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Sunday, October 9th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 2:04a | Where to being, im once again, confused! Nic says he loves me with all his heart... but he said that last time =S... He says he wont leave me...but he said that last time aswell =( I keep thinking Nic's gunna break up with me, i just have to look at him and its the first thing that pops up into my head! My scars are annoying me! The healing cuts are.. hmm...pissing me off too. *Crying away at my computer desk* What do i do? *Love Yoo All* |
| 3:01a | fucking fuck n fuck some one PLEASE mail me a blade or something... im shamless and hopeless.. ugh FUCK dont even look at me .. i cnat even cut .. nothing to cut wit .... i stuck a pin through my arm tho ....ugh FUCK...... ~Odie Current Mood:  distressedCurrent Music: bleeding mascara ~Atreyu |
| 9:03a | Hey guys. I haven't posted in a long time because I've been grounded from the computer =\ So I missed out on all that went on with you guys. With me, nothing really happened. I have cut, but they're not bad. I think I only do it sometimes just to DO it, not because I have a big emotion problem at that moment. Some of my other ones are healing, which is good because other girls in my changeroom are starting to stare, lol. Well anyways, there is this contest for school and my english teacher is making it mandatory for my class. The theme is " I Wonder Why " and we have to write a short story that goes along with that theme. It can't exceed 2,000 words. But I have NO IDEA what to write about! I love writing and I think I'm good at it, but when I HAVE to write, I just can't do it, ya know? And it can't be in the form of poetry, which sucks because I already have tons of poems I could have used. So do any of you creative artists out there have any ideas? lol. If I could just get a story line down then I could write it no problem. PLEASE help ! hehe ;] well thanks to everyone who is trying to help & hope all is well xXx love, font face=DCWri>meggan ♥ Current Music: ICP - Boogie Woogie Woo |
| 10:42a | I need him..I need him to be there for me...I need him to put his arms around me, to come up to me and kiss me, to say he loves me... But I know he nvr will that I should stop torturing myself with hoping he will like me once, while I know somewhere deep inside that that is never gonna happen. He is not the kind of guy that would like me. He is the kind of guy that only falls for thin, pretty gurls.Not like me...just an average gurl thats a bit too fat... The annoying thing is he once actually DID like me..maybe even loved me..and I trew that away just because I was still in love with my exboyfriend a bit (who was on that moment 3000km far away in Holland)..I should've nvr done that..Why did I tell him that I stopped liking him while deep inside I knew I couldnt live without him hugging me and kissing me... And nobody understands that I can't forget him...that I can't stop liking him...Can't stop hating all the gurls he flirts with...Hating the gurl that he always hangs around that is so pretty and thin and PERFECT..big boobs, long brown hair, perfect white smile, totally innocent (doesn't smoke, drink etc)...U know the kind of gurls... Then u have me: chubby gurl, almost flat chested, a not so perfect white smile and not so innocent anymore... Since a week ago I'm dreaming about suicide...taking too much pills to be specific...and I noticed that I'm not scared of those dreams..that I even think it maybe would be better if I was dead...And if I won't end up dead how everyone would react...If they would nvr talk to me again because they would be scared of me or that they would actually start caring about me...I would probably be kicked out of school because they think I would've a bad influence on the students..*sight* Thats how my school is....totally psyched about everything that is not happy faces, rainbows and sweet...We got this topic in art that was called : Beyond repair. And I drew this gurl cutting up her arm...My artteacher freaked out and asked me why I drew it...So I made up this story about having this friend that used to cut herself and shit( not that I don't have a friend that used to cut herself but that was not why I drew it...) she believed me but made sure I ended up sitting at the schoolpsych the next day during lunch to repeat the whole story over again...B*TCH...I told her I didnt wanna talk to that woman...she is crazy...she always smiles and she's nvr I repeat NVR sad...That's just freaky okey... So I tried to go away there as soon as possible...They still believe at school that Im the same as everyone there..happy faces, rainbows and sweet... If they only knew how wrong they were... sorry for my long vent... love, iensjj |
| 8:29p | it hurts so bad way deep inside you know and its like idk like you dont wanna wake up but you dont wanna sleep anymore i want to talk to someone since everyone says it will help but i don't even know what it would say i don't think anything would help wow.. i'm so pathetic.. Current Mood:  numb |
| 9:56p | something feels so wrong. i'm just so empty. i hate this so much more then anyone could ever know. sitting in his house, at his dinner table just felt so wrong. i miss him so much. i went to my grandma's and grampa's house today for thanksgiving. i slept in his chair in the basement for most of the time. i cried in my aunts arms, at the dinner table, in the living room, and in the car on the way home. i still hear his voice in my head, how when i would see him i'd say "how are you?" and he'd always reply, "better now that you're here." it started to sink in a little bit on the way home that i wouldn't be able to hear that voice ever again, and his face is now just a memory. ....sigh....i just want to be okay. i'm so tired of being unhappy all the time. i'm so tired. *cries* i dont even know what to do anymore. i don't know how to react to anything ... my reactions are usually always the same, i always cry, i'm always unhappy, i'm always sad. why can't i be happy!? this is going to be a hard week. .....sigh...but i'll get through it. Current Mood: crying |
| 10:35p | Tonight is the night for a good cut. Yes. It is. i hate you, i hate me, i hate this. i hate the guilt, i hate the blade, i hate the Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: Reminiscent songs from my past. |
| 10:47p | *Touch the moment, fall forever... This weekend was simply wonderful. Michael texted me on Saturday evening and we ended up hanging out. Michael found out last spring shortly after we met that I cut. Never was it a real issue. One day I wore a mini-skirt and I am positive he saw the scars on my upper theighs. Wellll.... I was afarid that if we hung out we would end up doing stuff and he would see all the bruises and whatnot. We ended up just laying together and fell asleep. It was nice to to have to worry about what he would think when he saw everything... What a great weekend. Hopefully you guys are all hanging in there, too. Current Mood:  happyCurrent Music: Dashboard Confessional "Vindicated" |
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