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Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 8:00a | "Best friends its a -PROMISE- not a label" yea that was by far the best promise i got . . more like a label now. i have officially lost my best friend. i cant take this anymore she like completed me the other half of me i spent everyday and everyhour of my waking life with this girl. i stayed the whole entire summer at her house not a single day was i any were else. talking for hours being soo stupid we'd pee our selves laughing. i have had by far the best memories anyone could ask for from a best friend sharing a locker with her staying at her house on school nights forever . staying up till 7 in the morning talking and laughing.. crying yourself silly from laughing. but now thats all gone. because of a stupid girl named -suzanna- i dont even know this girl leaves and moves to new york for like a year and then all the sudden comes back and she was only supposed to stay for a week or so to visit and everything i dont have a problem with that . . but now i do. shes moving back for good. and im loosing my best friend for good. im never going to see or have the same friendship i had with her again. i dont knwo what im going to do . shes the one who i called when things went bad when i couldnt handle anything. she has stopped me many times from cutting she's been like a savor to me. and im going to loose that and its all going to go down hill im goign to be a mess. and i have to sit here and listen to "suzanna this suzanna that me and suzanna did this" ugh i cant take it anymore i just want to be like shut up i dont want to hear it i hate it im loosing you ARRRR!!! i just want her to know how i feeel but i cant talk to her. i cant do it because i know she'll just say . . your not loosing me stop blowing it out of proportion. . . w/e promises are made to be broken. just shoot me now get it over with. everything is going to hell anyways . looks like im on my own once again no friends nothing not a single thing . . the ouctcast. black sheep. the FUCK UPP!!! cutting like mad now.. wooot i love it! - x3 - |
| 4:22p | I cried myself to sleep last night. I can't stop thinking about Adam. And the whole time, I'm wondering if he thinks about me as much as I do him*. He told me he'd miss me. but idk. Sometimes people lie. God. Why'd it have to be like thissssssss?? I miss the crap out of him. I haven't talked to him. I really want to, Just to see how he likes Ohio, And if he misses me, And if he has a new girlfriend. And to tell him that I miss the fuck outta him. =( ♥♥ |
| 5:42p | I NOW made 2 NEW marks and I Finished the "I <3" thing NOW it says " I <3 U " I know it doesnt mean much to you all ya know the i heart you thing but when i look at it, it means alot to me Well yeah * Odie Current Mood:  depressed |
| 7:44p | she enjoys nothing more. i feel like i'm getting better in a way. i think the meds are starting to kick in, i'm happy lately. i'm not going to lie though, i still have this knot in my stomach. my mind is still a mess, but i just have this manic feeling making me happy, pushing me to say positive things. it's weird. i'm struggling to find a way to get to where i want to be. its so freaking frustrating....i wish the answer was closer. i'd give anything to be with her, but everything around me is against it...well not against it, more of an "it's not the right time." but it so is! ahh. i keep having these thoughts of just jumping on a plane and running away. i want to so badly, but things are just starting to get a little bit better. i feel like i'm starting to get "better." but i just need that one thing to make it right....just having that one person to have there. anywhere that's closer. i'm so scared i'm going to lose her. i know that sounds paranoid, but i just have this uneasy feeling that something will happen. i miss something i have never even had...isn't that how it always is? wanting what we can't have... pushing to get to something right. something to ensure i made it through this fight. the nights go on and still i give in, to everything that breaks me up inside, of everything i cut into my skin. bleed like you never have before. let it run deep through the floor. seep through the ceiling below, just let go. don't hold it inside anymore. you can't hide behind a sore. you cut in so deep, but you dont really know how far that blade really goes. it shows in your reflection. there's a defect in your flesh. you can't cover yourself with this mesh. it hides what you are inside. do you wonder if the pain will someday subside? that you can break this habbit? one day do you think you could possibly, be free? Current Mood:  distressedCurrent Music: Saves The Day - Nightingale |
| 10:21p | Today was an okay day..even though I only got 4 hours of sleep. I woke up around 4 am and watched the shows mum taped the night before for a couple hours and just sat there cuddling with my kitties. Was so nice...Then later I decided..."hell I smell...I need a shower" Which I haven't been able to give myself since I got hit..and guess what? I didn't fall in like I thought I would. Nope I washed my hair, used my yummy body wash and shaved my legs allllllll by myself...of course getting back up from the floor after I'd shaved was er...interesting? At first I thought "Oh damn I'll have to wait an hour till mum gets back for her to help me out...Theres no way in hell I can get out myself" But somehow I did it alone. I called mum later and I found out wonderful news! Our friend Kelly! Shes like 10 years older than me and she used to babysit me when I was younger..Well heh Kelly's like 4 months pregnant *sighs* Isn't that lovely? Miss Kelly's finally having a baby. I'm so excited! I hope she has a girl. We're checking to see if we can put together a baby shower for her. I love shopping for little baby clothes. They're sooooo cute! *Sigh* Makes me wish I was pregnant too...but god knows I'd never make a fit parent...So we won't go there. But anyhow me and mum went out to breakfast to celebrate and talk. We talked about Sian..*sigh* I told mum I didn't like that she'd jumped ship and gone to Sian side by telling her she'd done nothing wrong. Well maybe she didn't do anything wrong...just...I don't know how to say it...I also confinded in her telling her I thought maybe me and Sian haven't been friends for a while...For months she'd never tell me anything about what goes on with her...I mean she'll tell me about her lovely friends and if her mums lost it recently but thats it..I also said I was scared this would never get worked out and we'd never be friends like we used to be...Also mum said how proud she was of me for not cutting...*Looks away in shame* I caved last night and carved up my thigh..I didn't have the heart to tell her how weak her dumb daughter is...We also talked about Myka...mums still on the fact that Myka won't tell his mum we're still together...She also thinks that Myka thinks his mum is more important than me...if he does it doesn't really bother me...Hell she gave birth to him...I'm just a gf...I know deep down that Myka's mum doesn't think I'm good enough for Myka...Maybe shes right? Mums afraid that if I move down there with him and his mum that he'll always side with her and I'll always be the odd person out. I'm too scared of getting him angry to ask him any of this...Our relationship is already rocky as hell right now..we don't need extra things in the way..We went to CVS after cause I needed some soothing stuff for the poison ivy I have on my shin...is itchy as hell. Grrrrr. We got several other things too cause hells that what we always do! But anyhow we got back to talking this time about me getting a laptop so we could get DSL...She said not this month but in DEC when she gets all her tips she can help me out with the first payment...but of course the normal impaitent me wants the laptop now!! I found the perfect Dell on QVC but sadly it doesn't air till Monday and we can't find out if we can get a payment plan on it till then...*sighs* Now I can't wait till Monday...Oh yay I finally got to talk to Dani! I told her I'm worried about her babygirl gf *sigh* I wish I could help them...I'd love to be able to just take one and wisk her away to the other and then I know everything would be better and easier for them...Why does the world have to be sooooo screwed up? Current Mood:  refreshedCurrent Music: |
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