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Saturday, October 8th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 1:28a | Guess whose back! Yes tis me Gabby. Who missed me? Sorry I haven't posted like I usually do. Sian came in Saturday and we've been hanging out since. Shopping, ordering pizza, and watching loads of movies. I made it a week without cutting. Yay me. Unfortunately as soon as I found out I'd made it a week I took my secret razor and sliced up my poor thigh again. I had no reason except I needed to feel the blade against my skin, making my feel real and alive. I couldn't tell Sian this or Mom who would have found out even if I hadn't spilled the beans. So I told them I had no reason except for I could. Sian took it rather well. Mom on the other hand flipped out. She kept saying if I kept doing this I would have to find another place to live. She made me take off the bandage and show her. It was deep so she freaked out even more. Kept going on about how it should have had stitches and blah blah blah. Sians asleep right now and I'm dying to cut again. Myka's gone and made me promise no more deep ones but if I do swallow I'll end up doing a million just to feel human again. I'm so stressed over it I'm secretly smoking in my room while I usually do it outside. I don't know what to do. I don't want to make anyone else angry at me but at the same time I'm dying to cut. I'm bloody well sick of trying to please everyone else around me. Its like I have to quit the one thing that makes me human for everyone else. Sian keeps waking up everytime I move cause she doesn't want me to cut. I know she understands what I'm going through because she used to cut but its hard damnit. I don't want to stop cutting. I wish I could say that out loud to someone and not get into trouble for it. I know if I tell mom that she'd put me back into the hospital again. I don't want to go back to that hell hole. It didn't help at all. I think I might just cut afterall...I feel so weak for giving in but I feel like I have to. Current Mood:  weirdCurrent Music: |
| 1:35a | i watched them as they fell burning rosaries like memories a sacriligious complaint to jealousy using crystal balls to throw off the enemy why can't we all be the same we're always the same mirror images reflect nothing more than refracted hope tattered like weatherworn notions of something deeper than finality. we move to the rythym of a death march, scythes in hand, balanced for perfection poise amongst chaos invokes a calm destruction consecration of holy ground spilled with fear and desperation deceptive depression, intoxicating consuming the inconsolable dramatic spread out across the floor. walk this road while the sun goes down awaiting dawn with a quota collecting souls to try and fill the void a handfull of something to pacify us to pass the time pacify pass the time pacify. gravity pulls the feet of every mourning heart towards each other shuffling to the death march a magnetic enigma empowering and disarming i resign myself. Current Mood: stoned Current Music: tool - schism |
| 1:36p | "can you help me unravel my latest mistakes?" my grampa's gone, he died this morning. ... i just want to sleep. i'm so tired. so annoyed, so angry, so amused, but so afraid. of everything i have ever been everything no one knows about me. i'm so tired. i just want to go back to bed, but its 1:30 and i have to go to a thanksgiving dinner at my aunts in a couple of hours. i miss him, i'm sorry ... sigh...i dont know what i'm sorry for. i wish he could have never found out i was like this. Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: Anna Nalick - Just Breathe |
| 3:17p | sanctions my nutritionist told on me last night. my mother, since then, has proceded to call me every hour, on the hour, to "talk." this is why i never come clean, cause shit like this happens, and then my mom is on my nuts. its my own fault, i never should have told my nutritionist about that crazy binge i had with the purge that ended in a burst blood vessel in my eye; although when she saw me, she knew. so today i cut. i hope im bleeding forever, or at least until the bad mood passes... Current Mood:  crankyCurrent Music: haraise, haraise - yoko kanno |
| 3:20p | .s.o..s.l.i.c.e..o.p.e.n..m.y..v.e.i.n.s..a.n.d..l.e.t..t.h.e..r.o.m.a.n.c.e..b.l.e.e.d..a.w.a.y. it's been a long time.. a long time since i've posted a long time since i've felt this way a long time since i've c.u.t i thought i would be ok but i was wrong i thought i could finally live normal again i actually felt good i was actually happy.. in a sense i realize now that i was right when i said i couldn't live without this without cutting i was right about something for once: life really does suck. p.s. i missed you all Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: The Used - Let it Bleed |
| 3:33p | hey everyone, Just back of a week long trip with school...It was okey exept for the smoking, drinking ban... :-| I thought I was gonna die...Not able to cut and not able to smoke or drink...It was soo hard... I wished every day that I could go back home..Not that it is all that great here but still better than with 3 people in one tiny little hotelroom with no space whatsoever for urself and not able to smoke...I was so lucky nobody payed attention to me when we went swimming! Cause my leg still looks pretty bad...thursday I got a really cool hennatattoo on my shoulderblade, 3 stars :) My friend is gonna perform with his band in this cafe today and me and my friend are gonna watch! I nvr heard him play bfore so im really curious if he is actually good... I didnt cut for a week now...not gonna be able to make that 2 weeks I think...I hope I will... <3 iensjj Current Mood: numbCurrent Music: |
| 9:35p | un-conscience i dont know things are falling aoart again.. every thing is going upside down .. i need pills when ever i hear ppl talk about suicide or ODing on pills or cutting i always want to ... how many pills does it take to get knocked out but not die? ive always wanted to know any answers please? i really to be put in a hospital ..id rather be there and talk to ppl who cut and stuff than be here and feel weird cause ppl always say "i hate cutters they are fags" i hate it i want to be with ppl who understand me .. ugh im so fucking sick of this!!!!! any thoughts of getting un-conscience??? please i need it bad!! Krista (aka Odie) Current Mood: craving for the blade Current Music: school of assasians |
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