Wednesday, October 12th, 2005

Time	Event
1:10p	*I think theres something wrong here* Hey everyone, how are you all doing? Much better I would like to hope, however one can only hope. Well I have a ? for you all...so I have moved on from cutting *yay me*, but I find myself wanting something other then that. Drugs. My boyfriend used to do them, my dad does them, my mom used to, and my best guy friend does them. Well a few days ago me, my boyfriend, and my best guy friend all had a sleep over. Well my best guy friend was doing weed, and I kinda like the smell wen you smoke it. And I was not used to this...so while I was in the room with them...they say I got high. However I dont remember anything like that happening, but I will bealve them...but I am not sure what to do.? I dont wana do Drugs *I think*, and I'm not sure if cutting was the only way out...and now that thats gone...I want to do Drugs??? I'm not sure...just wondering if you all had any ideas of what was going on. If not thats cool too...stay strong everyone! Current Mood: confused Current Music: *Slip Little One, Slip* (3 Comments | Comment on this)
7:27p	down we go. the past two days have been hard. yesterday i went to a veiwing for my grandfather, open casket. i walked over to him and just broke down. i cried infront of him for an hour and a half. i miss him so much. i talked to him in my head, said everything i never got to say before. i dont know if he actually heard it, but it was something that was needed to be done. i said i was sorry that he had to see who i really was now. i couldn't cut for this pain. i just couldn't, it felt like i was cutting into him. i didn't want to feel that way when i did it. so i didn't. i need to though. today was the funeral, i cried my eyes out in the church. placed infront of the cross, i cringed. but i love my grampa. when they carried his casket to the car i cried even harder, because it hit me where we were going...well, i knew where we were going, i just didnt want him to go. i stole one of his roses off of the flower arrangements and it's hanging from my ceiling now. i sat after the funeral, in the church basement drinking tea for 3 hours...watching everyone smile and laugh around me...i couldn't join in though. i just sat there in a daze, wishing it was over. i'm thinking i might just take a few sleeping pills and pass out in my bed...grad pictures tomorrow.....sigh...great, my face is going to be all swollen from crying. ahh, i just can't stop crying....i stop, then break down again. i miss him so much. i wish this would pass. i wish everything would just pass. now i'm waiting for my nana to go too, she doesn't want to live anymore. she's so tired of being in a hospital...she's slowly dying too. if she goes i'm going to be a wreck. i wish it didn't hurt. "better now that you're here." Current Mood: depressed (2 Comments | Comment on this)

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