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Monday, October 10th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 1:31a | the sharper the edge the cleaner the wound. so i'll be keeping it dull tonight for i deserve to hurt yeah so i'm new here. i've been cutting for 2 years. i got discovered in january. been hospitalized twice. i didn't cut for about a month but i'm starting it over again. it's my way of talking. my body is my journal that only i can read. i don't bother hiding my scars anymore but when i get new cuts i do hide those. everybody thinks i've stopped. they tell me how proud they are. i feel so bad though. and i know my dad wouldn't want me to be doing this but. (he's dead) oh well. i haven't been cutting as much or as deep than i use to. sometimes i'd count how many new cuts i had a day after i did them/right before i made more. usually it was 170-300. and about 30 would be deeper. but tonight i cut FAT at the top of my right leg. and UGLY on the top of my left. and UGLY on my stomach. and 17 on my wrist. and about 40 on my shoulder. and NEVER GOOD ENOUGH on my ankle. but i made the mistake of cutting on my wrist because i'm on the volleyball team and the balls are hard and it's gonna hurt like a bitch. well i guess that could be good. yeah i'm done. if anyone wants to add me on myspace feel free!: www.myspace.com/tabbyisforlovers Current Mood:  guiltyCurrent Music: bayside |
| 1:31a | the sharper the edge the cleaner the wound. so i'll be keeping it dull tonight for i deserve to hurt yeah so i'm new here. i've been cutting for 2 years. i got discovered in january. been hospitalized twice. i didn't cut for about a month but i'm starting it over again. it's my way of talking. my body is my journal that only i can read. i don't bother hiding my scars anymore but when i get new cuts i do hide those. everybody thinks i've stopped. they tell me how proud they are. i feel so bad though. and i know my dad wouldn't want me to be doing this but. (he's dead) oh well. i haven't been cutting as much or as deep than i use to. sometimes i'd count how many new cuts i had a day after i did them/right before i made more. usually it was 170-300. and about 30 would be deeper. but tonight i cut FAT at the top of my right leg. and UGLY on the top of my left. and UGLY on my stomach. and 17 on my wrist. and about 40 on my shoulder. and NEVER GOOD ENOUGH on my ankle. but i made the mistake of cutting on my wrist because i'm on the volleyball team and the balls are hard and it's gonna hurt like a bitch. well i guess that could be good. yeah i'm done. if anyone wants to add me on myspace feel free!: www.myspace.com/tabbyisforlovers Current Mood: guiltyCurrent Music: bayside |
| 11:02a | happy birthday sunshine;) worst sleep. i woke up about every 15 minutes, then this morning i would sit there looking out my window and suddenly fall asleep, wake up an hour later. now i'm so out of it, i don't know what the hell is wrong with me today. i look at my reflection what a defect. eyes glossed over, why do i feel like there is something i need to cover? sure, you think i'm pretty have you seen me undone? have you put yourself in my skin? it stings. all that forbiden skin, breath stained with gin. i don't think you could handle being in. it would kill you, like it kills me. you would just want to be set free. like me. Current Mood: out of it. Current Music: Spill Canvas - Polygraph, Right Now |
| 1:37p | "if this is giving up, then i'm giving up" "desprately close to a coffin of hope. driving away from the wreck of the day, and i'm thinking about calling on Jesus." i'm so sorry. what can i say. how do you believe when you never have before? how do you know for sure, that there is someone there. to take care of that body you can't stand. how do you know if someone else will do it for you? how can you be sure? stumble, fumble the bible in your hands. you're not meant to stand, just kneel and you can feel the hope. but i'm sorry i don't. i won't. i can't. i'm only meant to stand. i fall to my knee's all the time, but you've never picked me up you make me feel like i'm such a fuck up. so save me, and blame me. but i won't ever get down on my knee's. so please can you stop pleading? too many times i try to get away. how can i stand myself?! i want to swallow my fist, i cant take it. i feel like i've done everything wrong. everything i have ever tried to do, i've screwed it up. i feel like i'm going crazy. everything looks so strange, i just want to be OKAY! i screwed myself over and i can't change that, but now it's like i can't do anything but. ... sigh .... i just want to be okay. Current Mood:  confused |
| 8:56p | Over time I've learned to sit there and not show my pain. I try to make people believe that I'm happy. But tonight I was driving home from my aunts house and it was raining. And I was thinking about everything I've lost and how you cant take breaks. How every morning I have to wake up and go to school and then I have a couple days off but I have to get up on Monday again and go to school. And how school is so hard and I have to try and do well to show them that nothings wrong. I thought about how life will always be a struggle for me. And my stomach hurt like usual and my eyes were fighting the tears. And I blinked like usual but tonight, tears fell. And I sat with my hood up in the back seat looking out the window and the tears wouldnt stop. I tried to make them stop but they kept coming. And the more they fell the more came. Finally I wiped them away and once I was home I came upstairs and no one noticed. And thats how I wanted it to be. I cant fight it anymore. I'm ready to cut up my skin. I'm so sick of trying to be okay. I'm so sick of being sick all the time. I'm so sick of everything but I wont give up. I'm sorry that this was long. It's my first REAL post in this community. I'm really sorry if it was too long. <3 Liv Current Mood: crushed |
| 9:35p | oh-so alone one of my best friends died on October 6th she killed herself overdosed someone shoot me, please ♥ |
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