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Thursday, September 1st, 2005
| Time | Event |
| 10:02a | why can't i cry? last night was horrible. sitting there watching everyone have a better time then me. watching them laugh. watching them talk. listening to them talk about how "amazing" their summer has been. well good for them, my summer sucked! i worked 48 hours a week. i never went out, and when i did i would just sulk because i couldn't feel how it seemed everyone else was feeling. happy. i can't laugh anymore, i can't even fucking cry anymore. i needed to/wanted to cry so badly last night. i was so down, but the tears just wouldn't come. i could feel it inside, the pain, but i just couldn't let it out. so i cut myself 15 times. i still coudn't cry. i could feel, but i couldn't cry. i hated this feeling, it was so abnormal for me. especially to feel anything in general, but this was actually a feeling. but i couldn't express it. i'm thinking maybe this counselling isn't going to get me anywhere better then where i already am. ??? i dont know. i never know. i just want to break through this so SO badly, but it seems impossible. or somewhere next to it. why can't i get away? get up and just fly away, and never come back. i feel like i could just leave right now and never care to return. never see anyone ever again. just pretend i never really had a family. just live alone. running away would get me no where though, and i know that. i've seen it too many times before from friends. they're still in the same place, but now it's just worse in some cases. but what if i do it right? what if i just left? .... i could never do it, i could never do anything right. if only i could run to you. Current Mood:  apathetic |
| 12:25p | Here I am again, And again with nothing to talk about I'm keeping it simple this year no friends, nothing but work. I haven't cut in a while too, although I am tempted. I must be really that busy. |
| 12:25p | one slit at the wrist at its all over.. why cant i just do it im sick of this... is my future full of this feel? will i even make it to see my future what am i going to do. God are you there can you here me or are u jsut a lie to? im tired of lies im tired of hurt. Im here lookin at my life and there is nothing there but the dark emptyness of HATE and lonlyness and the scared feelings i have always felt IM TirED OF HURTing. i want to end it and i think im gettin stronger or im gettin weaker because the blad of the razor is cuttin deep and deep each time and i want to just give up what do i have to look forward to besides some scars and memories that have fadded and ill never get them back ill never feel the way i felt im empty without you god why wont you help me? what have i done to get this back in return.. will i always be this empty? will i always be this lost? whats going to happen? im so scared that ill never come out of this pain or this emptness i keep praying that this is all just a dream and that i will wake up and everything will be okay but the razor each time brings me back to reality the pain is there so this isnt a dream no matter how much i wished it was its not a dream its real all this is real i just want to leave so i guess this is going to be a one of my Suicidal notes that no one will ever see. im so empty i want to die i dont want to hurt anyone like i have been hurt i want this all to go away Current Mood: Suicidal |
| 7:16p | im sick and fucking tired of people saying that cutting makes them a freak. cutters are not freaks we're all just human beings Current Mood:  aggravated |
| 9:43p | |
| 9:53p | . |
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