Sunday, October 16th, 2005

Time	Event
9:54a	hey i dyed my hair yesterday... it looks kool... Current Mood: meh Current Music: a lawnmower outside (3 Comments | Comment on this)
3:01p	first update. Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one. Ok. So I am new to this community. I actually created my blurty this morning after contemplating whether or not to continue living (had a rather long night last night), and every week or so I will log on to this community and read all of your posts.. And even if writing how you're feeling or the comments you recieve don't make you feel completely better, it must be doing something because, well, all of you are still here. I'm just going to make this as brief as possible, if that's possible at all. A little background information, incase you're interested. My name is Whitney, I've lived in Florida all my life, and I'm 17 years old. Everything was great until I turned 14.. I think that's just when I saw the world for what it really was.. I was well behaving and had it pretty good.. In 8th grade, my next door neighbor told me he liked me, but I wasn't interested and made it clear to him that I still wanted to be friends. He started spreading rumors about me, and it just progressed over time until he became abusive. I was tormented in and out of school by him, and I had to stay home for the final dance because he had cracked my ribs. I didn't know at the time that I had the power to stop him. Well anyways, that went on until the summer before 9th grade, when I went to party and was raped by a friend of the host. That changed me forever. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to go outside, I just wanted to be alone. I started cutting myself. It started with little slices and moved to huge gashes, all down my arms, legs, hips, thighs, stomach- you name it, it was cut. I also began experimenting with some recreational drugs. Over time, I lost the ability to cry and everything was solved with a quick slash on the wrist. I began pushing people away, my family, everyone.. Then a few months later, with this new habbit still going, my best friend, that had stuck with me through everything passed away in a car accident. My grades slipped, and I started experimenting with more hardcore drugs. I also went through a few very abusive (both emotionally, and physically) boyfriends, and after the last one, (which ironically I am back together with right now), I ran away. I came back after a week, not because anyone went searching for me, but because I realized I had nowhere to run to. My parents FINALLY caught on that something was wrong, and sent me to see a psychologist. I went through about 4 of them before I found one I liked and was able to open up to. Although she and I both knew I wasn't going to stop cutting, it was good to be able to talk about my problems. At one point I attempted to kill myself by taking a bunch of pills, but before any major damage was caused I was admitted to the ER. I almost had heart failure, seeing as my heart was going 140 beats/minute. I remained in the ICU for a week while they evaluated me and released me. I haven't attempted anything since, and even though I still have feelings and thoughts of suicide, I keep them to myself, and I'm ultimately scared of NOT dieing and being stuck with irreversible damage. Now I'm up to my Junior year in High School. My grades are back up, and I've made amends with a lot of old friends. I still cut myself every so often, because I have a tendency to let things build up until they're not fixable. Anyways, I guess I just wanted to write all that, so you know what I've been through, and you know I can relate. I'm here if any of you want to talk, I don't judge people, and I'm a great listener. I will also give the advice I wish someone would have given to me, not just what you want to hear. I won't be able to tell you to stop, but I can tell you from experience my opinions on certain issues. Well, so much for my brief update lol. Hopefully I will have another one soon. Take care you guys! Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: the interpreter (4 Comments | Comment on this)
8:23p	I want everything to stop. I want to sit in a dark room for the rest of my life. I want to run away. I want to die. I want to be fixed. I want to be broken because I know I cant be fixed. I want drugs. I want to bleed. I just want everything to leave me alone. I dont want money, homework, stress, or drugs. Everything crashing down on me. I want to loose weight but I know that Im "average" it just seems gross to me. I want to be admitted to that stupid hospital that they wanted to admit me to before. I dont even care anymore. I want to die but I know Ill regret it, I know I have to stay alive. Please let me hide and sleep. I know they wont, but I wish I was able to. All the pressure is breaking me. Its hurting me and breaking me. Ill collapse soon and theyll wish they gave me a break. Im being beaten down by all this pressure. Help me. Im sorry sorry that this is a weird entry and not much to do with cutting but to tell you the truth, I dont really give a fuck. <3 Liv Current Mood: drained (2 Comments | Comment on this)
9:53p	hey peeps, ok so i cut... like the other day in the bathroom befor ei took a shower. It was pretty deep adn was bleedying for a long time. well its been like a day ro so, and my mom notices.. *shit*.. she gets all weepy and is like sayign that she can't trust that im getting better. she thought i was doign so well blah blah... the thing is I AM doing better. i am good, its just cutting is addicting. and liek she says she doesnt knwo i she really wants me to go to college next year ebcuase she doesnt want to just send me away knowing ill just mutilate. and like, she gets all depressed about it and is liek WHAT AR EYOU USING.. im like.. ugh. i dunno she is going ot tell my dad too. it sucks. i am doin gbetter, i just liek to cut on the side. she said she thought i quit.. wtf? no. anywho.... i hate when i make ym mom sad. Current Mood: worried Current Music: coldplay (Comment on this)
11:59p	i always stare at the ground when people pass me on the sidewalk a hood on the bus, a glance through the window i can feel your nonchalance sense the scene set before me, i can interpret your silence. you are disconnected and i am cut off feeling truncated my chest implodes all over myself and im sorry if it bothers you watch me fade away like something hidden buried in memories, disentegrating into eternity i spin in a muddy field comprehending infinity the sky looms above like something forbidden and wondorous i want it to fill me up, i try to inhale the sky through my eyes, hoping that if i take a big enough hit maybe this time i can be happy for real Current Mood: stoned Current Music: radiohead (4 Comments | Comment on this)

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