!5 (SaVe us from the PaIn)'s Blurty

I know...God why is she back? Sorry...Not in the best of moods. Everything just feels like its falling apart. Like someones gone and pulled the rug out from under me. Nothing seems real anymore. I got into an accident...which is why I haven't posted in forever. Is hard for me to type. I was walking to CVS with Sian...and some SUV comes bashing into me...I go flying and land on my back hard. Sian calls 911 and stands in the road so no one else will hit me and this dude stops his car and puts a skirt or something under me. I think at one point (I can't remember what happened really well cause I hit my head on the ground hard) I said " I want my mum". So sian called her and appearently(mom told me later) she freaked out and couldn't remember where the bank was (I was across from it). We weren't far from my house so mum ran up the street and found me on the ground. At first she said "what did you do!?" lol Like i said "yes please big SUV hit me then run off" I explained to her calmly that I got hit..obviously...and she freaked out again and said "my baby!" lol. They took me to the hospital...that I don't remember...I don't even remember getting into the ER room...or them cutting off my clothes..I remember them trying to move me and I kinda screamed *hides* Didn't mean to but damnit it hurt. Mom called dad and he hurried over...and of course they got into a fight right there..Dad was mad that mom hadn't given me and Sian a ride to the store..and mom thought he had no right to say that to her. Dad came up to my bed and asked how I was..I don't remember what I said but he laughed..Then he left..*sighs* I guess he couldn't stand being in the same room as mom right then..I don't blame him..I don't like staying near the person I'm fighting with either. Anyway...they take X rays and cat scans of me...Turns out I've broken my shoulder...and messed up my legs..*sigh* they let me out a couple hours later with pain pills and a sling. I end up back in the hospital 3 more times after that because I thought my thigh was infected and I thought maybe my shin was broken or something. Not fun. Couple days later me and mum get into a fight and she says she wants me out of the house for good...then I hear her and Sian talking and I thought I heard Sian say she wasn't taking me with her to FL. (Turns out later Gregg said he wasn't allowing me down there unless I was on my meds..) But anyway at that point I figured everyone was against me...so I left..Since my legs and feet were swollen I couldn't put any shoes on...and I didn't figure I could get myself into a jacket alone...Mum comes following me out yelling asking what the hell I thought I was doing? I told her calmly I was leaving since she was so itchy to get rid of me. I ended up walking down the road into a calmer street with lesser cars so there wasn't a greater change of me getting hit again. Sian comes follwing me and tries to get me to talk to her. I stayed silently and made my way down the road...Mum calls the police and the bastards tell me I have no right to walk down a street for a bloody walk. WTF? I'm 18..I can walk wherever I want. After a while I get back into mums car..then the damn ambulance comes? they tell me I have 2 minutes to get out of the car or they'd take me by force...I refused...They grabbed me so hard they almost broke my shoulder in another spot...assholes. I Screamed and kicked the whole way. When I got into the hospital...I found out someone lied and said I wanted to walk out in front of car...*growls* mum most likely. I set them straight right away. Anyway I got more Xrays to make sure my shoulder wasn't reinjured.. Thank god it was the same it had been. So I wait hours for the stupid PES to come...and he comes and I explain that there was no reason for me to be here and HA he agreed. He didn't like that I wasn't taking my meds so I shrugged and said I'd take them...then I had to call mum...who refused to pick me up...it took me...I think 3 hours of yelling crying and pleading for her to come get me. If she hadn't I wouldn't have ended up in a homeless shelter cause even daddy dearest was being a prick. His "classes" were more important than making sure that I had a place to stay. Finally mum came to get me and I found out Sian had left for Fl without me...*Glares* Some frined...couldn't even stick around to make sure I wasn't or was coming home. Mum thinks I'm being harsh but damnit if my friend was in the hospital and needed me I would have stayed not left to go off to someone elses place..Its not so much I'm angry with her...don't get me wrong I am...but damnit it hurt more than anything. She couldn't even wait a couple hours to found out if I was coming home or not. It felt like a betrayal..Anyway a couple days later Myka calls me...*Coughs* and tells me I'm stressing him out...and he was worrying so much about me that he was losing sleep..then he kept asking if I thought it was best we broke up? I was a bit too shocked to really answer..so anyhow he breaks up with me... after we hang up I think I cried for..6 hours straight...I kind of came to a conclusion...if he loves me then weather we're together or not he'd worry...So I called him back and told him that...also informed him of how much hes gone and hurt me...he says hes sorry and doesn't know what to do...so I softened...I said that if he thought breaking up with me will help him become the man he wants to be then fine..we were over and I could understand that..After a while we got back together but...I think the damage was already done... We barely talk now..I try and give him the space he seemed to so despratly need...and instead of saying "i love you" before we hang up he said "See ya"...I asked him why and he said because he said it too much and it was wearing thin on its meaning...*grumbles* I just don't know what to do. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. I just called him and said you know why I don't call you? Its because I think you need space..and he said well when you don't call its like you don't care about me anymore...I told him and when you don't say I love you it feels like YOU don't care about me anymore...he went over the wearing thin on the meaning thing and I said yes but do you know how you convince someone you love them? You constantly remind them...And he said he was sorry.. Honestly I think the damage was done ...It feels like we're slowly growing apart. I don't know what to do...All I want to do is cut...but I haven't done it in weeks...I'm not even sure I can cut with my shoulder like this..I know Myka wants me to call him BEFORE I cut but he has people over and I don't want to bother him...but then he'd get angry at me if he found out I cut and didn't call him...GODDAMNIT!...I called him...he said I can't cut even though I have the razors...he said if I do hes gone..I had to promise him I wouldn't.. took me almost an half hour to do it...I know I won't cut...I can't lose him...hes all I have..

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Current Music: Crushed