Friday, October 21st, 2005

Time	Event
7:11a	Confusing me Abusing me Ripping me into pieces My heart so torned It can't be repaired Stop playing around Fooling around You're hurting me On the inside No one knows No one cares No one would understand I slowly Fall apart Till I'm nothing more Than a smiling puppet who is crying on the inside I wrote it yesterday on the bus home..tell me what u think Love, iensjj (2 Comments | Comment on this)
4:07p	"moving sucks butt" a quote from my dear Adam ♥ so. today was Adam's last day. i didnt cry. [[ well. that's a lie. but that's farther in the story. ]] so. this may be a long entry. but you guys can deal. the story starts at school. so i get to school. and i go to my locker. and i pass him on the way to my locker. he is with some other friends. and i dont think he saw me. but i stared at him. as i walked by. [[ i am crying now. as i type this ]] so i go to my locker. and i get my bag. and then i go to Hillary. and i have her read the note that i wrote Adam last night. she says it's good. and so i go look for Lena. and she reads it. and she says that i should put more "affection" in it. so i dont give him the note. but for the past week. he has kinda been walking me to my first hour class. so today he did that. and we're always like "see ya later!" and yah. did that today. and so. i get in the class, which is RWS. and Hillary is also in that class. so i tell her what Lena says and she helps me improve my letter to Adam. and she told me to add some stuff about how i like him and what not. and yah. so i did. and then passing period comes. and since i'm in block, i have RWS for two hours. and Adam is in Combo, which is also two hours. and yah. so me and Hillary go to the drinking fountains and get a drink. and Adam always goes there too. and we were like "oh! we're watching The Incredibles!!" and he was like "i wanna!!" and so he comes to our class room. and i give the note to Hill to give to Adam. and she gives it to him. and then he has to leave to go to his class. and then in RWS we watch the movie. and third hour, i have math. which is upstairs. so i'm going up the stairs and he comes up, scares the crap outa me. and gives me a note. this is what it says: Brandi- Ya, I ususally dont write notes but I guess I'll make an exception. Moving sucks so bad. ya. I'm pissed that I am moving because of friends and because of you because I really like you and I definatly would have asked you out. ya, I'm gonna miss you like woah. wow, combo is the worst class you can possibly take. It's so freakin boring. it's wasy though. But ya. I wish we could have hung out more. That would have ow3ed <--(ya I did it) ya. your like the best/sweetest person in this whole school. Goosh. I'm sad. Tear. (picture of a tear drop) lol. well I wouild write more but class is over. now I'm going to attempt to fold this. wow. i was in math reading this. and i almost started crying. thank god i didnt. but yah. so the whole day. i was like wanting to hug him. but yah. i didnt really see him. so. buut. after chorus, my 4th hour class, he was at his locker. and he was undoing his lock. and i go up behind him saying "47, 36!!" and lol. so we kinda walked to where i had to go to my homeroom and he had to go to his class. and so yah. then after lunch, um. i go to wellness. and he goes to wellness. we just dont have the same teachers. and my classroom came first. and so we walked together. and yah. then um. after wellness. i didnt see him. and um... 7th hour is Biology. and i always go to my locker after bio to get my spanish stuff. and he always comes down the hallway that my locker is in to get to his locker. and yah. he stopped at Lena's locker. and i was done at my locker fast. so i go to her's. and we stand there for a couple minutes. then we had to go to class. so me and Lena walk to our class and he walks to his locker or class. and then since spanish (( OH MYY! I HAVE A STORY ABOUT SPANISH TOOO!!)) and i was like all sad bc i usually dont see him after school. and like. i was talking to Lena. and i was almost crying. and yah. so i walk toward the stairs and like. i see him. so i stop. and he was with other people. and so i wait. and then. we hug. and then we walk to the bus lane together. and my bus is always at like. the east end of the lane. and so we walked that way. but it wasnt there. and so we start walking back. and my bus is right next to his bus! and so. we walk there. and we hug again. and i hadnt cried yet. but then i get on the bus to go home. and i sit next to Ben. and i sit down. and i start crying. and like. i'm just sitting there and tears are rolling off my face. and yah. he asks me what's the matter. and i know he is friends w/ Adam too. but like. i was just like. nothing. and he waslike "is it your boyfriend?" and i was lke "i dont have a boyfriend" adn he was like "oh, is it someone on this bus?" and i was like "no" adn he was like "oh, is it a friend?" and i was like "yah" adn he was like "boy?" and i was like "yah" and he was like "andrew?!" and i waslike "haha no" adn he was like "does it start with an M?" and i was like "no" and he waslike "A?" and i was like "yah" and he goes "Travis! names w/ A...??" and then finally they guess it was Adam. adn then Ben was like "does it have to do with what's happening tomorrow morning?" adn i was lke "mmhm" so yah . and i get home. and i start crying again. and yah. and here i am writing this. other story: Spanish class. this is probably the real reason i am posting. so we're sitting in class. and it's like the first 3 minutes. and he was like "oh. i've decided to change our plans today. all the other classes we messed up. i messed up their grades. blah blah blah." then he was like "i got so frusterated that i wanted to take out a knife and cut my wrists" the whole fucking class laughs!! all except for me, Lena, and Hillary. we were pissed! so. we had to watch this movie about the day of the dead. and so we (me and hill and lena) decided that we should talk to him during the movie. what does he do? he stops the movie. and we go out in the hall. and we tell him that we dont appriciate him talking about cutting. and he was like "oh. when did i do that?" adn i was mad. and i was shaking. and i say "YOU JUST SAID IT!" and he was like "oh" and then like by this time, Lena is crying. and i am shaking really bad. and the class is looking in the hall. and they could probably hear every word we said. and yah. so then he's like "you guys go to the bathroom to chill a little bit and then when you come back, i will start the movie when you guys come back" so me and Lean and Hill go to the bathroom and i start bawling. and then other people walk in and i'm like "wow. let's go back" and yah. so we did. and like. he was like "i'll never say anything like that again" and me and Hill and Lena were like "bullshit". it just urks me how teachers. no. adults can joke about cutting. it's not even cool. like i want to stab all of them! anywho. wow. my eyes really hurt bad. from crying. but ohwell. i want to see him one last time. when we hugged the last time, i didnt want to let go. at all. i never wanted to let go of him ... ♥♥♥ Current Mood: sad Current Music: Senses Fail (2 Comments | Comment on this)
5:18p	I fucking hate teachers Yea i haven't posted in ever but when this came up i felt like i had to say something... Anyways i have been a cutter on and off for about 5 years now and yea soo here goes.... Me and my best friend have spanish together you see and for the 3rd time today our fucking spanish teacher (hes male) joked about cutting himself. He is standing in front of the class and goes "Oh you have no idea i was soo frustrated i just wanted to cut myself" and then proceeded to make slash motions acrossed his wrist. and the fucking sad part is the fact that half the kids laughed. School is one place where you shouldn't have to deal w/ somthing like that i mean yea i know we all get it from the kids but seriously when your teacher starts cracking jokes about it theres definatly something wrong! All hes fucking doing is letting kids know its okay to poke fun at something seriouse and that hurts people. So my best friend Brandi and another friend Hillary and myself decided to take some action since this isn't the first time hes done this and i told him that we needed to speak w/ him imidiately (sp*?) so we go in the hall blah balh balh he like tried to deny it at first and we're like what the fuck you just said it like 2 minutes ago and soo yea he was gay about it but i just kinda felt like i wanted to share it w/ you guys :-/ Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: 10 years by wasteland (4 Comments | Comment on this)
8:12p	sunrise, sunset this fear clings to the inside of my chest like sharpened icicles where could she be a constant worry gnaws at my bones little mice of anxiety i cannot shake the feeling of a creeping black fog i see shadows in the foreground i cannot make them out where has my mind gone, where is my mind i am lost in repetition finding the same old pathways of resistance denial covers me like a thick oil i am disgusted with myself i sit in my windowsill smoking bowl after bowl of pot, slowly. listening to the music that scrapes at my gut and tears at my heart. all the words that i bleed. i write in my notebook, sometimes i cut myself. the other night aroudn three a.m. i was writing in my notebook and getting high, andi just started to cry. i felt panicky and horrible, like something terrible had happened. i can't explain it. but i cut myself, and when i felt the blood dripping down my leg, the warm liquid seeping downwards, i touched it with my fingers, and pressed my fingertips into my notebook. soon, i was drawing hearts and lines with my own blood all over a page in my notebook. i looked at it, marvelled at what a perfect red it was. such a pure hue, and yet so typical. it seemed like hollywood blood. when the bleeding stopped, i went to sleep. i finished reading The lovely bones and now i've moved on to Diary by Chuck Palahniuk. He's one of my all-time favourite writers. so far it's pretty good, pretty vague. lots of set-up, as usual. well i guess thats all for now xoox Current Mood: anxious (3 Comments | Comment on this)
9:47p	ahh. i ♥ Adam's brother. but not as much as i ♥ Adam!! so. i went to the football game tonight. and Adam's brother, Brad, was there. Lena's, my bff/twin/my life, was like "LET'S GO TALK TO HIM!!" and i get all excited thinking that Adam was there. but he wasnt. but Lena told Brad to tell Adam, "Brandi loves you!!" awww! and Brad was like "wait! you're Brandi?!" and i was lke "yah .... ??" lol. and he was like "oh my! i need your phone number!!" so i gave it to him to give to Adam!! and Adam is gonna call me!!!! ahh. i love today. and i hate it all at the same time. after i posted my last entry, i went to my room and bawled my eyes out on my bed. it felt really good to cry. =/ ♥♥♥ Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
11:14p	ok- everyone i have made up my mind. Wish me luck because here i go... I'm going to try to quit, well actually take a break from cutting. i need to at least definately tone it down. from this day to whenever i REALLY need to cut, im going to try to resist cutting and self harm. I have bought plenty of rubber bands to snap when i want to. So ok, october 21.. lets see how long i can go. I want to get better, and that want, is the best thing that has ever happened mentally for me. i want that want to become a reality... im going to try to quit cutting. wish me luck, help me guys, ill need your suport. thanks kids. *exhale*.. Oh man.... Current Mood: hopefull Current Music: gold digger (2 Comments | Comment on this)
11:16p	conversation from today... teacher: what happened there? *pointing to my arm* me mumbling "nothing" 20 minutes later me: please dont tell anyone about my arm teacher: well im a little concerned about your arm me: well dont be teacher: what do you mean, dont be? what happened to you? (sarcastically) was it leaves, was it the bushes? me: sure. yea, the bushes. me: you dont understand why i do it teacher: ive read about it, but i dont understand. why dont you just stop? me: too hard i go back to her me: im paranoid teacher: what are you paranoid about? me: you telling on me me: if my mom finds out, she'll put me away teacher: she will? me: yea, she will teacher: i wont tell anyone, but please be careful me: ive been doing it for 4 years, i can handle it teacher: stop me: i cant. she knows. i didnt want her to know. i didnt want her to find out, and then leave. its like shes holding a piece of me with her, and then shes gone. i hate conversations like that. my heart races...i get paranoid and worried. stomach is in knots. it sucks. im looking at them now. one of them is like dark dark purple, almost black. i think i went too deep. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: death cab (2 Comments | Comment on this)

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