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Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 1:48a | hello I'm new here so I don't know yet how things work around here so... well I just want to say that it's possible to stop cutting, I managed to stop cutting, I haven't cut since April 16th, sometimes I still got the urge to do it, but I can resist it. I wrote a poem about my cutting life, and maybe if you read it, you get an idea how I managed to stop. Little girls poem poor little girl with a razor in your hand, can't you see you've got more then one friend? pain comes instead the pain inside, but that will leave marks which you can't hide. poor little girl can't you see what you've done? your friends feel the pain but don't wanna run. bloodstained razors on the bathroom floor, over the years they've grown more and more. poor little girl with a painful life, you can't answer questions with one sharp knife! bleeding arms and a bleeding knife, can't you see you've destroyed my life?! tears followed after bleeding pain, the pain will leave but the scars remain. after sunshine came the rain, but I've got no reason at all to complain. recovery came with sedative pain, my heart is full of stitches to praise. happy little girl who's no longer in pain, is singing and dancing with sunshine and rain. this little girl who knows life is rough, but after this story she faced life with a laugh. I know this little girl who crossed no river but a sea, I'm looking in the mirror, and she is looking at me... well... I don't know what you think about it, I didn't wrote poems before, and I'm only 15 years old... well... cut safely Current Mood:  lonelyCurrent Music: one - metallica |
| 2:07p | well, by the comments I saw you liked my poem. I've written songs in my ''cutting time''. no poems, this is my very first song, I wrote it when I was 14 years old. Black hole I can't remember the times when everything was just ok. all the clouds have turn black all around me, when will the sun return back into this life? my face smiles but my heart is breaking inside. It's too dark to see when this all will be over. I don't know anymore how it feels to be happy, the only thing I remember is: I felt more then pain and sadness, I saw more then just black clouds in the sky, and when I felt sad there was someone to sheer me up... but now it's all over, it seems that I can't come back out of this black hole, my mind is full of sadness, anger and pain. my heart is broken from all these memories I can't forget, everyone around me is crashing, but I keep on trying to get out of this fucking black hole! I felt more then pain and sadness, I saw more then just black clouds in the sky, and when I felt sad there was someone to sheer me up... why are people like this?! is the god we all love really that great If he let us live this life?! are we really that stupid?! we are just fucking servants of him!, there is no devil, he is the devil! ''he mr. god, don't we have a free period or some?!'' because, if I keep on living this life, I don't think I will stay that long... because this life really sucks!.. I felt more then pain and sadness, I saw more then just black clouds in the sky, and when I felt sad there was someone to sheer me up... my arms are full of scars and I'm bleeding to dead, but why am I still alive? am I allready in hell? or is this just life?! they say shit happens, yeah a fucking lot! I don't love, I don't hate, I don't feel anything. all I feel is pain, and somehow I like the pain of a bleeding me. I once loved, I do love now, but no one loves me. I get love from the pain I give myself. I felt more then pain and sadness, I saw more then just black clouds in the sky, and when I felt sad there was someone to sheer me up... I hurt myself to feel something else then hate or sadness. I don't know why I can't stop, It's just... no one caress... now I see there are people just like me I hate them. they destroy their lives and others. but I don't because I don't have a life with people around me who caress... that was my song, don't mind the last verse, I don't hate you guys. I understand you, and I know you can stop. I've stopped a couple of times before, but never as long as I've stopped now. as long as you find a way to love yourself, people around you will love you too... trust me...it worked on me. never mind if the way write isn't correct english, because I'm dutch. cut safely Current Mood:  hopefulCurrent Music: full moon - sonata arctica |
| 3:12p | ive cut once this week .. it wasnt really a cut just a small stab to the arm .. its my b-day to day wonderful ...NOT i hate my bday its so gay but miranda called and said happy b-day so i guess that was cool Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: gone so young ~ AMBER PACIFIC |
| 8:53p | I'm scared to go to school tomorrow because my mom has to come in for a meeting. My science honors 1 teacher is acusing me of cheating with my lab partner. It's a really long story, but the point is that we didn't cheat and now our parents have to go "have a word with" the teacher, who is a total basket case to begin with. It sucks because we both might get kicked out of science honors and possibly get suspended! All of this over a stupid little quiz that we didn't even cheat on. =\ it was a QUIZ not a test but QUIZ. I would much rather just get suspended because if I do get kicked out of science honors, then it will be on my permenant record that I cheated and that won't look good for me when I start looking at colleges, ya know? I was never suspended before, not even a detention, so if we do get suspended, we'll probably be on the phone all day badmouthing our teacher all day !! haha I could see it now. . . anyways I know that that doesn't have anything to do with cutting, BUT I'm bored and feel like talking about it. I don't expect anyone to care too much though, haha. ok ttyl hope everyone is ok megan ♥ |
| 9:34p | ::sigh:: So..I have the psychiatrist Tuesday at 3:15pm... I don't know, I guess this woman is going to evaluate me so I can be put on medication. My mom is scared that it's going to turn me into a zombie... Is it sad that I would be happy if it turned me into a completely numb and unaware person? I don't know.. Hitting my arm with the hammer is more satisfying than the razor...I think I'd found my new addiction.. I haven't really felt like do much lately.. Just wanting to sleep...that's all. Anyways, how has everyone else been? PS. Is anyone here on medication? And if so...can you tell me what you are on and what it does??? Thanks... Love always, Natalie Current Mood: crappyCurrent Music: At The Drive In-Hourglass |
| 10:27p | So my mom returned from Vegas.. we sat on her bed, and i was weari a skirt, funny thing is i had slashes all on my thigh from when she was away... she pointed and says "whats that?" i put my hand over it so its no longer visable, and just continue to talk with her as though she didn't mention anything. We didn't talk about it again this weekend. i hate when my mom finds ANYTHING out about my cutting. that is seriously like the only thing keeping me from not cutting, i hate to seee my mom disappointed or sad or crying. she gets REALLY upset about that. Current Mood: throat hurts! Current Music: murder she wrote |
| 10:48p | someone has to stop me. im falling falling apart.. cant take the pain cant take anything.. i dont know the diff. between love and hate anymore.. help me come out my big dark pool of blackness.. im done with faking.. im weak.. save me.. please.. [××] ... Ryanne ... [××] Current Mood:  stressed |
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