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Thursday, October 27th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 7:57a | So about the losing me best friend situation . . . . i finally got the balls to talk to her about it well write her about it. and this is what she has to say about the situation. "You know i wouldnt ever leave you and a couple of weekends ago yu were at your friends house in hhoville and then suzanna came in from NY and ive missed that bitch so we have been chilin. you know if one of us isnt busy then the other is. You are like that stars to my night sky!! come'on please dood haha." thats what she has to say as i wrote her a two page note in the middle of class crying in school becasue it was killing me to write this stuff to her and she doesnt even care she just makes a joke of it she can never take anything serious. and that isnt true that when ones busy the other one isnt thats BS right there i spent every waking moment with this girl even if i did have plans i blew them off for her like alwasy i was the friend i think anyone could ask for. and then we always walk to the busses together after school and were walking down stairs to go outside and shes like well suzana's picking me up so im not riding the bus ill call you or talk online with you later. and look its later .. . and any phone call ?? no . . . any tlaking online?? no. w/e i give up i just need to move to Illinois and to the little town of Bloomington-Normal so i can go live with Brandii b.c me and her will become best friends and not have to deal with anyones shit and be pimps!! haha i ♥ youuuuuu xoxo carissa |
| 4:07p | my ex, that i went out with for almost a year and a half, sent me a message on myspace:: don't freak out. i can't get you out of my head. when i hear your name or see you my brain automatically still thinks of you as MINE. weird i know. i miss you. i love you. i want you....back. and i dont know if i want him back. god. things were just getting a little better. between Adam moving and Lena not being here and now this. god. i dont know what to do anymore. Krysten has my pocket knife ... but i still have scissors. but ah. i haven't cut for a week. i wanted to do good. and now. Nic has to go and tell me that he wants me back. Jeeeesus Chriiiiist. i just dont know what to do. i want to cut so bad. i want to talk to Adam. i just want to be held by someone that loves me. i want to be protected from everything bad. i dont want this to happen. i want the world to stop, i want everything to back to how it used to be. i want so many things that i can never have. what do i do. i just need someone to talk to. i just need to get away. i just need. well. Adam? yah. or Lena. but i can't have either. and this fucking sucks. i think i have no other choice than to cut ... Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: Panic! At the Disco |
| 4:28p | I let myself do it again... I hate falling in love, I always get crushed in the end. I didn't want this to happen, I should have never tried to do this. I can't hold myself back anymore, I cry for help that isn't here. It's been a long time comin'... I'm probably going to like this... More than ever! Current Mood:  depressed |
| 6:44p | *Do you?* Ok...so I cutt again today...boy let me tell you...how much I have...missed that...and well...what did I cutt...?....hum...well...I cutt...my boyfriends name...in my...hand...now that...hurt....like a mother fucker...and...hey thats what I...get right...?...well I am sad...about doing it...I was never...ment to do it...but we...had a fight...with him....and his family...that are...so mean....buy the way...but not like...what I ever say matters....cause no one...not even him...understands what...I'm saying...or why I'm saying it...or anything like that...some times...I dont even know...but at least I understand why I'm saying it...and I...know it has...some good...reason...well...doing better...I hope you all are...keep goin... Current Mood:  listlessCurrent Music: *ICP* |
| 8:38p | debate im debating cutting right now. its been a long time since i last picked up the blade. but my roommate left for the weekend, and i have this organic chem test tomorrow, and im sitting here all alone in my room with my blade. i just ate so much. ive been trying to stay between 1000-1200 calories and i ate 1580 today. i feel like a huge pig. the whole idea was that i would lose all this weight and be beautiful again, but i fucking blew it today. and now i want to cut. i want to do anything but eat. im trying hard not to purge. its so tempting. my life has gone to shit in one and a half weeks. in 10 days i had cut my calories drasticall, in 5 days my boyfriend called me on it, and all the cutting ive been doing. he wont leave me for it, i know that, but he'll give me those looks and he'll try to search for new cuts on my body. and its not that hes keeping me from cutting, its the humiliation of him finding them i guess. ugh whatever. i just want this week to be over. im gonna cut. Current Mood: coldCurrent Music: die die my darling - misfits |
| 9:49p | a one woman army "we live like vampires and we love like killers we all die like infants and we trust like mirrors it's the smoke and the drinks and the smiles it brings it's the pain and the sex disguised as innocence slow suicide like it or not it's what we do it's the love of guilt that forms the habit of being dramatically overdramatic" why am i so fucking sad all the time? well, if i knew the answer to that, i wouldn't really have a problem. i know it's not possible to be happy all the time. but just maybe, i could be happy for a moment. just one measly little minute without someone tearing me apart. today, an old man at the mall told me that i am "intimidatingly beautiful." i think he was slightly retarded...it's still the nicest compliment i've had in a very long time. but my dad turns around and says "she could use some work. maybe if you lose some weight." my jaw dropped. i couldn't believe he had the nerve to say that in public!! he says things like that to me all the time when we're at his house. but i deal with it because i get free weed from him. plus, i'm not THAT fat. i have womanly curves. they're called boobs, not fat rolls. they're hips, not love handles. and yet, every time i look in the mirror i want to punch my reflection. i've been fasting for the last 4 days. i had 2 pieces of toast and some corn chips today. ...what a crock of shit today turned out to be. |
| 11:20p | Why? im so fucking ...aghhhhh!.. im taking all my anger and hurt out on other people so now im taking it out on myself again. i feel so bad for sending nic this real nasty text ....which i shouldnt of.. but did.. cas i was upset. i keep cutting myself and althou im already upset cutting is just making me more upset ='( *Love yoo all* |
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