!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

"it's only life after all"
Running from the pain,
why can't i ever seem to get away?
Trapped in my own mind.
The words i just can't find,
to explain this wonderful misery.
I'm a selfish control freak,
but i'm so weak.
I fall everytime,
and it's getting harder and harder to get up.
I'm my parents fuck-up.
My life i can't seem to get out of.
I'm a shove over in my reflection.
A defect in my families rejection.
I'm an infection
without a cure.
These words i slure,
as i swallow them down.
again i fall.

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Aren't we all just searching
for a better cause?
A reason to pause
the pain.
Finding some reason to remain,
to refrain from the life
we wish would change.
Now we're just bodies lurking,
searching,
for something better.

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What's going on?
How'd it get so wrong?
I'm lying next to someone just like me.
Someone who wishes they could be free.
Now we're just dead inside.
Only wishing we could find,
the reasons we hurt ourselves at night.
why it is we fight.
The battles happen over our flesh.
The mesh we cover ourselves with.
We want what we can't have.
We're bodies no one can save.
We listen only to the pain.
Maybe that's how we stay sain.
We blame our actions,
causing our reactions.
We take it upon ourselves
to swallow down all those pills,
all the bottles.
The battles.
We wake up to another war.
What happens when we go too far?

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Why don't we pray for the "right" things?
Why do only angels have wings?
The branches swing in the shadows outside.
Another day passes me by.
My body cries.
She lies, steals and rhymes
for the right things to happen.
Waiting for a blade to change her ways.
She's unwrapping her faith.
She can almost taste
the happiness, the glory.
but if that's true, why is she so sorry?
Why does this still feel so wrong?
Why can't she feel like she belongs?
*sigh* let go of it right now.
She'll eventually figure this out somehow.

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Scrape it off and push it to the side.
maybe that will help the feelings subside.
will they go away if the darkness fades?
will i be able to live without blades?
hiding behind a razored sheet of metal.
the outcome of this life will be fatal.
i've locked myself in a room without doors.
i've covered myself in memory filled sores.
i'm crawling my way out,
but i'm still drowning in all this doubt.

i wrote those things when i was in the hospital....i have many many more, but i thought well, thats too many as it is.

i'm nervous to get out of the hospital...i don't know why...maybe just the overall feeling of getting back into the "real world"... back into a routine. anyways, to change to topic...i was looking for a costume to wear for this halloween party tomorrow and i'm so stuck. i dont want to dress up...i guess you could call me a party pooper. meh. so i thought, well, what about a 1920's flapper? so i tried that on...nope...a pimp? tried that on. ha it looked pretty sweet...i was like "i'm enjoying this too much, heh." then my mom said i looked like a lesbian..lol...so i was like, okay, scratch that. then my sister, for fun, dressed me up in this long tight red dress and put black gloves on me...i'm not going to lie...i looked hot. but i dont know what it was and i definitly wouldn't go out in public like that. soooo i have no idea anymore...i think i'll maybe just go as myself...(yes, that was a joke...i know it was bad). so if you guys have any idea's send them to me....im desprate.

Current Mood: hyper
Current Music: Thursday - Division St. (accoustic)