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Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 7:22a | ♥He's that guy that i so deperately try to push out of my head. while at the same time cling to our memories with all my might. hes the guy that i hate because i love him. and that i love, because i hate him. he's the guy that no matter what he does to himself or me, he'll still be that beautiful guy i love. i knew him really well. the i lost him. i tried finding him. but i realize hes got to find his own way back. back to me? maybe. i keep hoping that this will be my romantic love story. happy ending and all. but sadly im preparing my heart, for yet again, another disappointment. from another guy. - Today i didnt have to go to school because i had to babysit for my mom because she had to go to jury duty. so i stayed home today. being alone was quit amazing the whole house to myself. . to EXPLORE lol. well i was going through my room emptying stuff i didnt need and blah blah. and i came across my "box" . . this box contains everything i mean everything that happened between me and my ex-boyfriend. from notes to flowers braclets to mints, papers, candy wrapers, secret messages everything . . I just stopped and had to catch my breath to prepare to go through this. . . . . I opened the first note and just started balling my eyes out . and another and just so on soo forth that it got so bad i was throwing up because i couldnt breath . . all this just was soo hard on me im soo still in love with this kid i cant handle it this is pretty much the reason i started having to see a therapist and everything . . I just started cutting and cutting and cutting some more. more than ive cut besides when we broke up. my legs arms ankels everything are just torn gashed ripped open. the pain that i feel from this was just great truly becasue i feel as if i did this as if i caused it but i know i didnt. i wish there was a way to show him what he did to me how much i love him how i need him . . . and just to show him everytime i see him i cry i just ball in school everywhere i cant take this anymore feeling this way . . .(when this new boy is comming into my life) its not going to work. . i cant i cant handle it or him or anything right now . . True love does end. It hurts like no other. Current Mood:  okay |
| 8:39a | Why did God put so many of us on this earth if all we're going to do here is be miserable and wish to no end to leave this wicked place? Nothings fine damnit and it won't ever be again. I'll I've done is cry over nothing..and everything at the same time. I'm losing friends over stupid things. Theres no way to fix the damage thats been done. Sometimes I wonder if we were friends at all..Don't friends come to one another and tell them the truth? Aren't they supposed to slap the other friend when he or she is being stupid? I just feel so alone. It isn't going to ever lessen is it? Its always going to be there till one day I either die or disappear...God how I wish for a razor...Its so much easier to just cut away the confusion pain and hurt...I wish I hadn't given mum my razors...I had 6 fresh ones damnit! But what choice did I have? Myka threatened to leave me...god maybe hes better off without me. What freakin good am I? I can't even manage to stay on my stupid meds...not that they help anyhow..If I wasn't so scared someone would find me and stuff another tube down my nose I'd OD and just be done with it. Why can't anyone else see that being here isn't helping anyone its only making things worse? There isn't anywhere to run...Talking to people who just look at me like I'm daft only makes me more insane...Ack if I wasn't so scared I'd get hit again I'd walk to CVS and buy new razors..I can't do this guys I really can't. I'm going to either kill myself or cave and ruin everything..*Crawls away into a dark corner and cries herself sick* Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: |
| 9:24a | My life . . . Corner of my room Its dark and cold 2 in the morning And the lack of sleep gets old Instead of resting my head I either cut or cry Never ending depression Seems to be the answer to why So many broken hearts Have led me far away From ever being happy And thats how its going to stay When ever I seem to get close Or fall deeply in love again Something goes so wrong And there becomes a aching within So alone in the dark I will forever sit With another aching heart And another wrist to slit telll me what youuu think about this one !??! ♥ carissa Current Mood: numb |
| 2:41p | i'm so done with all this shit i'm fucking done i give up Current Mood: i'm in a fuckin great mood |
| 4:17p | wow. so for some reason i had my pocket knife in my make up bag. and i brought that to school cuz i had PE today. and i was telling Krysten about it. and i showed her. and she was like "maybe you should let me have that ... " so i gave it to her. maybe this will help me. maybe this will only make me want to cut more. but so far, i think i'm fine. except for. i feel totally depressed. and i really miss Adam. i used to wait/look for him in the halls. and i still find myself doing that. i'm always thinking about him. i still like him very much. i'm kind of afraid this is going to hold me back from any other relationship. i dont know whether to move on or not. cuz i know he's coming back. but if he has a new girlfriend, and i'm stuck here, head over heels for the kid, i dont know what i'd do. ♥♥ Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: the Spill Canvas |
| 6:26p | just found out my dad has to go to hospital next week :-| one of the thingies in his spyne presses on his nerves ...If he doesnt get operated he can't walk and stuff anymore...he has like a hard time moving his fingers and walking and stuff...Im so afraid he will die if the operation goes wrong :'( ... fuck... love, iensjj |
| 8:27p | Okay. I need to think. The problem is, I have no time to think anymore, or do the things I love. A guy I used to know (my ex best friend) called me up. It hurts so bad. Ive barely talked to him in a year. He left...I dont know where he is or how to reach him or anything. Hes gone. I trusted him. I dont trust people but I trusted him. He took it and lost it. I thought I was done. I told myself that if he ever talks to me again, I wouldnt talk back and just hang up. I lied to myself. Whatever. Im over that (complete lie). I cut deep. My boyfriend and I have been fighting. My cell was taken away by my parents so I cant call him. I miss how things were. I have a bunch of friends. Thats cool but I used to have some certain people that I dont have anymore. It hurts like fuck. We all just drifted apart and never really hung out again. Time. I hate time and I hate change. Theres nothing I can do about it. The seasons will continue and the years will pass me by. I cant just take a break. I go to sleep knowing that I HAVE to wake up the next morning. People change and people die. Life stops for no one. People cant handle me. I cant even handle me. I dont like how I look and I feel like Im fucked up. Im always cold and my head always hurts. My once perfectly smooth soft skin is rough with scars. Nothing really "sticks" in my brain anymore. I learn something and it just leaves. I decided I would stay away from drugs and alcohol for a bit. Im so fucking stressed out. I just want a break. This is too much work. I cant handle it. I dont have time anymore for the things I love; photo, drums, art, music, wandering the streets, etc Everything seems like a lie. I just want to cut the pain out of my body. I use a dull this pocket knife most of the time because I have to WORK to HURT myself. It takes time and it hurts so much to force it into my skin. I want help but Ill never ask. I just need to get away... |
| 9:39p | Abducted A young girl Walking along a silent road Suddenly a van pulls up They've abducted her Blinding her Tying her up like an animal Driving just driving They push her out Leaving her alone in the dark She doesn't know where she is A strange new world How to leave How to get back to what was No hope Current Mood:  cynicalCurrent Music: |
| 9:39p | i have to go to a family reunion in two weeks. man, i wish i would have known sooner. i'm completely and utterly fucked. i won't be able to get through this without someone noticing my scars. my beautiful scars. i'm listening to ani difranco's "i loved you, so what?" and that's exactly how i feel i saw him today...with that whore. travis...saying his name gives me chills. travis. he sat on my bed, crying and told me that he loved me more than anything in the world. that i was the best thing in his entire life. that i was too good for him. he came over every night after his 12hour shifts at the factory. i'd make him a late night snack and we'd stay up till 4am questioning each other. talking about the future, when we were going to get married, kids. this wasn't some lame ass teenage romance. i loved him from day one. august 10, 2003. and then he disappeared. stopped calling. that was months ago. so when i saw him, it was like something from a movie. i was in the chocolatier today, just lookin around and i was eating some jelly bean samples when i turned around and he walks in with her. holding hands. she's wearing a fucking mini skirt. i wanted to scream GAHH IT'S COLD OUT YOU RETARD! but i thought it'd be rude so i decided against it. so what do i do? go ahead, guess. i gasp and it causes me to choke on a motherfucking jelly bean. and then he looks at me like he doesn't know me. doesn't know every single inch of my skin. doesn't know the curve of my figure. doesn't know what i'm thinking the very second i think it. like he doesn't know the intimite details of my life. bastard. i don't have the words to describe the way my heart shattered when i saw him. i got goosebumps (goose pimples? i never knew what to call them) and my face turned a warm shade of Christmas red. i'm mortified. i just keep looking in the mirror saying "what the fuck is wrong with you? why are you so useless? why do you bother?" "And you're trying hard to figure out Just exactly how you feel Before you end up parked and sobbing Forehead on the steering wheel Who are you now And who were you then That you thought somehow You could just pretend That you could figure it all out" |
| 10:27p | Its gone...and done. Vanished...Me and my bf got into a fight...then we got to talking about if I ever got pregnant how would he know I wouldn't hurt myself and accidently hurt the baby? I told him if I ever thought I would I'd never allow myself to get pregnant in the first place...after a while he told me the deal was off...I was allowed to cut...he said I'll stop when I feel like it...but he doesn't want me to talk to him about it anymore...I only ever told him because he said he always wanted to know...I found a razor...now I'm just sitting here thinking of what to do...He won't leave me and thats all that was holding me back..so why do I hesitate? I know in the end I'll cave...Its only a matter of time...Why do I feel so damn hopeless? Current Mood:  indescribable |
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