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Friday, September 2nd, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 1:43a | God do I have a headache or what. I took something for it and its just gotten worse. Today was an a kinda crappy day. I've had people telling me if I am pregnant I won't survive it because I'll either kill myself or kill the baby by cutting *hides* I don't wanna admit to anything. I know I'd have to be off my meds if I am and I can handle that, I hope. I'm just sick of hearing this stuff. i know the riskes and shit like that. My damn bf keeps hinting towards abortion grrr!! I'd never do that. Never! I don't know what to do. I wanna cut so badly right now but theres nothing I can use. Grrrr I just wanna disappear. I take the pregnancy test tomorrow morning so its going to take alot to get me to bed. Right now I'm nursing a cool beer, hoping that I calm down some. Part of it is from the coffee I had tonight. heh. Plus I'm smoking(which is bad I know) but I need something right now if I can't cut you know? I should get my package from mom tomorrow (yay) I need that other shirt and shaver. I'm thinking about breaking open the shaver and using that to cut. I'm damn desprate. I really don't know why I need to cut right now. All I know is its a bad need. *sigh* Current Mood:  drunkCurrent Music: |
| 4:31p | beautiful day. last night was, yet again, HORRIBLE. came home from work at nine. the entire walk home was just like "god, i need to get home now. just pull out that razor and dig it in my leg...walk faster, walk faster." i'm not even kidding, it was like that in my head the whole walk home. so i got home, and i didn't want to cut...and i was so upset, and i didn't want to hurt myself. ... so i phoned a help line....and it's so embarressing saying that i phoned a help line, but i just want to be alive (woah! did i say that) .... but for reasons that are so far away ... and then there are other, MANY other reasons i don't want to be alive. so that's why i phoned....i just needed someone to talk to. two weeks is a very long time. so i talked to this lady for over an hour...about all my problems, and i cried, and cried and cried. i always cry. in my head i keep running through everything i want to talk to the counsellor about, EVERYTHING....but what if the time never comes to bring it up? what if i never get asked? what if my parents come in one time to listen? i don't want that at all, but i know to get through the things i'm dealing with, i'm going to have to invite them in at some point. so i got off the phone, and i cut...many many times, very deep. then i smoked the rest of my weed in the backyard with a home made pipe....blah, i hate those things....they make the weed taste like ass. but i smoked like two dimes, so the taste didn't really matter to me much. then i went to bed...closed my eyes, just creating fake animals in my head...lol, it was kinda weird....and i realised WHY tydye (SP!!) is so trippy, and where the thought of it came from....i don't know, it was a weird thing i was thinking about....all i could see when i closed my eyes were little circles of tydye. ....anyways, so this morning i woke up and went to work...my last day at that stupid government job. i photocopied paper the ENTIRE day. then organized what i photocopied into groups. i never want to photocopy anything ever again. so friggin time consuming. so now i'm home, and i'm really tired. i want to go take a nap. but my mom wants to rent a movie tonight and watch it with me and alex (her boyfriend) .... and thats all sweet and stuff, but when she told me this this morning she was like "and dani, YOU can even pick out a movie. anyone you want! :D" and in my head i was just like, 'great, now i'm a 5-year-old.' so woohoo (sarcastic) i'm looking forward to tonight. so i think i'll just say i'm tired and go to bed early or just sit on the computer the whole night. she's only saying she wants to watch a movie with me because now she's trying to be the "Almighty Mom" that loves her children....so she thinks i'm doing this for attention, so now she's giving me attention...which i DON'T want at all. i just want to be alone, you know? but she doesn't understand that. things have been so much more complicated ever since i went to the doctors on tuesday, i wish it would stop. well anyways....i'm off for my nap. stay strong guys Current Mood: tired of fighting |
| 6:51p | Okay so I took the test this morning and it was negitive *cries* I wanted to be pregnant so badly. This just isn't fair at all. I went straight back to bed so I could just avoid it all. Didn't help that I had to wake up a couple hours later. I just woke up with the ugre to cut really bad but I couldn't find a razor anywhere grrrr!! I'm going crazy. So I put it in the back of my mind for a while and then I do something stupid and I slide and end up breaking the coffee table ugh. I felt like such a retard. So I suddenly remember I used to burn myself as well a cut. I found my lighter and burned away. It felt so good to get that out *sigh* Of course my bf comes over and puts his hand directly on the spot that I burned and I kind hissed cause it hurt. Dumb move. He kinda got mad and gave me this speech about how I need to come to him before I do this and talk it out. Appearently his mom says if I cut one more time (that they find out about) shes sending me on the first plane home. GRR. Okay I get that she doesn't like it but its my copping skill man. I need it right now and I'm not ready to give it up. Ugh I can't wait till I get home so I can dig out my razors and just have at my arms for hours. I can't wait. Now my bfs like right on me asking me if I really do wanna go home. I told him yes but just for my razors heh. Mom sent my money out and tomorrow we're going to wal-mart yay! I can get a razor there! If I can get it I will *sigh* I know I shouldn't but sometimes I can't help it. Current Mood: guiltyCurrent Music: |
| 8:32p | "don't you wish you were dead like me?" so....i'm doing what i had planned on doing tonight. sitting here in this room infront of my computer....alone. i want to be though. i don't get it? i just want to be alone, i don't want my mom and her boyfriend around me. i don't want anyone around me, except for the person (the only real person) i'm not anywhere near. i just want to talk to someone...like, i'm complaining that i want to be alone...but i just want to talk to someone, anyone....even a complete stranger. i know i keep saying that two weeks is a long time to wait....and it really is, but tonight i'm thinking i'm not going to make it. i'll just sit and watch the time go by i guess. but it's getting harder every minute. "it hurts to live today." my sister phoned me tonight.....she told me that my mom had told her that i'm still cutting. yeah. i am. like i don't know what she wanted me to say to that. it's like everyones upset that i couldn't come to them for help. "why couldn't you talk to me...why could you talk to the doctor and not me?!" BECAUSE YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT! *gasp* they think that it's so freakin easy to come to them, well, IT'S NOT! and they don't get it! and now it's making me feel so guilty! i'm sorry, i thought it was a good thing that i was getting help. maybe i was wrong, AGAIN! it's like i can never do anything right, i never feel like i ever do anything right. and that, everything they said, everything i typed above, just proves it. i tried to do something (which i thought was "right") but no, it's just wrong in everyone elses eyes. i tried to get help from them last summer. i gave my mom my diary. everything about anything was written in that. EVERYTHING! and she just passed it off as a strive for attention. asked to see my scars and that was it. never talked about again. THAT'S why i don't go to them for help anymore. why give everything up to get nothing in return? i didn't get ANY help. and now i want some. so i did it, i worked myself up to go and tell someone else....and now it's like i'm getting punished for it. i'd rather be beaten in the fucking face then have to be punished like this. come on dad, what happened to the old routine where you'd just beat me with a wooden spoon when you were mad at me, or angry, or sometimes....even happy!??! god! fuck you! urgh! i'm just so fucking annoyed at everything. i just want to fucking die! ....i sound like a such a teenager, i hate it. but i am, so whatever. it's just so hard to get feelings out when it seems like everytime you attempt to you get shut down by someones comments....making you feel like your feelings don't really matter at all. like they don't really care at all. ..... and i say all this stuff about my family all the time, and i know in the back of my mind i love them SO much. it's just sometiems it seems so difficult to believe that. it's hard to believe in anything. Current Mood:  angry |
| 10:46p | I can't believe it. This person that keeps calling me one of her "best friends" just told me that the first few times we met, she didn't like me. But after we hung out (once!) she decided she liked me! WTF?? This is sooo not what I need right now. I don't understand why I care so much! It's like she doesn't like me for me. I don't know, I have always found her sorta annoying. And my best friend completly dropped me tonight to hang out with her new friends. I feel so alone right now. Does anyone know what I mean?? Current Mood:  tired |
| 10:46p | I can't believe it. This person that keeps calling me one of her "best friends" just told me that the first few times we met, she didn't like me. But after we hung out (once!) she decided she liked me! WTF?? This is sooo not what I need right now. I don't understand why I care so much! It's like she doesn't like me for me. I don't know, I have always found her sorta annoying. And my best friend completly dropped me tonight to hang out with her new friends. I feel so alone right now. Does anyone know what I mean?? Current Mood: tired |
| 10:46p | I can't believe it. This person that keeps calling me one of her "best friends" just told me that the first few times we met, she didn't like me. But after we hung out (once!) she decided she liked me! WTF?? This is sooo not what I need right now. I don't understand why I care so much! It's like she doesn't like me for me. I don't know, I have always found her sorta annoying. And my best friend completly dropped me tonight to hang out with her new friends. I feel so alone right now. Does anyone know what I mean?? Current Mood: tired |
| 11:05p | My bf and I just had a fight grrr. Hes upset that I'm upset that my ex is having a baby with his ex GRRR! that was supposed to be my baby not that damn bitches. Anyhow I get all upset and he sudden gets mad at me because I want a baby right now. he keeps saying how how could I take care of it. GRRRR. I know I could because that baby would need me. No ones ever needed me before. So I told him that and he looks me dead in the eye and says " whats makes you think I don't need you?" Grrr anyhow I ended up saying please don't cry and he gets all worked up and punches the wall. Scares the shit out of me so I kinda hide in the bathroom saying I'm taking a bath while I'm really burning myself over and over so I can feel somewhat human again. *sigh* I don't need this shit. I really don't. Now hes not even talking to me and I'm afraid of talking to him because I know hes mad at me. this has got me so worked up I'm shaking. grrrrr I just wanna hide. Will someone hide me please? Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: |
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