Thursday, October 13th, 2005

Time	Event
7:14a	Well i havent writen in a few days. My week has just been hell me and this boy had been "seeing eachother" and ugh why do boys have to be soo stupid seriosally. he comes to my house kissing holding me everything that im afraid of i didnt want to let my guard down and like him because i knew it would end horribly because it always does i cant handle being hurt again not being able to cope with life because of a stupid boy. And of course i listened to my best friend when she told me "trust him he WONT hurt you" wow what a lie im hurt again beacuase i like him im soo done with boys now. no matter what im not letting my guard down. Im soo Stupid =/ And then my ex-boyfriend form 9 months was for some reason in my 2nd hour. That tore me to pieces just looking at him remembering all the memories all the fights the times he told me he "loved" me . I just broke down and started balling my eyes out and i wanted to cut soo badly i was pinching my wrists trying to scratch them anything because of course i didnt bring my razor. Only if i had it uhh things wouldnt be soo hard right now it would be just amazing. I just lost my best friend from 4th grade to drugs and shes just throwing her life away. My dad wont stop drinking i had physical therapy today and he was supposed to pick me up at 6:00 and it turnes 6:30 nobodys there to pick me up thats pretty pathetic my own dad forgets me there!! i feel so loved. Im just soo far gone now i cant handle anything and people think i have this just "perfect life" i hate it sooo much because if only one of those people could come live my life i would love to see how they could survive. My arms/legs. Are torn to shreds i love it soo much. but yet at the same time i hate it soo much i just want to go get wasted forget about EVERYTHING. and leave this life. Ughh ♥ Carissa Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment | Comment on this)
1:56p	*Another wasted breath, again it goes unnoticed. Sometimes, I get so mad. Usually at myself. I hate that I do not feel like I can control what I do to my own body. It is my god damned body and everybody deserves the right to be able to handle it. I should be able to cut on myself, but I should also be able to say no to the need to cut, more so, resist the urges to harm myself. Maybe that is my problem. I say that I am harming myself, but I do not really believe that I am causing "harm"...like...hurt. I am so pissed about all of my scars. Last night I was thinking about all of them and how bad I want to go into fashion merchandising and model and everything....but the scars on my theighs... I will never be able to wear mini skirts or shorts again...at least not for a long time... like all the other girls... I want to be beautiful. I want to be scar free. I want to be skinny. I want control of my own body again. Fuck, why does everything have to be so hard? Except, the only thing that seems to effortless of picking up that razor, wrapping my fingers around the blade and dragging it over the smooth scars and skin... Gripping on to the object as hard as I can and beating the shit out of anywhere that will not show,...and sometimes places that do. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Brand New "Sic Transit Gloria, Glory Fades" (1 Comment | Comment on this)
3:42p	*I dont feel well...nor like myself* I am feeling...well I'm not sure...like I think I might wana do something rash...tho I'm not sure...Problem? Current Mood: crappy Current Music: *ICP* (Comment on this)
7:56p	Okay. I dont really know whats going through my head right now. I cut today. I thought I was doing well. I didnt cut last night but I messed it up today without even thinking. I feel completely beaten. I dont even know if beaten is a good word for it. Maybe its just wanting more, or less. I want to be out of here. I dont even care where, if Im poor or lost. I dont care. I just dont want to be here. School is so demanding but somewhere in my mind society has told me that once you leave, you cant go back. Im too young to make that decision. I think about running away every single day. I suddenly want drugs. More than weed. I want everything. I want everything to go away. I dont want to think, I want a break. I want to be drunk, maybe. I have too much work to do to be drunk. I have work tomorrow. I hate work so much but I need money. Thats the problem. Its always the problem, money. If it wasnt for money, Id be long gone. I wouldnt worry about "throwing away my future". It seems like I have to finish all this schooling and then everything will just be fine. But what if I cant wait that long? Maybe I just want things to end. Maybe Im just too tired. And maybe Im just too sick. I hate how things change and how people harden like they do. I think people are sort of like cuts. The cut heals and hardens and everytime you look at it, you remember what it was but it can never be the same again. I want to leave but I cant. I feel like Im always waiting. What am I waiting for? Im sorry if this was long. <3 Liv Current Mood: distressed (1 Comment | Comment on this)
11:49p	*I backed my car into a cop car the other day, well he just drove off - sometimes life is okay I got the call at 3:04pm today that I have to be in Houston, Texas by nine am Monday morning to check in to the residential treatment facility that I am going to for "six to eight weeks." I thought I was ready. But I am not. I cried all afternoon, I cried at Wal-Mart while I was on the phone. I am crying right now. Right as things start to go better for me. Right as I begin to get settled and situated after moving here. Right after Mike and I start hanging out again. Right when my best friend/little sister is having changes in her life. Right when my most awesome older sister has enough stress in her life without me going away... I have to leave. FUCK Current Mood: scared Current Music: Modest Mouse "Float On" (3 Comments | Comment on this)

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