Saturday, October 15th, 2005

Time	Event
4:43a	Greetings ..? So. I'm Mindy. I'm new to this wonderful little community. I feel weird to be introducing myself via online. Whatev. So obviously I'm a cutter. I've been so since roughly 7th grade. I'm now 18 and graduated from High School and on my way to being a cosmetologist. Etc. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. There are few who know that I even cut, I've stopped for about 6 months. And I'm really happy with myself, I'm somewhat tired of being covered in scars. But I do have the constant itching to do it. I guess I'm just looking for advice from fellow "cutters" .. that sounds so .. meh. Well thats all for now .. I really don't know what to write .. ?? Add me? Talk to me? blah? Yeah. I'm real good with the intros .. obviously .. Ha. Current Mood: embarrassed Current Music: The Cure - Lost (3 Comments | Comment on this)
11:46a	so. the whole Mitch thing ... wow. i really was like. in lust. before we started going out. and he asked me out on monday. and like this past week. i was like ignoring him in a sense. and i just dont want this to happen. i hate breaking people's hearts. i feel so horrible. and i dont like it. at all. and i know he likes me. and i never should have said yes to him when he asked me out. we never talk. and we. ugh. i just dont want any of this happening. i want to go back to how things used to be. even if that means. hurting. but i was in love. and so that's all that matters. and i truly was in love. man. i'm so stupid. it's my fault that i broke up with my boyfriend of almost 1.5 years. it really had nothing to do with him. i'm just too stupid and too self absorbed to know otherwise. and so yes. i did cut last night. everything is sooo messed up. ever since i broke up with Nic. like the past two "relationships" i've had. havent worked out. and i dont know why. and i wondered why. and i came to the conclusion last night that i probably still like Nic. and that really isnt good. idk. and so i cut. an X on my knuckle. and tried on my ribs. but that didnt really work. and on my hip bone. like. by my waist. but those really never turn out to anything great. so whatev. and i was straightening my mother's hair this morning and she was like "what did you do to your knuckle?" and i flat out lied and told her that i didnt know. and she believed me. [[ wow. i am going to Hell. ]] but. i just need a break. maybe the reason i dont like Mitch anymore is cuz i liked the whole single scene. i could flirt with anyone i wanted. and i didnt have to be tied down to one person. wow. i just made myself sound like a whore. but whatev. so be it. i dont really care anymore. on the plus side. i'm 15 now. =/ Current Mood: jealous (4 Comments | Comment on this)
7:35p	So I stopped cutting for about 3 months now and I was really proud of myself. I actually stopped because i realized thing were getting better in my life. I met this guy and I really thought he liked me. He basically saved me from myself. Then he started to act all distant and I really don't think he likes me anymore. Now I feel like everything is just going wrong again. With my dad leaving and my mom breaking down all the time. With my friends always being on my case about everything and why I'm not the person I used to be last year. I've been trying real hard not to atart cutting again, but I feel like I'm gonna break any day now. I blame the guy. He gave me hope and then he killed it (Comment on this)
9:37p	sunshine, where are you My shadow multiplies itself upon the concrete my feet walk between the lines, colouring walls instead of getting my hands dirty no red lights here, no crumbled towers no ruins to frolick in throw my heart against a wall to see it splatter such a pretty picture, so post-modern she licks her lips and rolls her eyes i can't find you inside of your stare anymore, what's there is faded what's there is grey you revel in your status as something special well you aren't so special anymore my shadow multiplies itself upon concrete a silhouette of something hollow the layers of light create delusions of grandeur the fire inside sparks until the rain hits crimson tide to gut my insides poisonous ebbing and flowing, leaving traces of the anger that crawls across my skin this pointed edge i walk jumps back at me skidding across my innocence reversing the intent and my reflection states what i clearly cannot say\ i bleed for you, and it kills me. when i turned 20 i thought to myself: how old will i be when i finally manage to stop?. i realized in that moment that it had been about four days since i had cut, and that i hadn't been 20 yet the last time i did it. so i was thinking, like....maybe it's a sign that this is finally my time. my time to be free. and then i realize that i dont even really want to quit, and that this preoccupation with giving it up only really goes as far as me wishing my scars weren't visible to potential mates. haha. potential mates. welcome to biology class. im such a geek sometimes. (i could have deleted that and saved myself, but i feel like it would somehow be ingenuine.) im having a weird night tonight. i have lots of weed to smoke, though! just got home from buying a fat quarter... mmmm.... blueberry/juicy fruit hybrid. gotta love AAA weed. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well im off, to read, and listen to music, and blaze, and think of her ((if you read this, i hope you're ok.)) Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: blackstar - respiration (1 Comment | Comment on this)

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