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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 6:27p | day to day i sat there wondering, "how the hell can you look at yourself in the mirror every day ... and get through?" how do i fall asleep every night crying, and when i can't cry ... i wish. i wish for things i could never have. i wish i could be okay, i wish i didn't feel selfish, i wish my parents could understand, i wish i could do things better, i wish i could be smarter, i wish my dreams were possible. but i know ... they aren't. i wish for the things that could never come true. i cry for things that happen, for things that don't happen, for someone i'm not. i can't seem to be anything else. i've always been that person that does half a job, that can't seem to finish anything. my mom tells me over and over again, i "give up." maybe if i really gave up ... well, then i'd just be doing exactly what she says. i just feel so sick all the time. i feel mentally and emotionally sick. i hate the feelings i get. when i am happy it is only for that 62 minutes i talk on the phone. i can't breathe sometimes, i don't want to breathe sometimes. i feel like i have ruined everyones life. i feel like my family thinks i'm a screw-up. i know because i'm the third child i don't and never will have things like my brother and sister had. i dwell on those things too much. my mom admitts i don't have it like they did, and i never will. it hurts to look into her eyes and see how much pain i've caused her. to see those tears run out the corners of her eyes and down to her chin. i hate how she wipes them away then pats my cheek. i feel so horrible, that makes me feel so cruel. i feel like everything i have ever done is wrong and selfish. i feel guilty and useless. emotionally demaged and completely stupid. i hate myself. the question to live is a touchy subject....and right now, there is only one reason. (and i'll stick to it) Current Mood:  crappy |
| 9:43p | good company in good company no one needs to see, the scars you hide behind your jeans caused by all your internal feelings. the bleeding, it's freeing. one more night until you get away. sway, bleed until the hollowness goes away. your eyes seem dead. your life seems meaningless. what you'd give just to set yourself apart, from every horrible memory in your head. from every bad dream that seems to start reminding you of everything you can never set apart. confiding in something without a pulse. you give in just one more time. strive, lie, to be everything you're not. Current Mood: uncomfortable |
| 11:09p | Everyone that knows I cut thinks I should go away to get help. And I am starting to agree with them, however, I was talking to my therapist today and she was saying that I don't need to go away and that it would be a waste for me to go. She made it sound so stupid. I don't know what to do. I really think I should go somewhere, even though the idea scares the shit out of me. What do you all think?? Comment if you can. |
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