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Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 9:52a | my friends were in a bad car accident. could everyone send good luck and hope wishes. prayers if your religious, vibes if youre a hippie.. you know that kinda stuff?? im so worried. Current Mood:  worried |
| 6:52p | newbie new here... a cutter for at least 4 years, its been so long i cant remember. ana/mia too. although i just totally binged, and then started cutting...im a weirdo. my life's a mess. i enjoy reading your stories, though they break my heart. take care... -xoxo Current Mood:  fullCurrent Music: chonkyfire - outkast |
| 8:58p | Like they know anything... You spend 15min with a psychiatrist, and they just give you anything they think will make you happy.. You hurt yourself, and they think it's just sooo fucking easy to stop... Blah, the moral to the story is I went to my first psychiatrist yesterday and I'm on Zoloft for a while... AND my therapist doesn't understand I don't want to stop hurting myself. ::sigh:: I don't know, I just needed to let this out... ..nat.. Current Mood:  pissed off |
| 9:33p | "life's like an hourglass glued to the table" i spent the day walking around Toronto ... shopping on Queen Street. It's so relaxing for me, i don't know why i feel so at home there. I keep trying to figure it out in my head, so far the best i've come up with is that being in a crowd doesn't make me feel so exposed. I feel like myself and that i don't have to be different because everyone i walk past in Toronto is so different, they look so different...it makes me feel at peace with myself. It makes me feel at ease with "being different." ... even though, i know everyone is different ... i've just always felt like the odd girl out, so alienated. i talked to my counsellor today ... i actually talked and felt listened to. i told her i didn't want to stop cutting. i said " i dont want to stop" ... i said it about five times to her. she said that's alright, that she can't make me stop. but i kind of felt rude, she gave me some options and tried to give me an example of what I was feeling.. haha ... so i said "i'm sorry, i don't mean to sound rude ... but i don't think someone who hasn't experienced cutting can explain what it's like." i felt horrible after saying that but i didn't want to lie ... and she said she completely understands that. we agreed to disagree. when she said "we can agree to disagree" all i thought was ... "geese, everyone says that to me." my dad ALWAYS says those exact words to me. i explained to her when i cut i sometimes do it when i'm happy ... then i thought about that ... maybe i cut when i'm happy because cutting is a relaxer for me. maybe i cut to make the 'happiness' last longer. i want things to last. i'm starting to analyse things too much, heh. ... i've had a picture of these chinese symbols that say "breathe" in my bag for about a year now... it's what i want for my next tattoo. i want it to cover my scar . . . scars on my wrist ... so (this sounds cheesy) everytime i think of cutting my wrists or wanting to kill myself i can look at it and remember to breathe ... hopefully i'll have it by the end of the year, but right now i have to wait for the scar to fade a little bit ... well so it's not at least pink still. breathe Current Mood:  curiousCurrent Music: Anna Nalick - Breathe |
| 10:18p | *Messed Up* I am so messed up...Ive just finished all my art work, and it took me.. forever! I wanna laugh and cry at the same time. Things are going well between me and my boyfriend. I love him so much. If he was messing me around, or like.. said he didnt wanna be with me no more.. i think i really would kill myself this time round. Yoo know when yoo just dunno what to do with yourself, like yoo dunno wether to sing or dance?? Get me? Ohh wells if yoo dont! I've given up trying to be *thin*! It's never gunna happen! I'm so ugly =S Makes me feel sick just looking at myself in mirror!!! I have PE tomorrow... Oh the JOY! My scars on my arms look... pretty, well in my eyes they do, but people have sort of clicked on i think (that i cut). *Love Yoo All* xXxXxXx Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: Blink 182- I Miss You |
| 10:23p | good morning sunshine adding to the collection of 156 scars, i cut myself over 100 times last night on both my thighs. im so sore. i went to sleep last night for about half an hour. as i lay on the downstairs couch, listening to the kitchen clock tick-tock, tick-tock, i knew what i had to do. for four days my mind has been firmly on the blade, but time and happenstance had managed to allude me from performing the dirty deed until last night. i pulled myself up, ran upstairs to the bathroom, grabbed my knife and some tissues, and went back downstairs. my brother was asleep and nobody else was home, so i just pulled down my pajama pants, and started to cut. my blade was getting dull and i was getting frustrated, so i snapped the end off. it's one of those small adjustable knives with the retractable blades. so after i snapped the blade it was much much better. i started to cut two inch long incisions all over my legs, in haphazard rows and quatrains of misery. the blood ran together and i dutifully mopped it up, all the while channel surfing until finally landing on a movie channel on tv. i thought about how i was cutting myself while lying on my mother's boyfriend's leather couch, watching his tv, and how they don't even want me. well here's to you. i need to get the fuck out of this place. ive started to feel like giving up and getting motivated all at once. i feel as though i am at an impasse. limbo. ahhhh confusion confusion, always confusion. my birthday is on monday. my birthday is never good for my mental health. Current Mood:  distressedCurrent Music: my little needle - alkaline trio |
| 11:01p | My teacher/friend who thinks I should go away asked if she could see my arm, the scars. I was so worried about what she would think, but she was really great about it. I love her so much, but I keep trying to push her away. My therapist thinks that's because I am not used to liking someone and being liked in return and I am scared by that. And my fear of rejection doesn't help matter either. My aunt in Florida has yet to call me back, but I am starting to get over that anyway. Well, hope everyone is well. Current Mood:  drained |
| 11:32p | sex survey help! ok, this post is a question and kind of a physcology help kind of thing, like for myself. if that makes sence. I want to know, , Have you Had sex, if so how ofter or with whom? Does it have any effect on your cutting habits and like, how did you feel after you did it for the first time. if you are a virgin i want to knwo how that effects you too. when did you do it for the first time? Kinda just need details about how sex has impacte dyour life (not details about hte sex) lol. but ya i don't klnow, im kind of stuggling through some things in my life right now, and mabye yiou all can tell me how you have gone through it. Mabye it iwll make this whole journey easier for me. Thanks.. Just post a comment.. mabye this well be a cool helpful topic. Later kidz.. please respond if you feel comfortable. peace up. Current Mood: need help Current Music: none.. yikes |
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