Thursday, October 6th, 2005

Time	Event
9:41a	Cute without the E Hey guys, hope ure doing great! Ive been going through a lot of changes an rough periods and last night i couldnt hold on: I feel like shit cuz i cut this big NO in my leg... i did it so hard that there are some bruises near the cuts, my skin is ripped and it hurts like fuck. I dunno why i did it, i just felt like writing NO all over my skin... tho i wanted to do it with a pen i took my razor instead, it was creepy but kinda nice too, u know. Now i just feel like crying everytime i look at my leg... :( Anyways, i had to share this with u... Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
11:43a	*Beauty queen of only eighteen, she had some trouble with herself Yesterday I saw my psychologist. Right now, the focus is pretty much off of my cutting since there are other issues that I am dealing with right now (ie. body image and eating disorder crap). At the beginning of next month makes two full years of seeing her. Wow - what a time. When I first started going I had already began cutting, but it was another full year before I confessed to it. Everytime she or my psychiatrist would ask me about thoughts of self-harm, I always felt such mixed emotions. On one hand, I would feel like I was such a fake, lying to them about one of my deepest secrets - but on the other hand, I felt so much better, because I did not cut to hurt myself per se... It is so much more than that. Alright, I have a question. Never have I carved a word into my skin, but so many cutters do. Do you? If so, why? If not, why not? A few times I have felt the urge, but I never let myself... I have no idea why, it just does not feel ...right? Current Mood: nostalgic (4 Comments | Comment on this)
6:00p	the ongoing fight your skin suffers more then you do why isn't there a button for life that says "undo" ? getting through the days has never felt more like a job. you've never felt more like hell then you do now. how did you manage to get in this deep, when all it seems you do is sleep cry bleed. one day you won't need to convince yourself you can be something else. one day you won't need to force yourself from the bed always searching for a pulse that you wish would fade. hide behind that image just a bit longer. maybe it will make you stronger. searching for a path that feels right, maybe you should just try and fall asleep on your own tonight. Current Mood: disappointed (2 Comments | Comment on this)
6:22p	"i feel like i'm standing naked infront of a crowd, 'cause this is my diary screaming out loud." just a day. that's all these seem to be. just a day. i'm just as far in as i am out. my voice is so sickly, heh ... my stupid cold has turned into just a deep voice and cough...i think i sound like a man ... but if i were on "friends," it would be considered Monica's sexy voice ... i watch too much of that show. heh i'm so tired of these feelings ... but everytime i cut in i feel like "new" ... i don't even know. maybe if i felt horrible everytime i did it i'd never do it again. .. i really don't know if i do it for the blood or not? i think it's the feeling ... but i like the blood too. ... that's messed up. i'm struggling to write an essay right now. usually that's what i'm best at doing in english but right now writing about homicides in canada doesn't feel right. i can't seem to process anything in my head out onto the paper. i hate those mind blanks that happen. all i can think about is cutting, writing feelings, and where i want to runaway to, who i want to runaway to. save me. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: blink 182 - stay together for the kids (1 Comment | Comment on this)
10:31p	You guys, thank you so much for opening up and telling me whats up. Ya, like a lot of those things are things im afraid will happen when i deciedd to do ti wiht Shane, (tonight was our 6th months date) Im so deeply in love with him and i want to have sex with him.. but im the type that gets really ashamed and feels dirty after and i knida wanted to save it until like i was older because of my God relationship.. and also cutting is a factor.. but i won't get intot hat, but thank you all for letting me kno whats up. Its helped me figure out stuff with myself (1 Comment | Comment on this)

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