel. Living wasn't meant to be so anguishing. Permit the pleasure, if only once a month. Try not to hate yourself with such passion, even if it only means you lessen the press on the blade. Reduce the depth in which you push the blade. I think every single one of you can and will pull yourself out of SI. xx Stay Strong xx, <3 Ashley |
| 10:25p | good morning hello how can i help you shoot yourself on to the floor and cry a lullaby that makes me a foreign language plays through my ears discombobulated communication ricochets through space I CAN'T HEAR YOU THROUGH THE STATIC ANYMORE. we pace through the hallway waiting for the game to begin our turn to play seems forever away forever and a day but we still line up day after day waiting for something to make things meaningless existence shiny enough to distract from what all this motionless commotion stop and go the static plays through the speakers, this time i can read the words that are smeared across your deceptive lips and the meaning seems clear enough we pace up the hallway, up and down the hallway reverberating through archways and catacombs alike the resonating tone of summons brings to life this bitter poison that pumps through me paralyzing and motivating all at once i am struck dumb by paradox. stop at the doorway. turn the nob. walk inside. don't look back. this is it. this is everything. Current Mood:  crappyCurrent Music: nirvana - polly |
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