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Monday, October 17th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 12:57a | dammit guys, i really hate myself right now. i haven't cut for a looong time since like june. and i was swearing it off for good. but tonight i cut. and it was for the stupidest reason. i was already frustrated and i was super upset because i found out a secret about my boyfriend and someone called me fat (stupid i know but i'm super self conscious) but none of that caused me to cut. it was because i couldn't find my homework. i was already frustrated and i couldn't find my homework so i cut myself. how stupid is that? |
| 3:53p | *Just wondering...* I have this ergue to cutt, but I don't want too. Any idea's on how to handle so I don't keep doing this.? Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: *SLIPKNOT* |
| 5:11p | Im feeling really weird today so I decided to update or something. I kinda changed stuff up on my reg blurty site. Even though I dont really post there. I only really post in my communities. Im distracted. I dont feel like Im part of my body. When the sun hits my face but the chill of the air keeps me cold, I cant help but feel detatched. The sun is coming in the window and I keep looking out the window. I feel like Im trapped here. Everything feels like a prison. My body, this house, this city, everything. Looking through my eyes feels like looking out this window. If I could just jump out... The glass of this window is dirty. The pavement looks cold but Id like to lie on it. The sun is sinking behind the trees. Theres a fence and it seems like maybe if I was different, if I was on the other side of that green fence, things would be better. These window panes are killing me. If I had a bag and some money and I just set off... The things I wish I could do. But all I can do is drag a blade across my skin and like my head be dizzy. I could drink and get high, but I have work and school. The options are so slim. |
| 5:48p | so i dumped Mitch last night on AIM. lol and like whoa. i got like burned x45258145435165. i was like "sorry." and he was like "yah. me too" wow man. i was lying in bed last night, and i picked up my scissors. and i was like "he's not worth it" and i put em down. goo mee!!! and i just found out that if Adam wasnt moving, he'd ask me out. damn moving! ehhh. now i'm le sad. but. like Lena said and i quote "well its kinda good i think cuz you need to lay off the guys for atleast a little bit" agreed. but still ... uggh. why does he have to move??? that's all that i have to say. so yah. anyone who's bored. and wants to talk. IM me. my screenname is ima pirate x1x3x ♥♥♥ Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: Senses Fail ♥♥ |
| 6:41p | i cut last night and this morning... gosh hpw pethedic can i get I really miss her school sucks i have massive head aches every day so MUCH drama/hate IM gunna die i love you all ~Odie Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: for fiona ~No use for a name |
| 9:28p | i'm a cutter. my ex-counselor once told me that cutting doesn't make me who i am. i think it does. how can something i constantly thing about.. constantly reminded about everytime i look at my arms.. constantly feel within myself.. how can that not make me who i am. it's just a part of me, and is me. sometimes i don't understand how i can hate it and love it so much all at once. i wish there wasn't anyone to take it away.. the only thing that keeps me sane. sometimes i think i was better off.. all those nights i cut up my arms. i felt normal and abnormal all at once. and feeling a little bit normal was good enough. because now.. going months without cutting, i feel like i have no place.. i feel like no one else.. like no one understands. sometimes i wonder how i make it through each day. i wonder what it would be like if it didn't hurt so bad. way down inside. like a bullet lodged deep inside your chest. throbbing deep inside you. sry. i realy needed to rant. |
| 11:00p | i need some meaning i can memorize skipping stones on icy water, count the stepping stones to Hell point out the brilliance of burning trees keep on stepping, stoned to Hell. trip the wire, don't make a sound we fall all over ourselves in an attempt at something brilliant but our shady ways get us every time every time break the gates down, bear witness to the schemes of men who weave shining prism light into stories, sparkling your dilated pupils like diamonds made of sand count the skipping stones to Hell, hell-bent on seeking your destruction, keep on skipping, straight to Hell. I sit beside this window, letting smoke curl out from between my lips. My eyes are closed and i can feel the heat rising off of my eyeballs and onto the inside of my eyelids. The music that pulses in my ears pumps through my veins to the bass line of my heartbeat. The afternoon seems endless as the rain falls against the pavement outside, a drumline of precipitation baptising the city after a heady summer full of sin. I absorb the weather through my skin, running my fingertips over coarse skin grown resistant from abuse. I take in the rainbow of scars that are splayed across my legs, some dark purple and some light brown. Some faded almost to invisibility, some new and bright, loud and screaming. They mock me when I stand before the mirror in the mornings, taking mental inventory and checking off my insecurities before I wash away the dreams of last night. I wash away the denial, the fantasy land that intoxicates me and envelopes my subconscious like some gorgeous velvet fog designed to help me cope. This nocturnal escape provides something necessary, something that pushes me upright in the mornings, allowing me to actually get up. Everything seems overhwhelming. I have these daydreams that become nightmares as my worst assumptions are played out in 'what-if' land. I silently imagine years worth of action accumulating in nothing but pure, inevitable misery. For isn't that just how it would be, isn't that just what would happen. It's always like this. I feel the urge to cut. I feel the urge to watch the blood flow down my legs and feel the buzzing sensation in my skin and underneath my ribcage. I want to feel something. oxox sylvie Current Mood:  anxiousCurrent Music: bright eyes |
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