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Friday, December 31st, 2004
| Time | Event |
| 5:27a | Has anyone on here seen the film 'thirteen'? I just watched it, the girl in it cuts, it was the first film I ever watched where there was a cutter in it, it was weird to me. I have been doing ok I guess, last time I cut was about....a week ago, maybe more, adnanother time before that, but I haven't been cutting for a while except that, although I do want to. I don't have all too much to say, my nan is still alive, but has a few weeks left. My mother, due to this and other things, is a bit of an alcoholic now- but not in a violent way, it's just not good for you... I haven't cried for so long, it's weird. I want to, but I can't. I feel like an empty shell Sorry I really have nothing to write about, I suck :( Stay strong, Sophie xoxox Current Mood:  numbCurrent Music: Halo- Lunatic Rides, and Placebo |
| 12:40p | I havent cut in a while i lost count on how long but its better that way But tonight is new years and we are having a party I kno being alone when the ball drops when everyone else has someone and im alone its gonna kill me |
| 3:49p | none really just babblin well i dont like this new years, seen the ass of a dad today, didnt go to the party bc of my supposed to be quitting drugs and all. but i didnt have electric for a week because of this huge ice storm.. yeah so life isnt so great, bc of many many many things, and well.. i havent cut .Woot for me.. i have to stop all of this bad shit man , its taking over my life.. -Megan- Current Mood:  awake |
| 4:07p | its been a while... i doubt you all remember me, i joined probably in october?? im not too sure, but i used to read this community all the time when life was really rough.. i used to cut every night, and once my friends found out, i started cutting my hip. the main reason for my cutting was because i cheated (non-willingly) on my boyfriend who i loved so much.. we arent friends anymore and i miss him so much, but he told me if i ever wanted anything to happen between us i could never cut again. and since then i havent cut. which has been probably a month now. yes i am happy that i havent cut, but i am so depressed, no matter what happends to me. every night when i come home i am so depressed and down, i dont know how to deal with it. all my friends know im depressed, but they dont do anything to help me. when they found i cut they told me i could tell them anything and they would help me no matter what, but now i dont feel like they care about me. life just is in total ruins right now, and it seems like theres nothing i can do about it. i just have to sit back and relax and enjoy the ride.. tonight is new years eve, and im all alone.. It was New Years Eve I was thinking of the summer Knowing that at midnight You wouldn't be around.. Current Music: cross your heart- anadivine |
| 7:40p | *wow its been a long ass time* well im so sorry to this whole thing here. i mean i said that i would update here all the time everyday and look at what i have done. i mean its been the whole two weeks almost and i have done nothing! im really sorry and i hate myself for doing this. well X-mass was ok if you would call it that, i mean my family really does not want me as part of them anymore i can tell you that right now. but um as far as it goes i got alot of money which is good and i spent most of it. only on things i kinda needed and other things i wanted, mostly im saving for a car when i get enough time on the god for sakin road. my grandma is being a total whore about the whole thing and is not letting me drive at all! i mean like once but she's so fucking stupid!! i mean i hate her so much and hope she dies on day. now as for new years eh what can i say? another year that im here with nothing to do and tons of things to worry about. i have not cutt the whole two weeks and i miss it. i must say that i think i really have to and that my thearpy is not helping all that much along with my zoloft. but what can ya do? but take the shit and try and move on. i was also wondering i have heard that if you stop cutting for a short time (say 2 weeks) then youre not a cutter anymore. is this true? well it feels so much better to talk to people on here thanks so much guys! im glad i have friends here who understand me in ways others cant. *CTC* Current Mood:  cynicalCurrent Music: *GD* |
| 8:00p | I'm sorry. I failed you. Again, and again, and again. don't think I don't feel the remorse, the guilt. I do. and I'm sorry. But I know that means nothing unless the weight is dropped and the stomach is flattened, and until I can finally look at myself and say "yes, now I'm perfect". I want to cut. For both of us. But for some reason, I can't do both. I can't handle food demons and cutting at once. Only one can satisfy me at the time. But which one is better? If I can only live with one, what is the lesser of two evils? Did I do something wrong, hurt you in some way, that I have become like this as a result? For whatever it was...I'm sorry. I know it's over. Done with. I don't care about you anymore. But I wonder why you left me here in the darkness, in this black hole. Was I not perfect enough for you? And maybe I do still care, even just a little bit. Why can't I just forgive you and get on with my life? I hate myself, the pain I brought to you and bring to others, including my own self-induced pain. Thank the Goddess for the sliver of light I have. Will it get stronger? Or will that result in another black hole? I'm holding on... |
| 9:19p | wel its new years eve n i sat at home on me own. was ment to b goin out wit a m8 but since she found out bout me cuttin and burnin she never seems to have time for me so 2nite she stayin at home on her own coz she sed she wud rather do that then go out wit 'some1 like me'!!! god damit i always fuck thins up and make other people unhappy. wel i didnt cut last nite but i burnt my self pretty bad - wa arguein wit me mam agen coz she was blaming me for my brother not bein here n then startd bullshittin 2 me dad about me sayin i had startd smashin thins up agen wen i hadnt., so he wa mad at me sayin i need 2 stop givin me mam a hard time wen i hadnt even dun any thin. i dont no wat triggers it but sometimes i jst need to cut or burn and i dont no why. i dont get ma mam either, she said she cant wait til i move out so i arent in here way any more and holding her back from things she wants to do but then wen i said i was goin and that she wunt ave 2 worry bout me any more she said if i walkd she would call da cops !! confused! yeah me 2!! oh wel off 2 spend the rest of 2nite wit a bottle of vodka and a gurl i no from round the corner, not how i wantd to spend the new year but its better than stayin at home on me own beating my self up about how much i reck everything. xXx Current Mood: pissed offCurrent Music: something corporate - fall |
| 9:26p | |
| 9:26p | Life is going better i guess i spent the day with bobby today and we just talked it was good although being just friends hurts so bad. Well last night i went to the movies with my mom and stepdad also my brother tom who is home from the Air Force. My step dad was all i dont want that slut in public with us so i couldn't crying. but when my mom drop me off at my house whitch is my grandparents house where i am living now. and i just cryed out to her and told her how bad it hurts when she goes along with crap he says. Sucide is the biggest problem for me when things gt hard its like thats the only salution. i am want to say thanks for u guys always being there, all of us want to thank eachother. Current Mood: cranky |
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