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Monday, October 3rd, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 7:20a | I dont think that i can handle anymore from this hell hole or just myslef. my dad is an alcoholic and i get blamed for all his problems and im the screw up in my family i cant handle hearing this anymore saturday night i got yelled at till 5:30 in the morning for nothing at all because i asked me dad to take me to homecomming and he told me never to ask him to do anything with him again i feel horrible i dont know what to do . i just keep getting re-assured that im worth-less and just screw up constantly in this family Im losing friends left and right and i dont know why, i have this stalker still from like 3 years ago that sits outside on his porch everyday when i go to school at 6:30 am and when i get home at 2:30pm everyday he sits out there and watches me walk to and from the bus stop and it creeps me out because my mom is never home when i get home so this is another thing . . i dont get sleep becasue of thinking hes going to come in my house and like rape me its the worst thing to have to think about everynight. I cant listen to a song with out balling my eyes out i was listeing to spill canvas the tide and i just started balling my eyes out. thinkning about my ex. and all the shit i have been through i cant take anything I cut myself last night soo bad. my legs are wrecked. when i cut myself it wouldnt stop bleeding i went through a wash cloth and all this shit trying to make it stop it was just running down my legs and wouldnt stop and when i cut i had brand new razors so when i did it you could see how deep it was and see the skin just tear apart and usually when i cut deep enough i can see my skin turn white and start rippin because its so deep and now i have like gapping wounds on my legs. it was amazing but i truly think they need stitches. Contemplating suicide. x3 Current Mood:  numbCurrent Music: Spill canvas- sunsets & car crashes |
| 5:13p | *There is nothing wrong with me - this is how I am supposed to be, in a land of make believe For so long now, I have felt alone. Only - I think I just recently realized it. Three years ago, my sophomore year in high schooll, I began cutting when my eating disorder was in full swing. Maybe I thought I could cut the fat out of me, drain out the weight. Whatever enticed me to do it, has stuck and changed forms. Over *pause* and over *pause* again. Maybe another thing I should mention is I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Edit-take out ever preconceived notion you think you have of OCD right now-Edit. Ok, good. A person with OCD does not advoid sidewalk cracks, count every step between home and work, necessarily straighten out every thing, wash their hands for three hours a day. A person that has OCD *may do that - but OCD is soooo much more than that. OCD takes over you body...your mind. Leaves you with mental images and thoughts (obsessions) that play over and over again in your head until you are sure they have been burnt into ever creavace of your brain. OCD takes over your body, extending into every limb, reaching out and touching the stove to make sure it is odd, stepping through doors over and over again until it feels right. Sometimes, OCD is just a feeling in conjunction with the compulsions and obsessions. Sometimes, I just feel *wrong. There is not other way to describe it - I do not know... Self-injury, self-mutilation... Whatever one might desire to call it, is serious shit. Help has been offered, I have advoided it, I have decilined it. One thing I have come to realize is nobody and nothing can change me until I am ready to be changed. People getting mad at me, or yelling at me to stop just makes it worse. End. No more for now. |
| 8:23p | Well I was doing well with the cutting. But then I tried to call my aunt in Florida again, and I just keep getting the machine or the babysitter, I am starting to think I am being avoided. I really can't handle any form of rejection, which is kind of funny considering my family. I don't know what to do... I think I might need stiches, but... yeah. I really want to call my teacher, she is like my best friend... but I think that would seem odd. I am planning on calling her tomorrow anyway. I guess I will see. Comment if you feel like it... I could use some friends. |
| 9:09p | *Oh how I dreamed to say such things only then to pretend Ugggh.... So I just beat the shit out of my theigh with a hairbrush so hard that each time I hit my leg, the flesh was broken by the handle. The sound was echoing in the room. Last night I was burning myself with a candle lighter. I was supposed to leave for "treatment" a long time ago, but the place I am going is in Texas, and the hurricane was supposed to go through there - sooo they put off my admission. Now, the insurance is taking forever to do their part, and I have to wait... I sit in my apartment alllll day waiting for my sister to get home so I can buy myself more time until the next time I have to bruise, burn, cut, or scrape. Shit. I hate this. |
| 9:21p | "i need you so much closer" so one thing to the next. i have a cold, bleh, i hate being sick. it makes sleeping even more difficult then it already is. i went to my counselling today. i like her, but then i don't. i know she's "helping" me ... but i just feel so judged when i'm in that room. like she doesn't believe anything i say. that she thinks i'm just some selfish teenager. i always feel so selfish, for thinking anything. i don't understand it. i told her that i cut when i got back from the hospital on thursday ... now she want's me to write in a journal everyday...three times a day. that, for me, is going to be very hard considering i can only seem to write in this journal...sharing my feelings with complete strangers is different. i feel like she's gotten to know me...or that her impression of me is false. that she doesn't even know me, and that just makes it more difficult to open up ... like when i say something she'll be thinking the exact opposite of what i think. am i a hypocrite? i don't know. i think i'm addicted to my sleeping pills too. oh man, heh. that's horrible, but they make me feel so good. so stoned. i take more then i'm supposed to. get all weird feeling, then pass out. i've only been on them for 3 weeks, how can i be addicted? do you think that's possible? i'm craving them now. i'm craving my razor now, but you know when you're sick your whole body hurts...well, i don't want to cut cause i think it will make me hurt more. which is weird. .... because i'm a cutter, i don't usually think that way. i just want to be okay, you know? Current Mood:  drained |
| 9:41p | Physical scars fade, |
| 9:49p | so I gotta go on schooltrip tomorrow till friday, and my leg is like all cut up... :-| And the trip is to the beach...the sunny beach of Turkey...For Fck sake...I totally forgot and now I dont know how Im supposed to hide them...in my bikini on the beach... :-| Wish me luck... love, iensjj |
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